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There's No Laughing in Basketball

Well, before I get into my take on this whole thing, let's get to the details surrounding Joey Crawford's preposterous ejection of Tim Duncan on Sunday. First, a remarkably direct and pointed Tim Duncan (via

"You know what, Joey has a personal problem with me... he's obviously got a personal problem with me... he came into this game with a personal vendetta against me."

More Duncan, taken from an piece:

"He looked at me and said, 'Do you want to fight? Do you want to fight?"' Duncan said. "If he wants to fight, we can fight. I don't have any problem with him, but we can do it if he wants to. I have no reason why in the middle of a game he would yell at me, 'Do you want to fight?"'

(The Duncan-Crawford fight is the next logical step after the Barkley-Bavetta footrace.)

And now Crazy Joey Crawford:

"And then he went over to the bench and he was over there doing the same stuff behind our back," Crawford said. "I hit him with one (technical) and he kept going over there, and I look over there and he's still complaining. So I threw him out."

"He kept going over there????" Over where? He was at the bench the whole time. What the hell are you talking about Joey? Did you think the bench was moving? Because I'm pretty sure the bench stays in roughly the same spot the whole game. And "still complaining?" He was laughing, Joey. How is laughing complaining? Haven't studies with chimpanzees shown that even they understand simple facial expressions? Does Crazy Joey lack the cognitive abilities of a chimpanzee?

More Crazy Joey:

Asked about Duncan not thinking he deserved to be tossed, Crawford said: "That's his opinion. He said nothing when he was walking off the court and he called me a piece of (expletive). Is that nothing?"

Wait, what? You're saying he "said nothing," but then you said he "called (you) a piece of shit," but then you ask "is that nothing?" Is that a trick question, because you've totally lost me. And wasn't that comment after you threw him out anyway? Are you like one of them Pre-Cogs from Minority Report? Or maybe you have one of them Magic 8 Balls and all signs pointed to yes? Sofa king?

"Hey Joey, fuck you." (AP Photo / Donna McWilliam)


Joey Crawford is a petulant, bald-headed prick.

I realized long ago that, in the grand scheme of things, I don't matter. I could get run over by a bus tomorrow and maybe 20 peoples' lives would be affected. That doesn't say anything about the quality of human I am; that's just life and death. Kurt Vonnegut said it best: "So it goes."

Now if Joey Crawford gets hit by a bus tomorrow, things would be quite different. Not that any more people would actually care, or that any more lives would be altered, but more people would be told about it. Oprah dies? Front page news and millions in mourning. Oprah's talk show producer dies? Mentioned on the front page of, but only due to an association to someone or something that people actually care about. That's just the cruel nature of entertainment.

So Joey I'm sorry that you don't matter. It's not really your fault. But stop acting out and ruining things for the rest of us, ok? It's not going to make us value your existence any more.


Top Ten Things That Crawled Up Joey Crawford's Ass and Died:

  1. Bennett Salvatore.
  2. Sheena Easton.
  3. A rabid sugar-glider.
  4. Donald Trump's hair.
  6. A gayly festooned trampoline.
  7. Mark Cuban.
  8. Robert Horry's jumpshot.
  9. Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
  10. The IRS's collective foot.