Who would actually go on the NBA Mt. Rushmore

Many moons ago, NBA writers and talking heads spent hours talking about who would be on their Mt. Rushmore. Unfortunately, this always devolved into a Top-4 players debate, and they were always wrong. Here are the players who should be on an NBA Mt. Rushmore.

Bill Russell

Bill Russell is the George Washington of Mt. Rushmore. George Washington was the first president, like how Bill Russell was the first superstar. He may have played in a league where being able to dribble with both hands made you better than 50% of the league, but he was still the most dominant player of the era. In addition, like how Washington established the two-term tradition before retiring, Russell established the NBA tradition of pissing off the fanbase (by selling his retirement story to Sports Illustrated) and losing large amounts of money in bad investments and back taxes.

Fun Fact: Uncle Drew is actually Bill Russell disguised as Kyrie Irving disguised as Uncle Drew.

Wilt Chamberlain

Wilt Chamberlain is the Thomas Jefferson of Mt. Rushmore. Thomas Jefferson was one of the founding fathers of America, and is known for being one of the writers of the Declaration of Independence. Much like Jefferson, Chamberlain is known for his 100 point game and insane statistics. Moreover, like Jefferson he is constantly overshadowed by his predecessor, Bill Russell. He could never beat the Celtics or match Russell's number of rings. While Jefferson was driven into despair by Washington and fathered illegitimate children with his slave mistress, Chamberlain was driven into despair and attempted to get one over Russell sexually by claiming to have had sex with 20,000 women. Unfortunately, this backfired on him, with many journalists calling him out for performing a physically impossible task. However, there is still hope that Chamberlain can be proven correct. Like how Thomas Jefferson was proven to have fathered children with his slave through DNA testing, Chamberlain can be proven correct by DNA testing all the children in America.

Michael Jordan

Like how Abraham Lincoln changed the course of history by freeing the slaves, Michael Jordan changed the NBA game by causing it to become more perimeter oriented. Jordan was also known as a great orator, whether it was describing his opponent's wives in great detail while on the court or trashing everyone he knew in his Hall of Fame speech. Fortunately for Michael, he frequented casinos instead of movie theaters.


Teddy Roosevelt was a good but not great president. He was not a top 4 president, and not deserving of being on Mt. Rushmore. However, he did shoot and kill the first Mt. Rushmore sculptor when the sculptor refused to include Roosevelt (Not really, unless he came back as a zombie). Teddy Roosevelt was known more as a common man, a hero of the people. He worked tirelessly to uplift the regular people, and was spoken of as a legend. He was a man who refused to kill a bear because it was defenseless, leading to the creation of the teddy bear. He was not a man, but a myth. Therefore, there is only one player who really fits the "Teddy Roosevelt" role and belongs on Mt. Rushmore.


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