I guess a few disclaimers up front:
- This is apparently all I do here now. I'm okay with that; I'd like to think it builds anticipation, but more likely many of you don't even remember who I am.
- I don't know what will win Best Picture this year. If you follow me on Twitter (@dav_mcg) you can find my shameless plugs to my personal site where I discuss such things; it'll probably be The Revenant, but I hope it's Spotlight...but I really hope it's Fury Road. I've seen all eight nominees, and as not all of them really fit with this exercise (sorry, Room), I pulled from a few films that are just nominated for something. Those are the rules, because I made them up.
- When Tiago was traded, it warmed my heart to see how much of the response on PtR wasn't "boy, that's too bad," but "WHO WILL DRUMSINTHEDEEP PHOTOSHOP LADY HAIR ONTO NOW?" The truth is, Tiago is irreplaceable. I made a decision for this piece, and I hope you like it, but it's not a permanent change.
- Finally, I'm sorry. (You'll soon know why.)
Here's a link to all of the previous year's installments; the 5th unfortunately had to be abbreviated due to studio-enforced deadlines, and the first was before the formula had really been perfected:
Kneel before RICTUS BOBANUS. This mighty warrior has but one thing on his mind:
World Car vengeance. (Boban Marjanovic as Rictus Erectus)
Boris is the coolest dude in any given room -- look how sweet that jacket is. The new recruit, LMA-12, has a lot to learn about how things work in the Resistance, but he's coming along okay. (Boris Diaw as Poe Dameron, LaMarcus Aldridge as Finn.)
Just because something is obvious doesn't mean it's wrong. Who but Pop would you trust to negotiate a hostage exchange on a snowbound Communist-controlled bridge? If the government were to literally send him TODAY, Pop would not only get the job done, he's probably solve climate change and the Middle East while he's at it. POPOVICH 2016. (Gregg Popovich as James B. Donovan.)
Here we have a couple of young guys angling for seats at the adults' table. They have court vision better than most, but not the opportunities. In five years we'll either be working for them, or dead by their hands. (Jonathon Simmons as Jamie Shipley, Kyle Anderson as Charlie Geller.)
Patrick Mills is pure Joy. Everybody knows this. (Patty Mills as Joy.)
Our man Major Marquis West gets things done. He can come across as the "tough guy," the enforcer, the bounty hunter, but he's also one of the most passionate and loyal gentlemen on the roster. He also has a letter in his pocket from the President. (David West as Major Marquis Warren.)
After a rocky start to the season, Salsa Verde has returned to form as the stone-cold sniper we knew he was. This is who you want on your six during a firefight. (Danny Green as Alejandro.)
Presented without comment. (Kawhi Leonard as Ava.)
Here we have the three guys on the end of the bench, the victory cigars, consigned to a dark room in the basement, but working hard anyway. They may not get much run on the court, but their unheralded, old-fashioned shoe leather is invaluable. (Matt Bonner as Sacha Pfeiffer, Rasual Butler as Walter 'Robby' Robinson, Ray McCallum as Mike Rezendes.)
If you're wondering whether Spurs fans will ever forget that Tony once released an ill-advised rap record, the answer is a strong "No." Straight Outta Bruges. (Tony Parker as Ice Cube.)
There is no NBA player more equipped to survive an accidental marooning on a distant planet than the cerebral Timothy Theodore Duncan. All of those Onion stories about his hand-made papyrus scrolls and sound financial planning have their origins in truth. The fundamentals of Martian living should come easily, and there would be no limit to what the National Aeronautics and Basketball Administration would spend to bring him home. (Tim Duncan as Mark Watney.)
El Contusión gives his all for his art. He suffers, he bleeds, he crawls, he swats bats out of the sky, he gets his testicles in a twist; we leave him for dead and he crawls back with a vintage Manu performance. Never count him out.
Also ... don't piss him off. (Manu Ginobili as Hugh Glass.)
The Academy Awards air this Sunday night on ABC.