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I, Like, Totally Have All the Answers


Retire Robert Horry. Whether that requires blackmail, bribery or simply shooting the man in the kneecap, make him go away. The Spurs average 99.8 points per 100 possessions when he's on the court and 111.2 when he's off. I don't care how many shots he blocks per game, it can't make up for the absolute zero he is on offense.

Speaking of zeros on offense, let's make a list of Spurs players the other team doesn't really have to guard when the Spurs have the ball:

Robert Horry
Jacque Vaughn
Bruce Bowen
Francisco Elson
Fabricio Oberto
Michael Finley

And don't even give me any shit for including Finley on that list. His TS% is 49.7% which is below league average, below Bruce Bowen and below Ime Udoka. Finley can still can the open 3 but he takes so many horrible fall away 2s that he more than negates his long-range capabilities. I love how we start every game by running a play for him. It's like starting sex with a bunch to the balls. Unless you're into that sort of thing. Then it's not like that.

Ime Udoka needs to play more. First of all, he's got that cool arm birthmark scar thing going on. That shit is tight. Secondly, you get the feeling he would punch a fella if provoked. Thirdly, he can actually grab a fucking rebound occasionally, more than can be said for Bowen and Finley.

(Look, I know Parker's been bad lately, but I'm not going to pile on because:

A) He's hobbling, hobbled; he has a hobble.
B) There's about 9 other Spurs who have sucked more than him.
C) Half the crap he gets is mainly due to a reaction against the sizable portion of Spurs fans who foolishly think he's anything close to the player that Manu Ginobili is. I'm not going to participate in that.

BUT, Tony, do yourself a favor and stop talking to the opposing players with a smile on your face when your team is losing and playing like ass. That's awfully French of you, ok?)

Shoot Robert Horry in the other kneecap, just to be safe.

The next time Manu passes the ball when Kyle Korver is guarding him someone needs to punch Manu straight in the schnozz. That's a buncha bullshit Manu. And shoo away the pick and roll in that situation, mmmkay? IT'S KYLE KORVER FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Did you know that defensively the Spurs are only 0.2 points better per 100 possessions when Duncan is on the court? Last year the difference was 6.5 points. The year before that it was 2.0 point difference. You slackin' out there Tim? Just wonderin'. Don't get me wrong, youz ain't the problem. But I like to rag on you just to piss off the common folk.

And another thing that every Spurs fan just needs to admit. We need to get this off our collective chest. I don't say this lightly, and I'm gonna use a word I don't often use on this here blog. Fabricio Oberto plays like a bitch. I'm sorry Mom, He does. That Houston game was embarrassing. Grabbing folks and then falling down like they pushed you. Grow a pair, Jesus. Wait. I'm not telling Jesus to grow a pair. I doubt he has much use for a pair because, wait, I'm digressing and offending; digrending? It's an expression, like "grow a pair, damn!"

Play Matt Bonner. I mean, shit, this is pretty self-explanatory, right? Matt Bonner does not suck ass. Pop is currently playing a bunch of guys that suck ass. I see an easy solution to this here predicament.