Sadly, I find myself growing rather obsessed with the Heat's free agency saga. Could it be I was actually a Miami fan all along and was in denial? No, that's absurd. It's just that this time of year is usually pretty boring for fans of Team Stability, so we have to find our amusements elsewhere.
Even the faint whiff of Heat schadenfreude is too sweet an aroma to sleep on. When the former -- as in not current -- champs find themselves in the news, it piques my interest. With King James' empire having been recently sacked, I'm fascinated by the possibility of them not being able to put it all back together.
We've known for a while now that LeBron James, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade met for lunch before going their merry ways on holiday, but everybody wants to know how exactly that meeting went down.
As it happens, I had a fevered dream about it last night, no doubt the result of undercooked wasabi wings and an overactive imagination. Here's what I remember...
WADE: Well fellas, that was a rough way for the season to end. I feel like I let y'all down, so all I can do is train harder and come back stronger next year. Still, four straight trips to the Finals ain't too bad, right?
WADE: I hear that, CB, it does hurt more to lose them after you know what winning feels like. Them guys who've never been will never understand that.
WADE: Wow, I never heard anyone put it like that before, Chris. You're right, losing championships is just like what Lord Alfred Tennyson wrote about lost love.
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
It was true back in 1850 and it remains true now. That's deep, man.
BOSH: /Furiously pecks at restaurant window
WADE: You can say that again, Chris. Our window is definitely closing. I don't know how many more years I've got in me. We've got to strike while the iron's hot here, make the most of this opportunity.
BOSH: /Eats a chihuahua belonging to nearby patron
WADE: Yessir! We've got to get our hunger back. We've gotta want it more than anybody. It's the only way we're gonna do it.
BOSH: /Builds nest
WADE: Well of course I want to stay here, CB. I've built a home here just as you have. My kids like it here. I've laid down roots here. I feel like I have a real bond with the city, the fans, the community, all of it. I can't ever see myself leaving and I plan to be involved with the Heat when my playing days are done, just like Zo and Howard and all these other guys.
BOSH: /Lays eggs
WADE: Obviously we're gonna need some reinforcements to ease our burden, that's what this meeting is all about. That Finals was a real eye-opener. The Spurs beat us by playing team ball. Every man on the court was a threat. We can't win it all playing three-on-five, we gotta sign some more players.
BOSH: /Picks up egg, drops it on ground. The splatter is purple.
WADE: That's right, we'll ALL have to make sacrifices. Our nest eggs will suffer a bit, no doubt. Winning is the only thing that matters and we've all made plenty of money in our careers, and that's not even counting our shoe deals and all the other endorsements.
BOSH: /Drops three more eggs on ground. The radioactivity level in the area spikes by 800 percent. HAZMAT units dispatched to scene.
WADE: That's pretty much how I crunched the numbers too, Chris. If we each agree to take three million less annually, then Riles will have almost nine million to spend under the cap. We can get someone near All-Star quality for that. Then sign someone else pretty good with the mid-level exception and we're set.
BOSH: /Nearly burns down half of restaurant with fire breath
WADE: Hell yeah the warm weather is a drawing point for us. Who wants to freeze their buns off up north? Besides, the sunshine means all these beautiful women walking around in bikinis. What young millionaire wouldn't want to live here, man?
BOSH: /Regurgitates half of chihuahua carcass
WADE: Good point, Chris. Since Florida doesn't have state taxes, so we don't have to give half of it back to Uncle Sam. Heck, we practically break even taking a few million less here than making more somewhere else. I'm sure Riles will use that as a selling point to free agents.
BOSH: /swoops down on terrified goose
/cooks it into a golden crisp with fire breath
BOSH: Of course, CB. How presumptuous of me. LeBron is the golden goose here. Without him, we have nothing. So, are you willing to sacrifice as we are to get the teammates we need, BronBron?
JAMES: I'm the best player in the world and I'm taking the max.
WADE: But what about us needing to acquire--
JAMES: Sounds great. Y'all do what you gotta do. I'm heading to Brazil for the week.
BOSH: /Dumps head of goose on LeBron's plate.
JAMES: Quit being weird, CB.
WADE: I thought we were all in this together...
JAMES: We are. Me, you, your busted knees, CB, Melo, Deng, Pau, Gortat, whoever, but I'm still taking the max here or wherever, so get with Riles, figure it out. You got one week.
WADE: But that's not--
JAMES: Adios amigos.
WADE: Well that's just great, CB. Now what are we supposed to do?
WADE: What do you mean you're signing in Houston for the max?