During the first half of tonight's game in Utah I felt like I was watching a Spurs team gearing up for the playoffs. Then the second half happened. And I swear Andrei Kirilenko's arms are longer than his legs. How's that for post-game analysis!
I hope all of you are fully into playoff preparation mode. Clearing your schedule. Windexing your tv screens. Researching the most ergonomic recliner angle. Putting the finishing touches on your Piston voodoo dolls. Waxing your hoo-has. Here's what the Spurs should focus on:
1. Keep Tim Duncan healthy.
1.A. Keep Tony Parker healthy and believing he can hit the outside jumper.
1.AA. Keep The Sickness healthy.
- Maintain home court advantage through the Western Conference Finals.
- Figure out the backup point guard situation. I believe that Pop is not sold on Van Exel, probably because he cannot guard anybody and a large portion of his shots fall between "ill-advised" and "really fucking stupid." Look Nick, you aren't Tony Parker: the teardrop has abandoned you. And so has your first step. And second. I'm not sure you even have feet at this point. Check for bloody stumps. And stop shooting the ball with more than 14 seconds left on the shot clock. You're going to give me a polyp.
- Determine what the hell has gotten into Brent Barry because I'm thinking he should be our backup PG in the playoffs. His game perfectly compliments TP. And he's been playing, dare I say, well as of late. He's even been guarding people! I mean, yeah, he still fouls entirely too much and he has to be leading the league in "most pathetic attempts at taking a charge." But he's not the glaring open path to the basket he was last year. It's gotten to the point where I am forced to temporarily retire his Official Pounding the Rock Nickname: The Cooler. For now he's The Cousy. I am not even going to explain that; just know that I am relentlessly clever. Tenaciously witty. Fervently full of myself.
- Wipe tonight's game from Parker's memory. In case you missed it, he was 3-4 from 3 point land. He had made 7 coming into tonight's game. I am petrified he's going to start VanExeling the ball at every opportunity. He needs to be firmly dissuaded, preferably by someone with influence. I'm looking at you Eva. And yes my pants are on this time.
- Kidnap Joakim Noah, teach him to talk with a New Zealand accent, cut his hair and give him Sean Mark's jersey. And if the Spurs win the title do not let him on the podium. What the hell was he doing up there?
- Show The Sickness tapes of himself during last years playoffs, excluding games 3-6 of the Finals. Repeat as necessary.
- Convince/bribe/blackmail Delfino to pull a Tonya Harding on Chauncey Billups.
- Mandatory hoo-ha waxing. It'll promote team unity and you know Tony Parker's already tidied up down there anyway.