Why We Shouldn't Watch the Spurs

This was an April Fool's joke.

* * *

I realized it yesterday while the game was going on.

As I was sitting, sprawled up in the couch, I scratched my belly, and my toes tingled as the deep satisfaction tingled my nerves, providing much more excitement than I could ever receive from the Spurs. I wasn't actually watching the game; my mind was wandering to different things: what Paul George's feet would smell like, how the sweat from from his impeccable hairline would taste, and most of all, how I could get him to order me around. There's just something about him that intrigued me. But that wasn't the problem here.

The Spurs are boring-agonizingly so. How each player moves around, creating space for the offense is stupid. Frankly, I would rather have them stand around looking like statues so that I could I understand what the hell is going on the court. Getting open basket after open basket is stupid. How am I supposed to enjoy something that I can't understand? And there's no difficulty whatsoever in shooting a dumb layup. Why don't they dunk the ball and display some sort of needless primal aggression? It doesn't make any sense to me.

I would rather have someone chuck up contested three-pointers and make one out of every twenty shots. I mean, at least I get to see that on Sports Center. By constantly looking for that, I can finally fit in with my friends, people who actually know something about basketball. They probably watch ten times as much ESPN as I do. Of course they know more about about basketball than me!

No one on the Spurs even has a cool nickname. "Mr. Fundamental"? Really? My dog Dawg has a better name than that. I would much rather hear about people with better nicknames. A recent MIT study released shows the correlation between cool nicknames and success: as the swag value of the nickname increases, success exponentially deteriorates at a rate comparable to the inverse value of one's success when the Sun is aligned with the black hole in the third universe. Obviously, that proves that cool nicknames are important, and there's a glaring lack of that with the Spurs.

I'm sharing my feelings with you guys because I think that you guys will see the light too. Pounding the Rock is ready for a big change. There's no need for a blog about the boring Spurs anymore. We need to be writing about more important stuff. There's this really good book called Fifty Shades of Grey that I heard about from my schoolteachers. Apparently, it's really interesting and has a lot of intriguing themes. We should make this site dedicated to it. The layout of the site is ready-all grey and stuff. I've already thought of a new name for the blog, and it still incorporates the idea of hitting a rock and knowing that it's not the final hit that did broke it, but all the ones before: BDSM Fanclub.

This is fan-created content on The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff at Pounding the Rock.

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