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Next Time Just Give Me A Blue Ribbon That Says "Participant"

Game 19 @ Charlotte: Spurs 96, Bobcats 76

Your faithful narrator last night.

No, I am not losing weight. Well, maybe a little because I've stopped going to fast food places lately, but I am not losing weight at a rate where anyone would notice. What I AM losing however, is self-esteem.


So each section of our school paper had to vote for that section's MVP. I write for Op-Ed and for most of the semester it's been just me and this other guy doing it, with the third position kind of being a revolving door to assorted miscreants and flash in the pans.
Being the humble Spurs fan that I am, I voted for the other guy, even though he writes like total ass. Our two editors voted too. Then they told me to make sure I come to this party/awards ceremony the paper was throwing.

Okay, sure, whatever. No big whoop, right?

So I'm having a decent time at the party and by all accounts I should be in excellent spirits since I'm surrounded by gorgeous young ladies and they're all completely blitzed out of their minds (and I didn't even have to pay for this to happen). The food selection could have been better, I starved myself all day and paid $16 bucks for this party and all they served was fried shrimp, buffalo wings, and some above-average tasting spinach cheese dip, but whatever, I wasn't complaining. I even ordered myself a beer, which is pretty rare for me. Everything was cool.

Then came the award presentations presented by our Editor in Chief, Ben. He was so bombed that pretty much every other word out of his mouth was "Fucking" as in "You fucking writers think you're so fucking special, typing your little fucking words on your little fucking keyboards, but without these fucking people who work in copy and in the fucking backroom and who sell the fucking ads, none of your fucking columns would see the fucking light of day, you fucking fuckers!"

Co-Editor's Note: That wasn't an exact quote, I may have omitted a few fuckings because I felt they were excessive and in bad taste.

Anyway, they eventually got around to giving awards for my section. And I got... Most Improved Opinion Writer. Huh? What? And THE OTHER GUY GOT MVP!!! I have mentioned that there's only two of us in the section, right? I was so humiliated. My editors, who were dressed like total ho-bags for this shindig by the way, voted for him I guess.

Most Improved? What the hell is Most Improved? Why not just give me an award for Biggest Penis in a Beijing Pre-School? (Because it wouldn't be true?) ::Shut up, inner monologue!:: That just means they thought I was crappy before. I wrote exactly the same last semester, and I got just as much positive feedback from my fellow columnists. The only difference at all was that last semester I wrote more controversial columns and thus generated more angry letters to the editor. Now the other guy gets the angry letters because he writes like a total fucktard, and he's MVP? If that's the case, why didn't I get it last semester? I was so pissed. Honestly, it's the most upset I've been in like two months. I just left the party right away and went home. I had a Spurs game to watch on tape and this week's newspaper column to write.

But I was too angry to watch the game and way too angry to write anything coherent, so I watched the first half and went to bed. Is it possible to be so angry it makes you sleepy? Apparently it is.

So I woke up today, wrote some haphazard column about Robert Gates and Silly String and turned it in like twelve hours after my midnight deadline. I figured nobody would mind because they'd be too hung over to check. And if they do mind, well fuck `em. Fuck `em right in the pooper.

Anyway, after I e-mailed the article I finally watched the 2nd half of the Bobcats game. And long story short, I'm happy again. Oh, and I guess nailing both Daily Doubles in Jeopardy made me feel a little better too (the answers were Othello and Adam Smith btw). In the end, it's all about the little things.

I guess right about now would be a good time to apologize about not writing anything basketball related, but give me a break, huh? We beat the `freakin Bobcats for crying out loud. Should I hop around like a one-legged monkey?

Not only did we squash them like the day-glo orange bugs that they are, but for the second straight game, nobody on our squad even played poorly, so I have nothing to complain about. Hell, we're even making our free throws now, and that totally has me freaked out, but what are you gonna do?

Okay, okay, you forced it out of me. For a while Mr. Longoria was giving it a good go at Starburying it up, but eventually he even managed to pulled himself out of his tailspin. And technically Bruce's man outscored him 4-0, but really I'm just nitpicking. We've been playing well, folks. It's easy to write these when we lose or win a close one, but blowouts? Rainbows and unicorns and gumdrops and loose big-breasted women for everybody hooray!

Filthy perverts.

Um, what else about the game stood out? Oh, we had 11 shots blocked. Primoz Brezec had two swats, Emeka Okafor had three, and leading the way with four was their rim. Goddamit Timmy, learn to jump. This is getting embarrassing. If only he could have sex with Michael Irvin's great-great-great-great-grandmother this wouldn't keep happening.

Speaking of people who can't jump like they used to, Manu had a total Larry Bird moment in the third quarter. Bobcats coach Bernie Bickerstaff actually had the nerve to put Walter Hermann on him in the 3rd quarter. Now I realize this probably wasn't meant to be disrespectful and that Bernie probably figured that Gino's countryman would have an idea how to play him because of their time together on the national team, but much like Larry Legend, I can imagine Manu was fairly taken aback by a coach putting a white guy on him.

Poor Hermann was a chalk outline on the court after three possessions. Why the Hustlemaker even had a couple of Youtube moments in there, I dare say. First he had a sick and-1 reverse lay-up, kinda sorta reminiscent of the one he had against Marion in the playoffs, and then he made this bullet pass to Bones for a lay-in. So thanks for that Bernie, I needed it.

Bad move Bernie.

Your 3 Stars

3) Bruce Bowen - Totally clamped down the lovechild of Bird and Jack White to make up for his toasting the first time around. Still, 3rd star of the game status for a guy with zero points? Haven't had one of those since the Rodman days.

2) Manu Ginobili - 13 and 5 dimes in 20 minutes is pretty decent I'd say. Play more dammit. Especially with Brent and Beno. I've told you guys I like it when those guys play together, right?

1) Tim Duncan- Kinda took over there in the 4th quarter once he realized that the rim isn't Manute Bol. I like when he gets really pissed at himself during the games, because you know eventually he's going to take it out on the other team. He's like Hulk Hogan that way, but real.

Record: 14-5 Streak: W-3
Up Next: Vs. Los Angeles Clippers

They're surprisingly only 9-8 so far, and Corey Maggette still isn't starting for them, which is hard to figure. Obviously the Duncan-Brand match-up will be the biggie, but I'm more interested in who's going to be guarding Tony for them. E.T. can't handle him, that's for sure, but does that mean more Livingston? Or do they gamble and go with Ross there? Are we going to double Brand? I recall him really toasting us in one game last year. Will Manu start? Okay, that one's easy, he won't. Cos Coach Wino is stubborn. But he'll play more than 25 minutes, because this one won't be easy.

Either way, in all likelihood this game will be nothing but a rumor and a 30 second clip on SportsCenter for me, because for some stupid reason Clipper games are blacked out where I live. I'll try to go to a sports bar, but I'm not expecting to see it.