clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Psssst..... I Think He's Talking To You

Game 9 vs. Chicago: Spurs 100, Bulls 83

Oh my God, enough with the whining, people. Let's grow some sack, huh? It's bad enough our power forward has to bitch and moan after every whistle, do I really have to put up with y'all now too?

I missed the game, I missed the game, Comcast screwed me, wah! Just a shameful display by Matthew Powell our fearless leader. C'mon dude, you're supposed to be setting an example for the rest of these ne'erdowells.

And what's with you liking all these stupid doctor shows? First Scrubs, now Gray's Anatomy? I've seen a couple episodes of that show because my mom loves it and I was openly ridiculing her by the second commercial break. It's like the most ridiculous premise I've ever seen for a show.

In case no one here has seen it, let me catch you up on the first 2 ½ seasons, okay? There are a bunch of doctors at a hospital in Seattle, their looks range from above average to drop dead gorgeous, and they all take turns boning each other. There. That's the whole show. They decided to go with the clever "Gray's Anatomy" title there, as a reference to the famous medical textbook penned by British physician Henry Gray in the 19th century, but personally I would've gone with "Slut, M.D." or "Dr. Gray's Incredibly Busy Vagina."

Already through two and a half seasons, the writers have burned through nearly every possible coital coupling between members of the main ensemble cast. The only combinations left are of the same-sex or orgynized nature, and frankly when those episodes start, I'd like to be alerted. Still there is so much fucking going on at this hospital, in offices, elevators, patient's rooms, laboratories, even supply closets, that it's a wonder how any patients ever get treatment. If I were a patient assigned to this hospital for a sprained ankle, I would honestly fear for my life. The only good news about that would be that the closer I get to flat-lining for good, the better my odds would be of Katherine Heigl doing me. Because you see, the character she plays on the show, her whole thing is to fall in love with terminal patients and sleep with them right before they die. Like a porno version of the Make-A-Wish foundation. Seriously. This was an entire story arc for the show.

Much more interesting in my humble opinion is "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip." The Sports Guy made an interesting point in today's column that there's an inherent flaw in the show because the whole premise is that these two brilliant guys were hired to turn a show that used to be funny once but isn't funny anymore back to being funny again, but none of the sketches they come up with seem the least bit funny in real life. I'm almost positive I could have written that more coherently, but oh well. Anyway, I don't think Simmons has thought this all the way through.

Let me explain.

Studio 60 is an Aaron Sorkin show. Aaron Sorkin wrote "Sports Night" and "The West Wing." Both of those shows were clever, but not Ha-Ha funny. There's a difference. Now he's writing Studio 60, and it's pretty obvious that the Matt Albey character (played by Matthew Perry) in the show represents Sorkin in real life. Both of them write the lion's share of their shows, do certain things better than anyone in their field, have major control issues, and seem incapable of acknowledging their weaknesses as writers. Albey can't write from a non-liberal, non-secular point of view. Sorkin can't write comedy. Now since Albey is fictional, his faults don't necessarily impact Sorkin. However since Sorkin is Albey, his faults become Albey's faults. Thus since Sorkin isn't funny, neither is Albey, even though all the characters in the show pretend that he is.

The obvious solution is for Sorkin to hire a couple of writers whose sole responsibility would be to come up for funny skits for the fictional show. Unfortunately, this can't be reasonably expected to happen for four reasons. 1) Sorkin, like Albey, can't delegate authority. He doesn't trust anyone else. 2) It isn't easy to write funny skits consistently. If one has the ability to do so, he/she would be much better off working for a real comedy show than a sitcom about a fictional comedy show. The pay, I'm guessing would be at least five times better since the budget for comedy shows is for the writers and the budget for sitcoms such as Studio 60 are for the big name actors, of which there are several on the show. The only writer on Studio 60 getting good money is Sorkin, and he's not going to take a pay cut. 3) Even real comedy shows aren't that funny. SNL in its hay-day with Murphy and Murray and Aykroyd or even the 2nd wave of Myers, Carvey, Hartman, Farrell, Sandler, etc. only made you laugh three or four times in 90 minutes. It's just a very difficult thing to do, sketch comedy. 4) Finally, his "24" reference was way off base. The reason 24 can do all sorts of creative things in its plot is because it's all fictional. They use fake presidents, fake terrorists, and fake secret government agencies. None of their writers have to be accountable for anything. In Studio 60, they're still basing their topical humor on the real world, so they aren't allowed to take as many chances with the jokes they make, especially on a network show.

All that being said, the show kicks Gray's Anatomy's ass, much like we kicked the Bulls' ass today, and I strongly recommend that you all watch it. The show, that is. Not the game. The game sucked.

Oh right, the game. There's a reason I've been avoiding this. Basically anybody who missed it should count their blessings. It was a sloppy turnoverfest (the two teams combined for 45! giveaways) sprinkled with sporadic moments of competence. I counted at least a dozen traveling violations that were called another five or so the refs let go. No matter how often the whistle blows, it appears that the average NBA player is too arrogant to adjust their game to the new rules. It just doesn't register. Kinda like that "Cape Fear" parody The Simpsons did a decade ago. No matter how many times the agents at the Federal Witness Protection program try to explain to Homer that his surname is Thompson now, he just cannot process it. It's just like that.

I'm starting to have second thoughts about my lofty predictions for the Bulls. Their offense stinks right now, despite Luol Deng's improvement. Gordon is completely indiscriminate about his chucking and he and Heinrich combined for 12 turnovers in this one, the majority of which were of the unforced variety. Normally shooting 46% for the game (and above 50% from three) would be enough to get a team at least in the mid 90s, but they were just utterly careless with the ball.

Not that we were any better. We somehow got a 100 thanks to an above average night from the field, from downtown, and even from the stripe, but believe you me it was not our finest performance. The positives were that Timmeh only played 32 minutes and no starter besides him got 25. Oh and our bench sprung for 48 of our 100.

The negatives? Well I think I'll save the 4,000 word irrational Manu rant for Adam tonight. It's not the right time for it since we won a blowout an' all. But don't think for a nanosecond that I'm not paying attention to what's going on out there.

Your 3 Stars

3) Brent Barry- Mr. Chuckles decided to grace us (well those of us who recorded the right game at least) with his picturesque shooting stroke tonight. It's been a while. Also made several of his patented "Brent Barry I'm looking at the guy I'm going to pass it to the whole time but I'll turn my head at the last second so it looks like a fancy no-look pass" passes.

2) Tim Duncan- 21 and 11 for Mr. Roboto and his help defense has been better of late. He is turning it over at an alarming rate though. Bears mentioning.

1) Beno Udrih- Once again Beno's making me toot. He had nine helpers in 24 minutes, including seven in the last quarter. Put on a passing clinic near the end, but even I thought Sean Elliott was stretching things a bit when he said "Beno makes the game look so easy out there." Still, this is his second good outing in three games, and I'm hopeful he can string some solid games together more consistently. Especially since he's willing to pass it to Manu when they play together...

(oops, there I go...)

Record: 7-2 Streak W-1
Up Next: @ Sacramento Kings

It should be a fascinating duel between our slumping Hustlemaker and the comically inept shooting tandem of Mini-Me and Tru Warier. Which of the three (if any) will surpass the mythical 40% barrier for the game? Matthew should make a poll out of it. By my calculations there would be like eight possible scenarios, but you might want to double check with the engineer.

P.S. I won my bet today. So there.

P.P.S. The doofus on SportsCenter just identified Beno as Manu in a highlight clip. ESPN quality all the way...