Greetings, NBA rookie class of 2015. I know the last couple of days have given y'all a lot to take in. My fellow instructors have given you tips on how to dress, how to handle the media, how to deal with fans off the court, what types of people to avoid, how to invest your money, and even how to treat a lady. In the near future your coaches and teammates will show y'all how we play the game at this level, and I know none of you will believe me, but it's a thousand times different than anything you've seen or done in college, AAU ball or even in leagues overseas. We're all grown men out here, and we're playing for our livelihoods. You punks are trying to take food out of our mouths and the roof from over our heads. We're not gonna give you %@^#. You !@#$%^&*&^%$# gonna have to take it from us.
Believe it or not though, I'm here to help y'all. All these other presenters have given you good advice and I hope for your sake you've been paying attention and taking good notes, because I damn well know none of y'all ever went to any of your classes in college. What I'm about here is helping you survive in that NBA jungle. There are !@#$%^&*!@#$%^& killers out there, boy. Cats who will snatch your heart out your chest and laugh while it beats in front of you like that dude in Temple of Doom. Any of y'all seen Indiana Jones or am I talking to the Harry Potter generation out here?
The odds are maybe one guy in this entire room will ever be good enough to look dudes like LeBron James, Kevin Durant or Stephen Curry in the eye. ^$@#, maybe none of y'all. Those cats are so damn talented it's not even fair. None of you have a snowball's chance in hell against them, talent-wise.
And that's why I'm here. Psychological warfare, gentlemen. If you can't beat the stars of the league physically, you got to beat them mentally. Get in their heads and throw them cats off. Trash talk them !@#$%^&*!@#$% If you can get them thinking about the ^$@! you said and not the game, you might have a fighting chance. Maybe rile them up enough to get T'd up. It's really the only chance any of y'all have. Because let's face it, it's not like most of y'all can play worth a %#$@.
Okay, let's start with LeBron. You need to mock him mercilessly for moving his dumb #$@ back to Cleveland. Hit him up with a "Hey Bron, what's the temperature outside? Not one, not two, not three, not four... it's eight degrees outside !@#$%^&^%$#@ and you came back to this ^$@#? Anybody with five bucks in their pockets leaves this dump and never looks back."
Then, make him question his new teammates. "Seriously bro, good call playing with Kyrie Irving, Kevin Love and Dion Waiters. I think defense is overrated too. Name me one team that ever won a championship by playing good defense ... besides all of them."
Finally, you need to question his resolve. "For real though, you're my idol man. I love watching you ball. I've dreamt about being teammates with you. Can you join my team after y'all get knocked out of the playoffs in the first round?"
Next up, there's the reigning MVP, Kevin Durant. It's impossible to block his jumper, so what you want to do is put a little hitch in it. Ain't no time to be a gentleman out here, you gotta hit him where it hurts.
"Hey man, I saw your MVP speech last year. That %#!@ about your mom being the real MVP was beautiful, man. Admit it though, you took some creative liberties to make it more dramatic than it was. She don't look like she missed too many meals to me."
Oh, that's gonna make him real mad, but then you're gonna have to deal with that little pitbull, Russ. How do you trash-talk a guy who's already so angry? Go the opposite way and try to make him laugh.
"Hey Westbrook, why you play so mad all the time? You smack that rim like it stole something from you. Is it because you were fired by Master Splinter for being an %#$!@#$? Did you just not like pizza enough to fit in with Donatello and Leonardo?"
Then, after you rain a jumper in his mug, scream, "Cowabunga, !@#$%^&*&^%$!"
Alright, who's next? I'm taking requests. Who y'all worried about?
Random rookie: "I heard the Rockets flop a lot and draw a bunch of fouls. How do I get to Harden and Dwight?"
Excellent question! I guaran-damn-tee you them cats are gonna annoy the %#$@ outta y'all.
First, there's Harden. You gotta get on him for that ratty beard. That thing is disgusting. Looks like something out a National Geographic from the 60's. That's a magazine. Bet none of y'all would know nothin' about that.
Go tell Harden, "Hey bro, you look how a bum would look if you told him you'll give him a dollar every time he runs a lap around the block. You tryin' to hide from the cops or something like The Fugitive? I DIDN'T KILL MY WIFE, IT WAS THE ONE-ARMED MAN!"
Then go right at Howard with some legacy #^%@. "Wow, I can't believe I'm on the same court with the second-best big-man in Orlando Magic history, the fourth-best in Houston Rockets history and like the 19th-best in Lakers history. Can I have your autograph after the game?"
That'll make him look at you sideways a bit, but he's soft, he's not gonna do nothin'. He's terrible at the free throw line anyway, but if you really need him to miss a big one late, right when he's about to shoot, whisper in his ear, "Hey, I was born in Florida in the 90's. Are you my real dad?"
Alright, who's next?
Another random rookie: "The guys I keep seeing on the highlights are the Warriors. How do I shake them up?"
Aw, that's easy. You just gotta make them think about their future. You heard what their new stadium is gonna look like, right?
Hey Steph, Klay, y'all gonna play in a building that looks like Godzilla's toilet! Gonna give a whole new meaning to the 'Splash Brothers' huh?"
Then get deep with Bogut, really make him think.
"Yo, Crocodile Dundee, I heard in your new toilet arena the ball only rolls around the rim and drops in clockwise but when you shoot it it's gonna be counter-clockwise. Is that a myth or is that %#$@ true?"
Finally, after you dunk one on them, be sure to yell, "Flush that ^#$!, ya %#%#$!%"
Alright, we got time for one more. I can't believe that none of y'all have asked me about the champs.
[Rookies exchange puzzled looks.]
You know, the Spurs?
[A cricket chirps in the background.]
See, that's what's wrong with your generation. No attention span. Like it or not, you're gonna have to deal with those guys if you want to make a name for yourself in this league. Getting in their heads is next to impossible, but you still have to try.
First, Tim Duncan. Tell him, "Hey, you're Tim Duncan. I remember not watching you play when I was a kid." He'll really appreciate that.
Then, Tony Parker, you gotta make him aware you know about his past. "Hey Tony, my girl wanted to get a picture with you ... so I made sure to keep her %#! home, two thousand miles away from you."
Finally, the one-and-only Manu Ginobili, one of the all-time pests. He's not a trash-talker, so you have to be a gentleman right back to him. Tell him, "Mr. Ginobili, you're one of the legends of the game and I love your moves. I'd offer to shake your hand, but I don't want to send you falling backward 20 feet just from me touching you."
That concludes my seminar and I hope it has been helpful. I wish y'all the best of luck in your careers, but let me give you one last bit of advice: The next time I see any of y'all will probably be at Burger King. If you mess up my order I will %@$%^%^ right over the counter and ruin your ^#$*&%@ day. Believe that.