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A Turd Football Sandwich With Some Really Awesome Bread

Okay, before we begin, here's the deal. First I'll tell you a fairly interesting true story. Then I'll bore you with football picks. If you still hang with me to the end, I'll give you all a treat. But don't cheat, because I'll know if you do. Why? I'm a frickin' wizard, that's why. As I will show you...


I've been spending the last six hours arguing with this friend. I have no idea why he's my friend. All we ever do is argue. He's a complete moron. He actively hates women because it's their fault he's fat and ugly and has a shitty personality. All he does is lie and exaggerate and say stupid things for effect. We play Madden and he wishes injuries on my players and goes for it on 4th and 10 from his own 25, so even when I win, it's not fun. He drags me to stupid movies and then gets mad when I don't like them.

Here's the best story though. Last year SDSU had this PF named Marcus Slaughter. He was the classic power forward in a small forward's body. He couldn't shoot worth a lick, he had no dribble, no pull up, no handle, no nothing. He rebounded decently, but this was in the miserable Mountain West Conference where most of the opposing centers you face are 6-6 white boys from Montana. Anyway, because coach Steve Fisher (the same guy who won a title at Michigan and took two other teams to the final game, including the infamous Webber TO game) figured out pretty quickly that the guy doesn't have the skills of a three, he played him as a four, since pretty much all he can do is rebound. Most of his offense came from put backs as his post moves were as mechanical, yet non-threatening, as C-3PO.

Anyway, this doofus decided to come out for the NBA draft after his junior year even though there was no way in hell anybody was going to draft him. His selfish father put pressure on him to come out, and kept putting it into the kid's head that he was a 1st rounder. So I wrote an article for the paper slamming him for coming out early for such a gamble and telling him that if a degree is so worthless to him then he might as well leave school early because SDSU doesn't offer Turkish anyway, the implied joke being that the Turkish league would be in his immediate future.

The article never made the paper because my idiot friend posted it on some stupid Aztec basketball message board before it got published, and that's a big no-no and I almost got fired over it. Basically I'm not supposed to show anybody anything I write before it gets published because it's their intellectual property. (So Matthew, don't show anybody that thing I sent).

The thing is, this dope takes everything so personal that he actually was offended that I saw Slaughter play in person and didn't think he was good enough not to even be on somebody's bench in the league. Because we all know what an incredible diss it is to say that somebody isn't one of the 450 best people IN THE ENTIRE PLANET at his talent. Oooooooh, burn. Boy I sure would love to be the 451st best writer out there, I don't know about the rest of y'all. Just because he saw Slaughter play for four years and has grown attached to him, the guy HAS to be an NBA player. And so does Brandon Heath, their shooting guard....

Like I would give a shit either way. Like I have an agenda. Why would I say something I don't really think just for the hell of it? How does it benefit me in any way whether the guys are good enough to be NBA players or not? What do I gain or lose either way? Yet he thinks I'm insulting these guys by saying they're simply not good enough. So we had a six hour argument about it.

Anyway, here's how the story ends.

I'm a freakin' wizard people. The sooner you understand, the better off we'll all be.

The picks...

Minnesota at Chicago (-9) Way too many points for a shaky QB like Grossman. Bears to win, Vikings to cover.

Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh (-7) Dear God is the NFL boring. Why am I even doing this? Just to follow through on something I started? Is that the only reason? How sad. Steelers to win and cover.

Arizona at St. Louis (-6.5) Fun Fact: The Cardinals used to play in St. Louis, and the Rams used to play within a five hour drive of Anaheim. Okay I made that up. I have absolutely no earthly idea how long it takes to drive to Arizona from here. And I don't intend on finding out. Rams to win and cover.

Indianapolis at Tennessee (+7.5) Everybody thinks this will be an easy cover for the Titans, so I'm gonna go the other way and predict a beatdown. The Colts are getting Bob Sanders and Brandon Stokeley back and I think they'll want to make a statement. And Manning always likes to put on a show in Tennessee. Colts to win and cover.

Jacksonville at Miami (0) An easy win for the scorching hot Dolphins at home right? As Lee Corso would say, "Not so fast my friend." They lost Ronnie Brown for a few games, so they can't run the ball. I like the Jags defense here. Jaguars to win and cover.

San Francisco at New Orleans (-7) I can't decide, I like them both so much. So I'll go with the trusted Kentucky Fried Aaron method. Saints to win, Niners to cover.

Atlanta at Washington (-1) You couldn't imagine how giddy it would make me to see Jason Campbell, in his second career start, out-QB Mike Vick. Really, Britney Spears could stumble into the sportsbar tomorrow drunk as a skunk, plop down right next to me, and it wouldn't be as much fun. Falcons to win and cover*


*Kansas City at Cleveland (+5) Hungry team vs. White flag team. You would think this would be simple. You would think. Chiefs to win and cover.

Detroit at New England (-13.5) Jesus H. Christ don't the Pats ever play any road games? Aaaaaaaaargh. Pats to win and cover. ::Swearing loudly::

San Diego at Buffalo (+6) Bills always play tough up there in the cold weather, and the Chargers are due for an ugly game where nothing goes right. Upset of the week. Bills to win and cover. Wheeeeeeeeeee.

NY Jets at Green Bay (0) Another zero spread? What gives? Eh, who cares, Favre sucks. HE SUCKS. He really, really, really, really sucks. He should star in a reality show with Shaq, Robert Horry and Mike Finley. And Andy Reid can be the wacky landlord.

Dallas at NY Giants (+3.5) The Gints 3.5 dogs in their own stadium? How disrespectful. How crass. How...reasonable. Eh, whatever. Giants to win and cover.

Houston at Oakland (-3) This is Houston's 300lb guy standing next to 450 lb guy game. I'm obese, but I'm not THAT. You know what I mean? Texans to win and cover.

Seattle at Denver (-4) First start for Jay Cutler. The Tony Romo magic can't strike again, can it? It can if the defense plays hard for him. Broncos to win and cover.

Carolina at Philadelphia (+3) I wonder what the karmic punishment would be for betting money on my own team. I'm really mulling it over. Panthers to beat the living hell out of us, and obviously cover.

Okay, there, was that so bad?

Yes, I agree, it was torturous.

As a treat, I give you an ambigram, from some girl who calls herself "Carina Gino20" on the Spurstalk board.

How sweet is that, really?