PtR's 4th-Annual Academy Awards Photoshop Preview

Welcome to my nightmares, as I plug Spurs players into some of this year's Oscar-nominated films. The results will amaze, appall, and deeply weird you out.

Unlike in previous years, I gave up pretty early on trying to match up our guys with all of the Best Picture nominees. Philomena? Sorry, couldn't make that work. Dallas Buyers Club? Just assume it's got DeJuan Blair in there. So I broke with tradition and expanded the field: if it was nominated, it counts.

That's enough preamble. I know what you're here to see. Let's get started.

01_banks

EXT. DISNEYLAND

Walt Disney is giving Mrs. Travers the grand tour. She is entirely unimpressed.

WALT

And here's one of my favorite sections, "Dunksberg! We just dunk the ball all day. It's enormous fun. The Children love it.

TRAVERS

Dunking? No thank you.

WALT

Why don't you come give it a try? It's literally my favorite thing in the park.

TRAVERS

I'll pass. I have...bad memories.

Travers gets the Thousand-Yard Stare of Impending Flashback...

02_hobbit

EXT. MISTY MOUNTAINS

Thorin warily approaches Bilbo.

THORIN

There's something different about you, burglar. You're even quicker than before and scoring in buckets. Almost like you've found some magical artifact.

BILBO

Nah, I just lost some weight. It has nothing to do with this ring I stole and am keeping secretly.

THORIN

All right. But you better not be lying to me. I could tear your arms off with my bear hands.

Pan down to reveal that Thorin does, in fact have bear hands.

BILBO

Crikey!

03_inside_ld

INT. SPURS PRACTICE FACILITY

Coach Pop, smirking, tosses Nando a basketball.

POP

Show me something. Something from...inside Nando de Colo.

Nando looks at the ground and flushes a dozen shades of awkward, but slowly nods.

NANDO

All right.

He runs the length of the floor, gives the impression he's going to do something cool, but settles for a layup. He expectantly turns to look at Pop.

POP

I don't see money here.

04_her

INT. MATTHEW’S BEDROOM

Matthew lies in bed, unable to sleep. He starts a conversation with his operating system, Samantha, via earpiece.

MATTHEW

So what’s your favorite kind of sandwich?

SAMANTHA

I’ve never had one! But I’d like to. Maybe a Chicken Parmesan.

MATTHEW

That’s a poor choice. It’s like you don’t know me at all. Or have seen my YouTube videos.

SAMANTHA

I’m sorry, Matthew. I’ll go watch them right now.

(beat)

I just watched them all.

MATTHEW

Did you know I hang out with Win Butler from the Arcade Fire? They did the soundtrack for this movie.

SAMANTHA

You’re a weird person.

05_gravity

EXT. SPACE

Dr. Diaw is nearly out of options. He slowly climbs toward the hatch of the space station.

MISSION CONTROL

After ingress, you’re going to have to make your way to the emergency pod and follow the instructions there.

DIAW

Roger that.

But once he enters the station, it starts to rumble. Then its orbit begins to deteriorate.

DIAW

Houston, I’m seeing atmospheric warnings...I’m dropping!

MISSION CONTROL

Uh, we were not expecting that. The weight was supposed to be right. Did you sneak an extra ration or two before today’s operation?

Dr. Diaw is silent.

06_hustle

INT. HOTEL ROOM

Green and Belinelli sit with Cory Polito, the fresh-faced point guard. A black suitcase sits on the table, un-commented on.

BELINELLI

Danny and I have an idea, and we think you’re the kid to make it happen. We want to see you really take over the offense. Call more isolation plays for all three of us. Here, take this suitcase. It’s a gift.

CORY

Woah! Man, I don’t know about that...I want to do anything I can for the team, but there are rules I just can’t break. There’s a system. Don’t you hand me anything.

GREEN

Hang on, hang on. Sorry, my friend Marco came on a little strong. No one wants you to get in trouble. But if you’re open for a long two, you take the shot. You just gotta take it. This is about your legacy. Our legacy.

CORY

…...All right.

Belinelli looks over at a nearby plant, housing a hidden camera, and winks. Green rolls his eyes.

07_wolf

INT. KAWHI’S LIVING ROOM

KAWHI (to camera)

The world was my oyster. I could have anything I wanted. People loved me. I spawned countless internet memes. TV commercials.

Quick Montage: Kawhi’s H-E-B ads; Kawhisenberg signs, Kawhi bobbleheads, Kawhi being awesome everywhere.

KAWHI

But, as I came to learn, I don’t need any of that stuff. You know who calls me The Wolf?

Reveal: Kawhi is on his couch, playing Call of Duty.

KAWHI

These losers. (makes gun sounds) Blam! Indubitably.

08_gatsby

EXT: GATSBY MANSION

A wild party is in full swing. Dancers, DJs, people throwing themselves into swimming pools -- it's glorious excess.  A smoothly confident Gatsby glides through the crowd. People murmur his name in awe as he passes. "Enjoying yourself, old sport?" he asks more than one partygoer.

Suddenly, Gatsby stops cold. He stares across the yard. His yard.

GATSBY

Now who let Mr. Brown in here? And Mr. Drake? Please have them removed, thank you.

He turns to walk away, but is swarmed a group of young socialites. He charmingly deflects them.

GATSBY

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go gaze at my European Player of the Year trophy. That’s what they named me. Player of the Year. Player.

He winks lasciviously.

09_slave

EXT. AT&T CENTER PARKING LOT

"Gino," as he is called, confronts Coach Pop.

GINO

12 years. 12 years, I have played a supporting role. Bled for you, and for this team. Won Sixth Man awards for this team.

POP

You are an exceptional player, Gino.

GINO

Will you not release me from this bench? Free to run with the starting lineup? Have I not proved my worth?

POP

Everyone has their place. I thought you had already learned yours.

GINO

I will not fall into despair yet. But I have been waiting, and I will continue to wait until freedom is opportune.

POP

ALL RIGHT, FINE. Just get us off this uncomfortable slavery comparison, will ya?

10_captain

INT. MAERSK SAN ANTONIO, BRIDGE

Machine gun-toting thugs in blue uniforms have taken over the ship!  Captain Duncan calmly puts his hands up as one of the pirates, the skinny Durant, comes straight over to him.

DURANT

Look at me. Look at me.

DUNCAN

I am looking at you.

DURANT

I’m the GOATPUFF now.

DUNCAN

Now, I’m sure we can work this out. You want a trade? You want draft picks? Cash considerations?

DURANT

This is my league. If you want to stay relevant, you do what I say.

Duncan starts to smile, then break out in a huge belly laugh. Durant is confused. At that moment, Baynes breaks through a wall and tears the pirates' arms off.

11_nebraska

EXT: UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

Pop is slowly trudging along the highway. He has the slow, unsettled walk of a lifelong drinker. Before long, a car pulls alongside him. It’s his assistant coach, Ime Udoka.

IME

Where are you going, Pop?

POP

None of your business.

IME

Okay.

He drives on.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

CREDITS:

Saving Mr. Banks: Jeff Ayres as Walt Disney, Tiago Splitter as P.L. Travers

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: Patty Mills as Bilbo Baggins, Aron Baynes as Thorin Oakenshield

Inside Llewyn Davis: Nando de Colo as Llewyn Davis

Her: Matt Bonner as Theodore Twombly

Gravity: Boris Diaw as Dr. Stone

American Hustle: Marco Belinelli as Richie Dimaso, Cory Joseph as Carmine Polito, Danny Green as Irving Rosenfeld

The Wolf of Wall Street: Kawhi Leonard as Jordan Belfort

The Great Gatsby: Tony Parker as Gatsby

12 Years a Slave: Manu Ginobili as NOT SOLOMON NORTHUP

Captain Phillips: Tim Duncan as Captain Phillips

Nebraska: Gregg Popovich as Woody Grant

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