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A Totally Unbiased Review of James White's First 15 Minutes in the NBA

Note: Due to my hatred of commercials and possession of a DVR, I started watching the game about 9 PT.

3rd Quarter Summary

12:00 -- I check the text message stampler sent me (from Oracle Arena) about two hours earlier, figuring whatever it is he wanted to point out had already happened.

You're gonna kill me if White plays.

Wait. What? He's dressed? The Spurs are up 16 at half against a Warrior team that would rather snitch on Suge than play a lick of defense, playing a segababa, and James White is actually eligible to play? Oh dear sweet Baby Jesus in a manger... the immediate game after I have courtside seats and His Flightness, a man who's cause I have championed from the beginning, is suited up. How is this fair? What does this do to my already wavering belief in a higher power?

I leave these questions for another day and immediately prepare. Send a quick text to stampler telling him "you're dead to me," wrap the couch in saran wrap, grab my Costco-purchased tub of KY and wait.

2:42 -- There he is. On the court. #33, sparkling white NBA logo head band perfectly askew atop his head. Al Harrington, feeling a mixture of fear and respect, weeps openly, and I am not afraid to say I have an erection that would frighten Traci Lords.

Pacers ball; Flight is covering Pietrus in the corner. Harrington takes Elson baseline and White is there with the help defense, forcing a travel the refs miss. Harrington misses the shot. Flight elevates for the rebound, but, knowing he'll have the man's job soon enough, allows Finley to grab the board.

James White's quickness can alter the flow of rills, creeks, streams and the occasional river.

2:29 -- White takes his offensive position in the corner while Tony non-chalantly undresses the Warrior defense, taking the layup instead of dishing out to Flight for his first NBA 3-pointer.

Selfish Frenchie prick.

2:18 -- Barnes drives middle, forcing White to leave Pietrus open in the corner (where he misses the 3) and help on Richardson on the wing.

Richardson 3P wing percentage? 82.2. Pietrus corner 3P percentage? -7. Flight's defensive acuity? Unparalleled.

2:00 -- Parker drives the middle, kicking it out to Flight for his first NBA shot attempt. Unfortunately the pass is the worst in the history of the sport, shifting Flight off-balance and causing the shot to rim out.

Frenchie needs to watch hisself.

1:35-- Monta Ellis' lack of a conscience allows Flight to merely stand on the court for all to admire.

A child in the front row is inspired to become the next great sculptor, and she calls out to James: "I'll make Rodin my bitch, James! My bitch, I tell you!"

1:33 -- Parker dribbles around some more until Monta, not having the shot the ball in at least 15 seconds, decides to allow him the easy layup just to get the ball back.

James White, at the age of 7, could see all of Nellie ball's limitations.

1:11 -- Warrior turnover, leading to a 2-on-2 fast break with Parker and White. White points at the sky, preparing to unleash the unholiest of holy alley-oops on the Bay Area. Parker refuses to pass the ball, going to the rim and drawing a foul instead. Flight, tired of the Frenchie's disrespect, impregnates Eva Longoria with a mere thought.

1:02 -- James White makes his first NBA foul, an intentional one called on by Pop to get Parker out of the game. Sarunas Yesikevishus drives, the middle, sucking White into the lane and leaving Pietrus open for a three that he makes.

A more foolish man would point out that maybe White helped too soon. I would tell that man not to speak about things he could not possibly understand. After shivving him, of course.

0:50 -- Oberto looks for White on a cut down low. The ball is tipped by a Warrior and then off White's hands for a turnover that Oberto claims with alacrity. James White begins to think of ways to reward the Argentine's loyalty.

0:38 -- James White's vast talents were not needed this Warrior possession, so he taught a 42 year-old illiterate man to read.

0:28 -- Michael Finley, no doubt nervous in his debut with Flight, bricks a 3; his first miss of the game. Barry grabs the board and dishes it to Flight for his first NBA basket, a layup so beautiful, so perfect, that words, like copious amounts of seminal fluid, escape me.

0:04 Sarunas attempts a half-court shot, which Flight defends with such vigor that the opposing point guard loses all feeling in his lower extremities.

4th Quarter Summary

12:00 -- Oberto finds Barry down low for an easy 10-footer. On the way back down court Fabricio apologizes for not getting Flight the ball. James gives him a reassuring nod, his compassion sending a single tear down the Argentine's face.

11:45 -- James White's man gets the ball 20 feet from the basket, takes a single dribble and then passes the ball. He then apologizes profusely for his impotence. Flight corrects him, letting him know he meant "impudence" or even "insolence."

Flight, when required, can drop the vernacular like woah.

11:20 -- Finley gets his shit thrown and wonders if he'll ever make another basket. Jacikevisius throws up a weak attempt at a fast break and back comes Jacque Vaughn, who passes the ball to White before getting it back. Vaughn would later say "I know this doesn't make any sense, but after he passed the ball to me... I swear it felt more round."

10:41 -- Not much was required from His Flightness during this possession. Thus, seeking a challenge worthy of his great intellect, he telepathically teaches Jackie Butler the quadratic formula.

10:14 -- White gets the ball at the top of key, crosses the shit out of Matt Barnes, gets to the rack and draws the foul. He makes both free throws while reciting the preamble to the Constitution in Aramaic.

10:00 -- Once again James is not needed, so he takes the time to telepathically explain the power of Jackie's newfound knowledge. Butler, unfamiliar with equations, math and even, well, numbers, sees the world in a whole new light.

9:47 -- Matt Bonner makes a 3 and finds himself falling in love with James White.

9:26 -- James White, finding himself again with idle time, composes the lyrics for an entire rap album... all in iambic pentameter.

9:09 -- Oberto misses a shot while James White reminds a court side patron that she needs to pick up her dry cleaning tomorrow. The woman turns to her friend and says "Oh my God, I totally would have forgotten to pick up my dry cleaning if it wasn't for that strapping, handsome young man."

8:56 -- Jason Richardson tries to take Flight off the dribble and ends up embarrassing himself and his entire family. His mother refuses to speak to him for 3 months.

8:35 -- Matt Bonner travels after receiving a pass from White. He later tells friends "Oh my God, I was, like, so embarrassed and I, like, hope James didn't see me."

8:22-7:34 -- Over the next three possessions James White gives a lecture explaining the difference between Roth and regular IRAs, redefines the in-bounds pass and saves a troop of Girl Scouts from a cougar attack.

7:34 -- James White grabs his first rebound. Tim Duncan is seen taking notes.

7:24 -- James White compliments an usher on her hair. She smiles for the first time since January.

7:10 -- Matt Barnes runs into White and promptly collapses onto the floor in pain. James let's the anguish continue for 8 seconds before telling the pain "you can stop now." The pain, of course, stops.

6:50 -- White gets the ball on the wing, up fakes his defender and gets to the rim for the and-1. Finley is seen on the bench muttering under his breath while Carlesimo tries to explain the concept of athleticism to Popovich.

6:36-0:32 -- During these six minutes, among other things, James White collects his second and third rebounds, pens the 4th Law of Thermodynamics, effectively summarizes the works of Proust in six paragraphs, convinces Carlos Mencia to never speak again and explains Immanuel Kant's theory of perception to a group of Oakland's inner-city youths.

0:30 -- White cuts down the lane and single-handedly slams home an alley-oop from Oberto for his first NBA dunk. The culmination of his debut is so perfect, so sublime that your humble narrator, despite the events of the previous 14 minutes, found himself nearly overcome with emotions. It's all too much to explain.