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Warriors Sign Chris Webber to Play "All-Time Goalie"

The Golden State Warriors have signed Chris Webber to play "all-time goalie." Don Nelson plans to immediately put him in net to get him in shape in time for the playoffs.

Webber did not shy away from tough topics during Tuesday's press conference:

"Now I know playing goalie requires quick lateral movement, and Lord knows my knees haven't allowed to me to shuffle my feet since 2002. But I got it figured out. I'm gonna stand sideways, that way I just have to run forwards or backwards! And lemme tell you, I can backpedal like a motherfucker!"

He also admitted that he'll have to adjust his game:

"I'm most worried about set pieces, especially with that new British fella in the league. Mine curves to the left, too, but apparently Beckham's is out of control. I'm surprised because he's, umm, nevermind."

Don Nelson had tough words for a reporter who asked him what he planned to do on offense:

We'll of course use a ghost runner on all possessions. Jesus, it's standard procedure, really. Who let this fucknut in here anyway?

The Warriors let go Tony Meola in order to make room for Webber on the roster. When reached for comment he seemed baffled, saying "I've been retired for like six years now, bro."