clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

1. Wake Up Early 2. Read This 3. Call a Bookie 4. Gamble 5. Hate Me for Life.

I just came home from seeing a double feature of Lets Go To Prison and Casino Royale. Surprisingly, the former was the better flick, and it really wasn't close. For one, it actually had a plot that I could follow. For two, it was an hour shorter. And for three, it was funny. Okay, so that's not fair, Bond movies aren't comedies, so they're not supposed to be funny. But still, it was just lame and boring and looooooooooooong. I went to the bathroom for two minutes near the end, and apparently I missed the second plot twist so the rest of the movie made no sense to me. You see, I took this film class once and they taught me that all movies can be broken down into three parts. There's the introduction, then a plot twist which takes you into the body, then the second plot twist which takes you to the climax.

About the only thing the Bond movie had going for it was the girl. She was cute. LGTP on the other hand was a 90 minute sausagefest. There wasn't one woman in the whole movie I swear. Yes it takes place in a prison, but still. Still in Bond there were like a 100 more close ups of Daniel Craig's pursing lips than the girl's. I think they wanted to hammer home the point that he's handsome or something. And there was too much talking and not enough action. No cool gadgets. No scenes with Q showing off said gadgets. It was just dull. Just watch the comedy only or neither. Save your scrilla for a better purpose.

Like using it to gamble with...

And what better person to take advice from than a guy who went a sterling 8-8 picking outright winners and also 8-8 vs. the line? Eh? Eh? I'm 92-52 pickin `em outright and 72-68-4 on the line. That may not sound impressive to you (because it's not) but I think I'm beating the tar out of both fatboy King and The Sports Couple. I can't confirm this (next week, I'll try to look into it, but I say that every week) but it feels like I am.

Onto the picks...

Pittsburgh at Cleveland (+3.5)- I think Big Ben is getting way too much of the blame for the Steelers' collapse, just like he got too much credit when they were good. Such is the life of a quarterback I guess. Still, hasn't anyone noticed how atrocious Pittsburgh's defense has been lately? I'm still picking him here though. I have to reward them for winning me a five dollar wager with a retarded friend. After they lost to Oakland to drop their record to 2-5, this guy bet me that they wouldn't win another game all year. He would get a crisp Benjamin if he won, and I'd get five bucks if they finished 3-13 or better. The secret to looking intelligent is to hang out with people dumber than you folks. Always remember that. Steelers to win and cover.

New England at Green Bay (+6)- Such is the respect they give to the Belichick/Brady dynasty that even with two straight defeats they're favored by nearly a touchdown on the road against a Favre-led Packers team that's looking positively spunky. My brain tells me that the Pats are 4-0 on the road and that the Packers' rookie coach will be overwhelmed tactically. My heart tells me this is the worst New England team we've seen in some time and they're not good enough to make The Golden Brett look completely inept. Of course I'm taking the easy way out. Patriots to win, Packers to cover.

Oakland at Kansas City (-9.5)- Trent Green returns after a ten week headache and one has to wonder how rusty he'll be. But then I learned that Aaron Brooks will be making the start for Oakland, at Arrowhead, and the decision became real easy. Chiefs to win and cover.

Minnesota at Miami (-3)- Ugh. This stellar matchup was supposed to be the Duante Bowl. Unfortunately it turns out that he's a worthless piece of crap that lied to his coaches about his injury. So now it's just a meaningless battle of two putrid offenses dragging their better halves into the gutter. I'll go with the hot team here, but I'm never ever right on Dolphins games, so be warned. Dolphins to win and cover.

Cincinnati at New Orleans (-3)- The bettors are giving the Saints no respect at all. Here they are, 6-3, and they're only getting a lousy three points at home vs. a Cincinnati team that's lost three straight? What gives? I know the last time they played a home game vs. an AFC North team the Ravens flattened them, but Baltimore has a defense. The Bengals gave up 42 in one half of football. It'd be nice if for once the easiest game on the board actually worked out that way for me. Saints to win and cover.

Chicago at NY Jets (+6.5)- Can the Bears win their second straight game in the Meadowlands? Probably. Will their defense dominate a mediocre Jets offense? Probably. Can Rex Grossman string two strong performances together? Perhaps. Can I think of a single interesting thing to say about this game? Unlikely. Bears to win and cover.

Tennessee at Philadelphia (-13)- 13? Isn't this a little excessive? The Eagles have one decent performance and now they're favored by two touchdowns? This makes sense to people? The Titans run the ball way too well for me to be confident of a Philly rout here. Besides, I liked how last week worked out for me. It's much better picking them to not cover and be wrong than to pick them to cover and be wrong. Also, I see that Albert Haynesworth returns for Tennessee.

Here's a little note just to him: Dear Mr. Haynesworth, I'm sure you're eager to get back on the field and to compete alongside your teammates. Eh, who are we kidding, you just want to get paid again, am I right? Anyway, good look out there tomorrow, but if it's not too much trouble, I'd really appreciate it if you don't murder anybody on my team. Okay? Thanks in advance, and all the best.

Eagles to win, Titans to cover.

Washington at Tampa Bay (-3)- Another compelling match up, worthy of ESPN Monday Night Football package. They probably would have picked this, but they just had the Bucs last week. Anyway, I'll take the shitty rookie QB with the shitty healthy teammates over the shitty rookie QB with the shitty hurt teammates. And at home, no less. Buccaneers to win and cover.

St. Louis at Carolina (-6.5)- I've never really had much of an opinion one way or the other on Rams RB Stephen Jackson. Actually if anything I've poked fun of him in the past for having goofy hair and because that dumb betting friend of mine is in love with him. But then I read this interview this week in SI, and he said that his favorite off day hobby is reading and that he just finished Angels & Demons by Dan Brown and really liked it. For those of you that don't know A&D is Brown's best book. It's kinda like The DaVinci Code but there's more action and it's not way overrated and predictable. I highly advise you to pick up a copy. It's got all these neat ambigrams in it that are totally awesome. In fact, the main character in both novels, Robert Langdon was given his surname by Brown as a tribute to the world's foremost ambigram artist, John Langdon, who lent his considerable talents to A&D.

Anyway, one of the main characters in the book is this camerlengo. Now, I'm one of those people who always tries to attach a face to characters in novels. Anybody else do that? Anyway, for some reason I've always pictured the camerlengo in A&D looking like Manu. Maybe it's because he's youthful and Italian. I used to just say he looked like all these actors. Now I'm comparing him to fictional characters. I clearly have a problem. Oh right, the game. Panthers to win, Rams to cover. Jackson to keep St. Louis close with 200 yards and 3 TDs. Wheeee.

P.S. There's a poster on here, Gino20, who's a bit of an ambigram artist herself. She's made an excellent Ginobili one and you'll see what I'm talking about. Ask her kindly and she'll show you.

Atlanta at Baltimore (-4)- Heh heh, easy money here folks! Haven't you heard, Ray Lewis is out for this ballgame? That means Mike Vick is going to kick ass. You hear me? It's going to be total domination for the Falcons for four straight quarters. They shouldn't even bother playing this game it's such a colossal mismatch. Superman's gonna throw for 350 yards and 5 TDs, and run for another 200 with 8 TDs. Final score, Atlanta 91, Baltimore 0. Falcons to win and cover. ::giggles::

Buffalo at Houston (-2.5)- The Eric Moulds Bowl? Hold me back. Texans to win and cover. (yawn).

Detroit at Arizona (-2)- Holy fucking shit what's with all these awful games? Are there like only five interesting NFL teams or something? This always happens to me. When the season starts I'm excited about everybody, I join these fantasy leagues, I watch every game I can, I read all the boxscores. By week 11, all I really care about is the Eagles and the Colts, I've long ago quit the fantasy stuff, I read practically nothing, and I don't watch the Sunday or Monday night games unless one of the above mentioned two teams is involved. Still, even a total football whacko would be at his breaking point with this one... I guess I'll take Detroit since Arizona's totally quit on Denny. Lions to win and cover.

Seattle at San Francisco (+3)- I've forgotten to mention this before, but anybody see that Monday night game a couple weeks ago where Tyler Brayton of the Raiders tried to knee Jerramy Stevens in the balls? Here it is if you haven't. Anyway, it appears that Brayton missed his intended target because Stevens didn't drop to the ground in agony. Instead he was jumping up and down and talking smack afterward.

So what's my point?

Jerramy Stevens is the worst trashtalker in history.

"Ha ha, punk! That didn't hurt, that didn't hurt! You missed me fool! Ha! My balls are tiny, bitch! You hear me clown? I'm hung like a cashew! What? You just got your ass ejected because you kneed a guy who you assumed had genitals of average proportion for an adult male. Well you know what happens when you assume biyatch! Try that again dummy, go ahead! Knee me in the groin five more times, see if I care! You'll never find them playah, no sir. Enjoy your early shower and go soap up your perfectly normal sized sex organs, jerk. Me and my microphallus still got a game to play, loser. Whooooo! Whooooo!"

Um... Seahawks to win and cover.

Indianapolis at Dallas (0)- The Colts are undefeated and they're even money against a 5-4 team? It's embarrassing how everyone gets so bi-polar with the Cowboys. Every time they lose to somebody decent there's a huge controversy and people are calling for T.O. to be cut from the team. Then the next week they beat up on some patsy and all of a sudden they're the biggest threat to the Bears in the NFC. Well guess what, I see a defense that's custom made for Peyton to tear it up. Their secondary is a joke except for Terrence Newman, and they lost one of their two best passrushers when Greg Ellis went down with an ACL. Colts to win and cover. Easily.

San Diego at Denver (-2.5)- Not happy about having to miss the second half here for the Spurs game. Everyone else gets to watch a great game, I get to see sociopath Tru Warier take at least one cheap shot on Manu. Yeah, really, I'm psyched. Anyway, Denver's a tough place to play and Merriman is still out for the Chargers. That adds up to one shaky vote of confidence for Denver. Broncos to win and cover. I guess.

NY Giants at Jacksonville (-3.5)- I'm far less conflicted about missing this one for Spurs/Blazers. What is cheesing me off is that I'll be missing Heroes and Studio 60 because of hoops though. Dammit. Good thing I can watch them on, or I'd be seriously upset. Anyway, if the Jags can just take care of business at home against a crippled Giants club, my Iggles will be tied for first in the NFC East again. At least that's the plan. Jaguars to win and cover.