:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/28760671/nbarodeo.0.jpg)
Dear NBA All-Star Site Selection Committee,
Please consider this an official bid for consideration to host a future NBA All-Star Weekend. Below you will find details of our formal proposal.
Considerations
Reason for consideration number 1.
San Antonio loves All-Stars. If given a choice between watching a bunch of All-Stars or spending time with our kids, native San Antonioians choose All-Star watching every single time. We especially love it when all the All-Stars do a bunch of slam dunks. There is absolutely nothing more exciting than watching a bunch of slam dunks.
Reason for consideration number 2.
San Antonio loves festivities. San Antonioians even reserve the entire month of April to party. When Fiesta starts the entire town shuts down and we all drink tons of beer and eat gorditas. We do the Battle of Flowers and have all kinds of parades and drink tons of beer. We have an Oyster Bake and a tequila fest over by the zoo. If you think the All-Stars have a good time in New Orleans or Las Vegas, wait until they come down to the Alamo City for All-Star Weekend and they start eating gorditas and drink tons of beer.
Reason for consideration number 3.
The rodeo is always here. It's cool and all, but it lasts for about 3 months and it gets boring after a while. We could really spice it up if we dropped an NBA All-Star weekend right in the middle of the pig shows and while the steer wrestling title is still up for grabs. I'm pretty familiar with the pig barn, and trust me when I tell you that if we do this right in the middle of the pig shows, we'll get a huge return.
Proposals
Proposal number 1.
Some might think that since the rodeo is in town that would cause a logistical problem. I disagree. I don't know any engineers, but my buddy Keith built a cabinet in his garage once, so I discussed it with him. If you aren't familiar, the rodeo concerts are held on a spinning stage. Based on Keith's experience, he's pretty sure we could build a basketball court on the stage, and IT WOULD SPIN.
Just imagine that for a minute. Those All-Stars up on that court, spinning and doing lots of slam dunks. It would be heaven.
Proposal number 2.
We'd have Trace Adkins and Snoop Dogg sing a duet at halftime. It would be a mix of Gin And Juice and You're Gonna Miss This. Think about how kick-ass that would be.
You're gonnna miss this
Gin and Juice
You're gonna miss this
Gin and Juice
You're gonna miss this
Gin and Juice
It gives me shivers just thinking about it.
Proposal number 3.
We would dig a pit and have Pitbull riding a bull in the pit. He could do his concert that way. Singing about all the places he's been to, and how he was down, but now he's on top of the world, and how he's just living for the moment, and tonight we're gonna get so drunk. All while riding a bull! It would be earth shattering. LONDON. TOKYO. EIGHT SECONDS PITBULL.
Proposal number 4.
We'll take Dirk to Fredericksburg to get a schnitzel.
Proposal number 5.
Craig Sager can go hang out at a taqueria. Not to get anything to eat, just to stand around at a taqueria.
Proposal number 6.
We'll introduce KD and LeBron to the newest delicacy in San Antonio: Raw Chicken Tacos.
They are very delicious and the guys will love them after they get beyond the gag reflex.
Proposal number 7.
Shaq and Barkley floating down the Guadalupe on a tube. Perhaps there might be some large San Antonioian ladies lined up on the shoreline throwing rocks, but probably not. Surely that wouldn't happen. Let's just forget I mentioned that part at all.
Proposal number 8.
No one has ever proven that broncos and bulls don't like slam dunks. Why are we robbing them of that?
Proposal number 9.
Dwight Howard will be required to play the game mounted atop a donkey.
Proposal number 10.
It would be awesome.
Conclusion
Let's make this happen, NBAASSC. Please let me know when you'd like me to forward along revenue projections and beer orders. If I need to start an online petition or get additional letters of reference, let me know. We need to get moving on this because I'll see PitBull at the rodeo on Wednesday night and he is expecting a debriefing from me on the Pitbull on a bull in a pit concert idea.
