I figure you guys are feeling a little nervous and anxious about tonight's game, what with it possibly being the last time we'll see "The Big Three" in uniform together and all. I probably haven't helped matters much, since the last recap was a tad on the sad and morbid side. Sorry about that.
I'm here to make amends though. A couple of crafty fellas over at the "Vox Product" team used "powerful computer technology" to design SBNation's Bull**** Draft Scouting Report Generator to help football fans get an idea of how the prospects their teams acquire will fare. The beauty of this handy little tool though is that you don't have to be an NFL hopeful for it form a scouting report of you. Enter any name and instantly their strengths and weaknesses are revealed.
For our purposes, I'm going to use it to get scouting reports on all the relevant players on the Spurs and Clippers. I've watched all the games, but I'm not a professional scout so there may be a detail or two I haven't noticed.
[Pro Tip: Whenever you read the word "football" in the following scouting reports, make sure to internally replace it with the word "basketball" or else they won't make too much sense and this whole thing will seem silly.]
Okay, let's start with the Spurs:
Tim Duncan has the hard head to broad jump a canal, but scouts say flatulence could be an issue
You scoff, yet...
Kawhi Leonard has the length to at least get picked, but scouts say history of ham theft could be an issue
What, you think he can steal basketballs but not hams? Don't be so naive.
Tony Parker has the deceptive speed to bench press 5 infants, but scouts say peg leg could be an issue
When Parker complains about his Achilles being on fire, my suspicions turn to Chris Paul hiding a pack of matches in his socks.
Danny Green has the arrogance to make good life choices, but scouts say manual retweeting could be an issue
Probably not far off from PATFO's internal scouting report on Green.
Tiago Splitter has the pain tolerance to play hurt, but scouts say sticktoittiveness could be an issue
One of these statements is true. I'll let you guess which.
Manu Ginobili has the nimble fingers to swallow a football whole, but scouts say illegible handwriting could be an issue
True story: Ginobili has the worst signature in the history of human civilization.
Boris Diaw has the lively hands to mow the whole field, but scouts say smelly friends could be an issue
I mean, he is French.
Marco Belinelli has the clean gums to stick in the league, but scouts say inability to quote "Anchorman" could be an issue
You can kill me tomorrow if I ever hear Marco say "I love lamp."
Patty Mills has the glute burst to climb a fire pole, but scouts say night blindness could be an issue
Admit it, you were starting to worry about his eyesight yourself before this series.
Aron Baynes has the football build to bend the rulebook, but scouts say ketchup intake could be an issue
Ketchup no, but definitely worried about the pair of basketballs he had shoved down his throat in Game 1.
Matt Bonner has the sharp knees to drive a parade float, but scouts say poor parking skills could be an issue
Sometimes I think his parade boat driving skills are the only reason Matty is still on the team.
Okay, all that info was pretty illuminating. Now the Clippers:
Blake Griffin has the iron lungs to jump pretty high, but scouts say dry eyeballs could be an issue
Quick, find some pollen!
Chris Paul has the lively hands to wear those tight pants, but scouts say White House visits could be an issue
I highly doubt White House visits will ever be an issue for Paul.
DeAndre Jordan has the football smarts to melt a popsicle, but scouts say frequent car sickness could be an issue
I would like to see a free-throw contest between Jordan and Stephen Curry after he has to spin around really fast 20 times.
J.J. Redick has the cheerful disposition to wrestle an earthworm, but scouts say credit score could be an issue
I remember Chad Ford writing something similar about him.
Matt Barnes has the jazz hands to tackle refs who aren’t looking, but scouts say bifocals could be an issue
It's not a matter of "if" Barnes will ever tackle a ref but "when."
Jamal Crawford has the lively hands to milk a cougar, but scouts say Nickelback fandom could be an issue
"Rockstar" is a catchy tune and if you disagree you're lying.
Glen Davis has the high motor to learn the plays, but scouts say "see food" diet could be an issue
Austin Rivers has the unmeasurables to tie shoes without help, but scouts say dirty laundry could be an issue
Being able to tie your own shoes qualifies you to be the Clippers eighth man.
Finally, let's take one last look at the head-to-head coaching match-up:
Gregg Popovich has the selective accuracy to behead a ref, but scouts say terrible reflexes could be an issue
Doc Rivers has the film room dedication to be Uber for football, but scouts say answering phone with "Yello?" could be an issue
Half of Rajon Rondo's meltdowns with the Celtics stemmed from Doc's obnoxious phone greeting.
This has been your Game 7 scouting report.