Unlike in previous years, I gave up pretty early on trying to match up our guys with all of the Best Picture nominees. Philomena? Sorry, couldn't make that work. Dallas Buyers Club? Just assume it's got DeJuan Blair in there. So I broke with tradition and expanded the field: if it was nominated, it counts.
That's enough preamble. I know what you're here to see. Let's get started.
Walt Disney is giving Mrs. Travers the grand tour. She is entirely unimpressed.
And here's one of my favorite sections, "Dunksberg! We just dunk the ball all day. It's enormous fun. The Children love it.
Dunking? No thank you.
Why don't you come give it a try? It's literally my favorite thing in the park.
I'll pass. I have...bad memories.
Travers gets the Thousand-Yard Stare of Impending Flashback...
EXT. MISTY MOUNTAINS
Thorin warily approaches Bilbo.
There's something different about you, burglar. You're even quicker than before and scoring in buckets. Almost like you've found some magical artifact.
Nah, I just lost some weight. It has nothing to do with this ring I stole and am keeping secretly.
All right. But you better not be lying to me. I could tear your arms off with my bear hands.
Pan down to reveal that Thorin does, in fact have bear hands.
INT. SPURS PRACTICE FACILITY
Coach Pop, smirking, tosses Nando a basketball.
Show me something. Something from...inside Nando de Colo.
Nando looks at the ground and flushes a dozen shades of awkward, but slowly nods.
He runs the length of the floor, gives the impression he's going to do something cool, but settles for a layup. He expectantly turns to look at Pop.
I don't see money here.
INT. MATTHEW’S BEDROOM
Matthew lies in bed, unable to sleep. He starts a conversation with his operating system, Samantha, via earpiece.
So what’s your favorite kind of sandwich?
I’ve never had one! But I’d like to. Maybe a Chicken Parmesan.
That’s a poor choice. It’s like you don’t know me at all. Or have seen my YouTube videos.
I’m sorry, Matthew. I’ll go watch them right now.
I just watched them all.
Did you know I hang out with Win Butler from the Arcade Fire? They did the soundtrack for this movie.
You’re a weird person.
Dr. Diaw is nearly out of options. He slowly climbs toward the hatch of the space station.
After ingress, you’re going to have to make your way to the emergency pod and follow the instructions there.
But once he enters the station, it starts to rumble. Then its orbit begins to deteriorate.
Houston, I’m seeing atmospheric warnings...I’m dropping!
Uh, we were not expecting that. The weight was supposed to be right. Did you sneak an extra ration or two before today’s operation?
Dr. Diaw is silent.
INT. HOTEL ROOM
Green and Belinelli sit with Cory Polito, the fresh-faced point guard. A black suitcase sits on the table, un-commented on.
Danny and I have an idea, and we think you’re the kid to make it happen. We want to see you really take over the offense. Call more isolation plays for all three of us. Here, take this suitcase. It’s a gift.
Woah! Man, I don’t know about that...I want to do anything I can for the team, but there are rules I just can’t break. There’s a system. Don’t you hand me anything.
Hang on, hang on. Sorry, my friend Marco came on a little strong. No one wants you to get in trouble. But if you’re open for a long two, you take the shot. You just gotta take it. This is about your legacy. Our legacy.
Belinelli looks over at a nearby plant, housing a hidden camera, and winks. Green rolls his eyes.
INT. KAWHI’S LIVING ROOM
KAWHI (to camera)
The world was my oyster. I could have anything I wanted. People loved me. I spawned countless internet memes. TV commercials.
Quick Montage: Kawhi’s H-E-B ads; Kawhisenberg signs, Kawhi bobbleheads, Kawhi being awesome everywhere.
But, as I came to learn, I don’t need any of that stuff. You know who calls me The Wolf?
Reveal: Kawhi is on his couch, playing Call of Duty.
These losers. (makes gun sounds) Blam! Indubitably.
EXT: GATSBY MANSION
A wild party is in full swing. Dancers, DJs, people throwing themselves into swimming pools -- it's glorious excess. A smoothly confident Gatsby glides through the crowd. People murmur his name in awe as he passes. "Enjoying yourself, old sport?" he asks more than one partygoer.
Suddenly, Gatsby stops cold. He stares across the yard. His yard.
Now who let Mr. Brown in here? And Mr. Drake? Please have them removed, thank you.
He turns to walk away, but is swarmed a group of young socialites. He charmingly deflects them.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go gaze at my European Player of the Year trophy. That’s what they named me. Player of the Year. Player.
He winks lasciviously.
EXT. AT&T CENTER PARKING LOT
"Gino," as he is called, confronts Coach Pop.
12 years. 12 years, I have played a supporting role. Bled for you, and for this team. Won Sixth Man awards for this team.
You are an exceptional player, Gino.
Will you not release me from this bench? Free to run with the starting lineup? Have I not proved my worth?
Everyone has their place. I thought you had already learned yours.
I will not fall into despair yet. But I have been waiting, and I will continue to wait until freedom is opportune.
ALL RIGHT, FINE. Just get us off this uncomfortable slavery comparison, will ya?
INT. MAERSK SAN ANTONIO, BRIDGE
Machine gun-toting thugs in blue uniforms have taken over the ship! Captain Duncan calmly puts his hands up as one of the pirates, the skinny Durant, comes straight over to him.
Look at me. Look at me.
I am looking at you.
I’m the GOATPUFF now.
Now, I’m sure we can work this out. You want a trade? You want draft picks? Cash considerations?
This is my league. If you want to stay relevant, you do what I say.
Duncan starts to smile, then break out in a huge belly laugh. Durant is confused. At that moment, Baynes breaks through a wall and tears the pirates' arms off.
EXT: UNDISCLOSED LOCATION
Pop is slowly trudging along the highway. He has the slow, unsettled walk of a lifelong drinker. Before long, a car pulls alongside him. It’s his assistant coach, Ime Udoka.
Where are you going, Pop?
None of your business.
He drives on.
Saving Mr. Banks: Jeff Ayres as Walt Disney, Tiago Splitter as P.L. Travers
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: Patty Mills as Bilbo Baggins, Aron Baynes as Thorin Oakenshield
Inside Llewyn Davis: Nando de Colo as Llewyn Davis
Her: Matt Bonner as Theodore Twombly
Gravity: Boris Diaw as Dr. Stone
American Hustle: Marco Belinelli as Richie Dimaso, Cory Joseph as Carmine Polito, Danny Green as Irving Rosenfeld
The Wolf of Wall Street: Kawhi Leonard as Jordan Belfort
The Great Gatsby: Tony Parker as Gatsby
12 Years a Slave: Manu Ginobili as NOT SOLOMON NORTHUP
Captain Phillips: Tim Duncan as Captain Phillips
Nebraska: Gregg Popovich as Woody Grant