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Now I'm Doing Horse. It's June.

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The key to the perfect bag of microwaved popcorn is not the whole "wait until you hear three seconds between pops." I never wait that long. Two, two and a half seconds, tops. And then comes the important part. You have to yank that bag out of the microwave, open it immediately and shake the steam out that bag. Yeah, it'll burn your fingers like a motherfucker, but that steam is either gonna burn your fingers or burn your popcorn. Easy choice if you ask me.

So, yeah, Frenchie McWonderbutt sprained his ankle. It's an ankle. He's a basketball player. They sprain their ankles. This isn't news people.

What is news? Did you hear about the feud between Bruce Bowen and Robert Horry? I did. But I'm pretty sure I was dreaming. Apparently they were going to meet and patch things up. I'm planning on sleeping some more tonight, so I'll let you know if my subconscious updates me on this dicey situation.

So, you know Mariah Carey's classic album Daydream? For a long time I was unequivocally convinced that Fantasy was the best song on the album. But now I'm having seconds thoughts; Always be My Baby is quite the little diddy.

do do do doo
do do doop do doop da dum
do do doop dum
do do doop do doop da dum

Oh joy the Spurs resigned Jacque Vaughn. Terrific. Floor burns count as points, right? What about forced jumped balls? Well, he'll be better than Nick Van Exel. Again: terrific.

So, Kevin Garnett got traded to the Celtics. What do I think? I think the Celtics would be the Eastern Conference favorites if they had me as a coach. I know, I know, I can't be seriously implying that I, Matthew Powell, would be a better NBA coach than Doc Rivers. Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying. Let's be clear:

I, Matthew Powell, would be a better NBA coach than Doc Rivers.

What would I do first? Make that nancy boy Ray Allen bite his freshly manicured fingernails, that's what. He'd probably pee his satin panties. Then I'd yank his ass any time he shot anything that wasn't a wide open three. And when the media asked me why, I'd be all professional and say "I don't comment on team matters. But Ray Allen is most definitely a pantywaist."