Update / Introduction

Figure out the backup point guard situation. I believe that Pop is not sold on Van Exel, probably because he cannot guard anybody and a large portion of his shots fall between "ill-advised" and "really fucking stupid." Look Nick, you aren't Tony Parker: the teardrop has abandoned you. And so has your first step. And second. I'm not sure you even have feet at this point. Check for bloody stumps. And stop shooting the ball with more than 14 seconds left on the shot clock. You're going to give me a polyp.

And that Yao Ming. Wow, he sucks, too. He was a number 1 pick! He's 8' tall! He should be scoring 30 and grabbing 15 every night! And because he's only going for 22 and 10 he is the most overrated player in the world! I don't care that he's only 25! He's the suckiest suck who ever sucked! I don't care if he played on one foot for half the season and didn't complain! Superstars play with pain! Except for Anfernee McGrady, but he doesn't have to because he has a signature shoe and a wry smile! He sells a bazillion jerseys! He's got street cred! Chinese people cannot have street cred! He's probably stealing American secrets! He's a communist! He doesn't put sugar in his tea! He doesn't kiss with saliva! He has a weak hand shake! He saw Brokeback Mountain and he didn't go with a girl! He owns plants and enjoys reading The New Yorker! He refuses to warp when playing Super Mario Bros because he considers it cheating! He spells "color" and "favorite" with those fucking superfluous u's!

4. Trade The Franchise to save the franchise.

Do teams get better when Steve Francis leaves? The Orlando Magic are 16-4 in the 40 days, which is the second-best record in the league over that period. I guess Francis can commiserate with his new friend Starbury. -- ESPN.com

Let's apply the scientific method to the question "Do teams get better when Steve Francis leaves?" Actually, I don't remember the exact tenets of the scientific method, so let's just use really bad logic. Theoretically there is nothing preventing Francis for playing for every team in the league and one of them twice. This would imply he would have to leave every team, too. Well, every team cannot get better, can it? Someone has to lose. Similarly, every team cannot get worse. Therefore Steve Francis is an absolute non-factor and due to my incredible power of reasoning is now fading from this reality like Marty McFly in Back to the Future.

Probably nothing will happen. For the sake of everyone involved (I sort of feel a little sorry for Artest) I hope nothing happens. But I think the Spurs should take some precautionary measures and I have a few suggestions:

A) Under no circumstances is Ginobili to make eye contact with Ron Artest. He might interpret that as a sign of aggression and the Tru Warier inside him may be unleashed.

B) The Spurs need a contingency plan in case Artest pulls an Artest. Here's what I'm thinking. Beno Udrih probably ain't gonna play much anyway, so give him the extra special assignment of being a decoy. Tell him it's top secret and called "Operation Cannon Fodder." Being Slovenian he probably won't know what that means. Shave his entire body except his scalp. Give him some quality hair extensions; go for the Farah Fawcett look. Dress him in a yellow sundress and douse him with makeup. Have Eva help. Make sure he leaves the high-heels at home; he's going to need to be able to run. Station him in the tunnel leading to the court and put him on standby. At the slightest sign of Artestation have Bu-den-HOL-zer give Beno the signal, which of course will be the sound an owl makes. Immediately after receiving the signal Beno is to prance out onto the court while screaming like a pre-pubescent girl. Have him work on his prance in advance. It needs to be dainty but not whorish. Don't let Eva help with that. If all goes well Artest will be attracted to the sounds of distress. His Tru Warier will emerge and animal instincts will take over. He will ascertain that Beno is the weak one in the pack and go in for the kill. This should give Manu ample time to escape.

C) If Operation Cannon Fodder is a failure and Manu finds himself cornered by Artest he should wave his arms, scream and try to "make himself big." This apparently works against bears but has yet to be tested on Tru Wariers in the wild. Lab testing has been inconclusive.

Jason Terry's inevitable suspension is an unfortunate situation for the NBA. They simply had no choice in the matter; the wording is clear regarding players throwing a punch. And the replay is irrefutable evidence that shows Terry clearing punching Michael Finley in his naughty parts.

But there's a difference between a premeditated punch (going after a guy with the purpose of clocking him) and a spur of the moment jab that occurs after a guy sort of sits on your head. And this difference is exactly why the NBA has written a clear cut rule that is not open to interpretation. Stern doesn't want Stu Jackson to have the responsibility of judging intent and factoring provocation. Because then every single suspension ruling effects subsequent cases. If Jackson would have been allowed to interpret Terry's actions and decide it was more of a simple reaction than a vicious act, and use that as reasoning for only fining him in lieu of suspension, all hell would eventually break loose. Five years from now something similar yet different would happen, and you would have some team arguing "In the 2006 case Jason Terry vs. The Spurs you didn't suspend the defendant citing lack of malicious intent. Well, your honor, my client Reggie Evans swears he thought that Tony Parker, being French and all, would derive much joy from the double-knuckled dual titty-twister that occurred during last night's game."

See, nobody wants to see that. So Stern has intentionally tied the NBA's hands, removing all leeway and possibility for argument and discourse, which is a genius idea given the general intelligence level of NBA players and management.