Can anybody else hear that ominous piano music being played? It must be Halloween. To celebrate the last day of spooky season, I decided to compare every player on the Spurs roster to a horror movie villain. From Michael Myers to Sam from Trick ‘r Treat, there’s a little villain in each of the Spurs. With a little assistance from noted horror movie lover and Spurs Twitter pal Nic Yarbro (@NicYarbro), here is what we came up with.
First, your starting lineup:
Dejounte was one of a few Spurs players who could’ve gone a number of ways, but at the end of the day, he feels the most Freddy Krueger like. Apart from the slender build that Freddy has, he’s also the thing nightmares are made of. Which is just pure Dejounte defensively: He causes nightmares from every ballhandler in front of him and every floated pass across the court.
Another multi-faceted Spurs player that fits the mold of a few villains, but… Jigsaw just feels right for Derrick. Jigsaw used his understanding of the human psyche to handle his victims, never being the actual person that killed them. He set up traps and let them do the bidding for him. Doesn’t that sound like Derrick? Setting up his opponent with every little step, and defensively, this leads to him being able to draw charges at the rate he does.
There was no other villain really considered for Keldon. He just screams Leatherface to me. The legendary villain that uses a chainsaw as his weapon of choice just saws through his victims. You can say the same thing about Keldon and how he attacks the basket. You can practically hear the chainsaw revving up once the ball hits his hands. Then, he barrels his way into the paint, cutting down even the best shotblockers in the league.
Shooter! That’s what players and coaches call out when Doug McDermott touches the court. That shooting ability is what makes Doug the boomstick using Ash from Evil Dead. Doug maybe most known for his shot, just as Ash is with his. But when you pay too much attention to that, that’s when he fires up the chainsaw, which for Doug is taking it to the basket and finishing at the rim.
Jakob was going to go one of two ways, but at the end of the day, he had to be Michael Myers. Known simply as The Shape, Michael is this tall, lingering character that mostly plays in the background. He meanders around, waiting for the right time to strike. That’s pretty much Jakob on both sides of the ball. You know he’s out there somewhere, he’s in the back of your mind, but you feel like you’re just imagining it. Then, he hits a cutter with a pass, or he blocks a layup attempt. Typically with little emotion, like he has a blank face.
Now to the bench unit:
Initially, I wanted to put Candyman down for Vassell, because if you go look at the actor who plays him, Tony Todd, you can’t help but see the resemblance. But as far as his game goes, he’s straight up Ghostface… killah. He’s practically everywhere at once: jumping in passing lanes, cutting off ballhandlers, and seemingly always being open for a pass. Almost like there’s two of him on the court.
When it comes to Lonnie, he has all the tools to be just about every villain, but given the lack of consistency over his career, the Leprechaun feels most accurate. He’s always after his gold, which for Lonnie are points, and when Lonnie has it going on, it’s almost like he’s using magic to score.
The other big, menacing presence on the Spurs falls into the camp of the other big, menacing villain – camp being the keyword. Jason Voorhees brutes around with his machete, slashing anybody in his path. When Drew’s on the court, that basically what he does as well. He uses his athleticism and strength to attack the rim, finishing with a thunderous dunk time after time.
Bryn is the second-shortest Spur on the roster at 6’2”, so he needed to fit a shorter villain. And given that he’s not very scary when you first look at him, he feels like Chucky out there on the court. Chucky never needed much room to get his job done, and neither does Bryn. Bryn’s out there running around screens, just needing a little bit of space to catch-and-shoot.
For Tre, we had to go with a lesser-known entity since not much is known about Tre outside of his G League and Summer League appearances. In enters Sam from Trick ‘r Treat. Since the movie came out, Sam has developed somewhat of a cult following and has been an up-and-coming horror movie villain. He also enforces the rules of Halloween. Since Tre was drafted, he too has developed a decent following and could be considered an up-and-coming player. Not to mention that he essentially enforces the rules of being a traditional point guard: running the offense, making the right pass, and playing hard-nosed defense.
With Thad, his most noted skill is that he’s so well-rounded. He can play multiple positions and be asked to do a variety of things on each end of the court. That kind of shape-shifting ability resonates Pennywise vibes. Pennywise turns into whatever he needs to, creating a nightmarish scenario for his victim. That’s the same kind of scenario peak Thad creates – being able to take advantage of whatever weakness they have in their game.
The resident Aussie gets an Australian horror movie villain: Mick Taylor from Wolf Creek. Mick has a humor about him, but is truly a brutal character. Jock hasn’t shown much on the NBA court, but what was noticeable at the Olympics is that he has a game that’s both full of finesse and physicality.
Given the limited amount of playing time Keita gets, I couldn’t help but compare him to Samara Morgan from The Ring. For no reason other than if you see him, there’s only about 7 minutes left in the game, regardless of whether the Spurs are winning or losing.
Zach won’t see the court for a while, and hasn’t for some time now, which makes him like Pinhead. He hasn’t shown his face much lately, but when he does step foot on the court, he plays like he’s from another dimension.
Wrapping up with the two rookies, you had to assume that Primo was going to be some childlike villain. What better one than Damien from The Omen? With the little time Primo has been on the court, people have started comparing him to Kobe Bryant at 18 years old. And while I’m not trying to say he’s Kobe, he does play with the same supreme confidence Kobe did – you might say he plays like he’s possessed. Oh, and he also looks like he’s five-years-old.
Last but not least, is Wieskamp. He fits the bill of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. When you see Bateman on the streets, he looks like a normal guy. Even though if you saw Wieskamp off the court, you’d expect him to be a basketball player given his height, but other than that, he’s a relatively unassuming individual that you could definitely envision being a banker or lawyer. But they both have a killer side. For Wieskamp, that killer side is his ability to drain 3s and the fact he’s surprisingly athletic.
OK, OK, OK. I know I said last but not least, but how could I skip Coach Pop?
I mean, is there any other person you’d compare him to than Hannibal Lecter? They’re both highly intelligent, are able to coach people up well, and just when you think they’re out of the game, they do something to let you know they’re as sharp as ever.
I hope everybody had fun reading these comparisons. They certainly were fun coming up with. Everybody have a Happy Halloween — and as always, Go Spurs Go!