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Spurs new H-E-B commercials are comedic gold

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The highly anticipated ads feature five new spots and debuts from LaMarcus Aldridge and Danny Green.

David Richard-USA TODAY Sports

The Spurs, due in large part to their dominant offseason, entered the 2015-2016 campaign with lofty goals for individual players and their team as a whole. But the high bar that has been set for on-court success pales in comparison to the expectations surrounding the franchise's annual batch of H-E-B commercials. These hilarious bits have become a beloved tradition of every Spurs season, akin to Sean Elliot and Bill Land calling games on Fox Sports Southwest or seeing Spurs Jesus sit courtside at the AT&T Center.

The jury is still out on the Spurs reaching their basketball-related goals this year, but the H-E-B commercials have exceeded the hype, as usual. We start with new-kid-on-the-left-block LaMarcus Aldridge receiving gifts from his teammates.

"What? They're bacon cheddar?" Kawhi steals everything on the court, and continues to steal every H-E-B commercial as well. Also, LaMarcus' exasperated cry of "I don't have a dog!" was priceless. Don't worry, LMA. Hopefully by next summer you'll have both a puppy and a championship ring.

Patty Mills has undoubtedly seen unique and dangerous animals in his native Australia, but none more so than The Coyote. Here the beloved Spurs' mascot treats us to some good old fashioned physical comedy. It's a classic formula that yields outstanding results, keeping with the "Spurs Way."

Manu made me do it!

Kawhi has always embraced the little brother role given to him in these commercials, and this beautiful line is where that all culminates. LaMarcus' "these guys are crazy!" was brilliant as well. He's also embracing his role, that of the "new guy," and is nailing it like a fadeaway midrange jumper.

Timmy has a couple of great moments in this spot. Firstly, it was extremely gratifying to see one of the most humble players in the history of sports advocate to have a boat named after him. The Timtanic would surely be the most fundamentally sound vessel ever to set sail. Secondly, "when do you have time to make signs?" was a perfectly delivered "big brother" moment for The Big Fun. Kawhi once again demonstrates the bewilderment and childlike wonder that have made his H-E-B commercial persona so darn lovable.

This was by far the funniest of the bunch this year, and may be one of the best ever Spurs H-E-B commercials, period. So much is happening here! Tony is the star of this spot as he weaves through his teammates' questions and concerns like defenders on a fast break. LaMarcus looks silly, Patty randomly produces a giant knife, Kawhi is sad as he reminds us all that he is part bear, while Manu gets frozen out by his point guard.

"Paris was not built in a day" might have been the best quote in any other commercial or year, even, but Tony's dramatic pause followed by "that sign doesn't say 'Cooking with Timmy'" was nothing short of classic. Tony channeled his own H-E-B commerical persona previously seen in the "One For Each" bit, and the results were magnificent. Thank you San Antonio for giving us both the Spurs and H-E-B.

Click on this link for a behind the scenes look at the shooting of the commercials via Spurs.com!