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A Game Recap That Focuses On A Single Play

Stampler asked me to recap the Denver game because his "modem broke." Apparently you can only download midget porn for so many consecutive hours before your modem just up and breaks isself.

So the play I want to focus on involves Jacque Vaughn. You know the one I'm talking about. He drove the lane, threw up a wild shot (that missed) and landed on his ass. The ball ended up falling right to him and OMFG!!111!!! he caught it, passed it out and the Spurs eventually scored. The crowd went giddy, Tim Duncan cracked a smile and dished out the head pat and Sean Elliott climaxed to a chorus of "heh heh heh heh heh." And you know what I was thinking the whole time?

God, Jacque Vaughn sucks donkey balls. Big, hairy, stinky donkey balls. You don't even need stats to prove this. Here's some proof:

"Jacque's not the most talented guy," Popovich said, "but he's kind of like Avery (Johnson). He's a heck of a leader and understands the offense. People trust him. He'll tell people what to do and where to go. He'll have suggestions on the court. He's just a real pro."

That roughly translates to "Jacque Vaughn basically sucks as a basketball player." It's the God damn David Eckstein small-guy hero worship bullshit. I mean really, "He'll have suggestions on the court????" That's a positive attribute? Why not "He didn't sweep Manu's leg in practice yesterday."

You want more proof? He's always getting compared to Avery Johnson. And you know why he's compared to Avery Johnson? Because Avery Johnson fucking sucked, too. He SUCKED. He was barely an average defender who was actually a worse shooter than Jacque Vaughn. But hey, he was short, talked funny, loved the Jesus and tried hard so let's ignore the fact that his most famous highlight is an 18-footer he made that, when you get right down to it, didn't make much difference. The Spurs were already up in the game and leading the series 3-1. The Knicks were done and everyone knew it. It Sean Elliott hits that shot no one even remembers. That's because Sean Elliott could actually shoot, didn't suck and hates the Jesus.

But sure, hey, let's retire Avery's number. I'm all for it. The fans loved him, he was here for more than 5 years and the Spurs can use any criteria they like for hanging a number from the rafters. But can we not pretend he didn't suck? Can we admit we cringed every time he shot the ball, including from the free throw line? Can we acknowledge Jacque Vaughn's "good" performance against PHX was actually just him making some ridiculously wide open 18-footers that were available because he's a horrible fucking shooter? He's a fucking weak link. A sickness. A plague. Off with his fucking head, I say.