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Mid Season Player Grades in Less Than 15 Minutes

Manu Ginobili (The Sickness, Opus, etc.) Grade: AA+++^^+

What can be said that has not already been said? How about this? The man's play has given me an erection three different times this season. And one of those times I was wearing my Pope-blessed erection proof Chastity Chaps!

Tim Duncan (The Cornerstone, Timmeh!, etc.) Grade: B+

He's coming along after a lazyish start. Hasn't been hurt all that much.

Tony Parker (The Wee Frenchman, Frenchie McWonderbutt, etc.) Grade: B

He was pretty freaking awesome before he hobbled his ankle. And that shit with him doing Grease with Eva was funny as all hecky-shucks-darn.

Matt Bonner (The Gingerhead Man) Grade: B

Maybe it's been my imagination, but I swear he hasn't sucked. I swear. However, if you consider how little playing time he's gotten, and who Pop's playing in his place, well, he must of sucked the suckiest donkey balls ever sucked.

Pop (Coach Wino) Grade: D-

The only thing saving him from an F is the fact he hasn't physically injured Manu yet.

Robert Horry (Ear Muffs, etc.) Grade: G

Horry's proving it's ok if you suck balls as long as it's the coach's balls your sucking. Sorry. That was gross. Just picture that. Eww.

Michael Finley (Conspicuously Devoid of a Nickname as Far as I Can Remember) Grade: C

He tries hard all the time. His multi-directional fadeaways give me the runs.

Jacque Vaughn () Grade: D

During the RRT I nearly threw my effing shoe at my tv because that horrible color commentator kept going on and on about how well he'd been playing. He sucked balls. Check his stats. They were awful. He just shot the ball a lot out of sheer embarrassment. If Tony Parker played that way he'd be tarred, feathered and shipped out of town.

Fabricio Oberto () Grade: B-

Thoroughly uninspiring but sucks way less than Elson.

Bruce Bowen () Grade: B-

Not shooting all that well lately and takes way too many jump shots. Bruce, just because you practiced your running left hander all summer doesn't mean you get to shoot it every time you're open.

I'm out of time. Sorry Brent. Get well soon. Everyone else hasn't mattered. [Edit: Sorry, Ime, you matter, too.]