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Epic Preview: Kawhry Potter and the Deathly Playoffs

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Every year the playoffs give us an excuse to photoshop Spurs into a different fictional universe. For the second round, San Antonio's heroes are defending the Spurswarts School of Basketball Wizardry against the Thunder and all their forces of offense. (If you missed the first round's Epic Preview, you can find it here.)

The young Kawhry Potter never knew he was special; all he knew was that he didn't fit the definition of "normal".  He didn't understand his purpose in the world (and why he had such huge hands), until the lovable half-giant, Timgrid, burst down his door and introduced him to the world of basketball magic.

During this most unexpected visit, Timgrid presented Kawhry with a personal invitation to attend the Spurwarts School of Basketball Wizardry. Kawhry, having never experienced any basketball love and not fully understanding his potential, was surprised at being greeted warmly by the professors, the technically minded Professor Minerva McHammond and the stern, but grandfatherly, headmaster Dumblepop. He was less certain about the motives of the severe professor of the basketball arts, Ettore Snape.

Elsewhere, the Dark Lord Voldurant was growing in power, most recently having brought his wayward follower, Dirko Malfoy, to heel via a vicious, one-sided battle. The powerfully offensive wizard turned his eye towards destroying Kawhry, devising an evil plan to infiltrate Spurwarts and turn the basketball wizardry world on its head.

He sent the horrible Umbrook, who posed as the new professor of Defense against the Offensive Arts. Despite the title, Professor Umbrook was not interested in Defense, but in dunking her version of basketball down the throats of the very instution she pretended to support.

Kawhry, with the help of his best friends LaRoncus and Slo-mione, secretly formed "Dumblepop’s Army," where Kawhry taught his classmates the defensive skills they would need for the war ahead. They were joined by the nutty, but extremely talented, Loris Lovegood and Danny Greenbottom, whose defensive talent is offset by his varying aim.

Kawhry discovered he has a connection to Voldurant’s mind; this connection allowed Kawhry to locate a mystical prophecy at the heart of the Ministry of Basketball. Voldurant had plotted to use this prophecy about the "chosen one" as the ultimate weapon to take over the Ministry. Instead, Dumblepop's Army fought off Voldurant’s forces with the help of Luparker and Ginoblack. These old guard members of the Order of the Coyote had battled tirelessly through the years against those who would look to warp the magic of basketball away from its roots.

Though weakened, Voldurant then made it his mission to destroy Kawhry once and for all. He sent his best Snatchers, Scibaka and the terrifying werewolf, Greydams, after the newly anointed "chosen one". The physical duo were to stop at nothing to incapacitate the young Potter, before he could realize the sheer amount of talent he possessed that could turn the tide of basketball wizardry back towards the Defensive Arts.

But Kawhry and the Order of the Coyote have friends of their own. Just in the nick of time, the elf Dotty and the monstrously large (but quite kind-hearted) giant Bobawp joined the fray. Dotty, waving a sock like a helicopter blade, fired spells from deep range, while Bobawp destroyed everything in his path. The pair distracted the Snatchers, allowing Kawhry and his friends to escape.

Voldurant continued to marshall his forces for a final battle at Spurwarts. There was only one way to defeat him: Kawhry must destroy the basketballs Voldurant has enchanted, because they were pieces of Voldurant’s very soul. It was now a race against time.

After returning to Spurwarts through a secret entrance, nearly all of the remaining students (except those ne’er-do-wells in the treacherous Thunderin house) agreed to help Kawhry however they can. Danny Greenbottom, Loris Lovegood, and longtime benchwarmers Kevus Martigan and Dean Simmons readied their wands to attack.

Night had fallen when Voldurant and his followers made their offensive assault. Inside Spurwarts, each professor cast every defensive spell in their arsenal. Professor Drewick chose to lull the opposition to sleep, Mad-Eye West aggressively ran out to meet Voldurant's forces on his own terms, and Professor TreBonny looked to her crystal ball to see when she should enter the fray.

The ensuing battle was titanic. Around every corner, forces of offense and defense squared off in a meeting of basketball wizardry unlike any ever before. The momentum shifted back and forth, and it was only the craftiness and might of the legendary Dumblepop that kept the battle from falling into outright chaos. The Order regrouped to continue its pursuit of Voldurant's basketballs.

But in the end it came down to one matchup: Voldurant vs. Kawhry, in single combat. By now, all of Voldurant’s basketballs had been destroyed by Kawhry and his friends, and the Dark Lord’s fury was beyond measure. Voldurant refused to embrace the defense required by Kawhry's counterattack, instead choosing to unveil the entirety of his offensive arsenal against our young hero.

In a final confrontation to go down in basketball history… neither can live while the other survives.