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REPORT: SPURS EXPERIENCING THE COSTANZA EFFECT

Several unnamed sources claim the Spurs organization is spiraling out of control and apparently, Seinfeld reruns are partially to blame.One anonymous source referred to the ongoing saga as 'The Costanza Effect.'

In a recent conversation, the source said 'all of this started during Tony's rehab. He was bored and he'd never watched Seinfeld. Well, he binge watched season one while riding the stationary bike and yada, yada, yada....now he's watched every episode three times and things are getting strange. Oh, he also tells everyone to call him 'T-Bone' now. There's that.'

This reporter was still confused and asked his source to explain.

The following was relayed over an interview with the unnamed source over a cup of coffee and a bowl of cereal at a downtown coffee shop..

Apparently the Spurs have been trying to gently tell Tony 'T-Bone' Parker that while they love him and he's had a great career, they really would prefer that he retire after this season. The front office doesn't want him to keep saying he's going to play until he is 40 and then retire a Spur. Tony picked up on this and it bothered him, but then he saw episode 114.

"Remember that episode where George keeps trying to break up with that girl and she won't let him, so he starts dating another girl so he'll get caught by the first girl , so she will get angry and end the relationship ? Remember how she doesn't break up even after finding out because she's committed to George? Well,Tony saw that as an inspiration and a way to stay a Spur as long as he wants. Potentially forever.

The Spurs have been sending signals the past two years to Tony: they drafted Dejounte and kept Forbes around. They drafted Derrick White, another point guard this year. They tried to go after Chris Paul, they re-signed Patty. They tried to trade for Kyrie. I mean, come on! How obvious is this? They hoped Tony would put it all together, but he still says he's coming back, playing until he's 40 and then retiring as a Spur."

After realizing Tony wasn't going to accept a parting of ways, a visibly frustrated Buford told Popovich "We'll draft two point guards next year if we have to.. I'll do it in 2019 too. Just watch me."

Popovich, already concerned with the sheer number of guards on the team decided he would take a more direct approach. He met with Tony to gently let him know the relationship needed to end after this season. Popovich told Parker "it's not you, it's me," thinking the Frenchman would appreciate the Seinfeld approach and both parties could come to an agreement.

Tony, drawing inspiration from episode 114, looked earnestly at Pop and said, "I'm not giving up on this relationship, Pop! '

'Tony then started laughing because he thought I was joking, ' Popovich said in disbelief. 'Then he asked me if I would like a puffy shirt to wear on a game day. The whole conversation made no sense. He's becoming my Newman," Popovich moaned. "And, he's demanding I call him 'T-Bone.' Apparently that is from episode 300. I'm not doing it. Period. It's not helping that Kawhi thinks it's funny and now he's calling him T-Bone. Nothing makes Kawhi laugh but this does? Seriously. When does this stop?"

With so much down time due to rehab, Parker has evidently been contacting other Spurs to talk about his newfound love for Seinfeld episodes, and, unintentionally, like Costanza, setting off more Costanza related problems for the organization.

Tony called to check on LaMarcus after he heard the latest attempted trade involving the unhappy and enigmatic forward fell through. Parker told him about episode 201, the one where George tries to get fired from the Yankees.

He told Aldridge : "you should try to get fired instead." He encouraged LaMarcus to do certain things to upset Pop and Buford (things more frustrating than his playoff performance) which explains Aldridge's recent bizarre behavior at the Spurs headquarters.

The source said, 'two weeks ago, LA walks into the Spurs Lane office wearing a George Gervin jersey and eating this gross chili dog as he's making small talk with everyone in the office. The chili is dripping down his chin onto the jersey, he's wiping his hand on the jersey. He was just a mess. But he apparently didn't actually see the episode or fully listen to Tony or something because the real jersey that Ice wore was still in the display case. His was some kind of throwback jersey he got off E-Bay so no one really cared.

Suzie, we call her 'Suze,' in accounting, however, was grossed out and spent the remainder of the day cleaning all the door knobs and disinfecting the building. She called in sick the next day. We're throwing her a get well party when she is able to return to work.

The source went on to say, "Things are just getting weird all around because of Tony and those re-runs. Did you read the story about the Spurs apologizing to Adam Hanga? That was Tony's work too."

Apparently, Tony read the article about Hanga being upset with the Spurs for jerking him around, so he called Adam and told him to watch episode 218 "The Apology," the one where George wants an apology from the guy for making fun of his head and how it stretched out one of his sweaters? The guy doing the 12 step program? Remember that one"

This reporter does.

Well, Hanga loved that episode so he started calling Pop and Buford late at night asking for an apology. They got so tired of the calls they apologized and even sent out a press release stating they apologized.

That set off a chain reaction. Today, Ryan Richards, that British center the Spurs drafted in 2011 or so? The flaky kid? Well, he's' playing in the Lebanese C League now, but he saw that Hanga got an apology so HE called demanding an apology for not being brought over to play. Then Luis Scola called asking for an apology for the years he was stuck in limbo and couldn't get to the NBA because of the Spurs.

Heck, even Sean Elliot called and demanded an apology for being traded and then 're-gifted' back to the Spurs, which is another Seinfeld episode entirely. The re-gifting one. Tony was talking to Elliot too.

Tony is simply out of control. "

Popovich may have reached his breaking point as the unnamed source said, "Pop has pretty much locked himself in the practice gym. You can hear his shouts echoing off the walls: 'Serenity Now! Serenity Now!' over and over and over again. It's really kind of sad."

Tony Parker could not be reached for comment. It should be noted his voice mail is strange. It starts off with him singing 'Believe it or not, Tony's not at home," and then he shouts 'this is the summer of Tony! " and then it ends with him saying something about sitting around in his boxers eating a block of cheese. It was hard to understand.

Only time will tell the long term impact The Costanza Effect will have on our beloved Spurs.

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