Spur Wars - Round III: JabBo's Palace

It's time for the next round of the Playoffs, which means that the staff of Pounding the Rock, in the spirit of the very first Epic Preview, continues the story of Spur Wars by photoshopping players onto the bodies of famous fictional characters, letting the chips fall where they may. The first round's hope was successful, and the second round's return strike was avoided. Now it's on to the conference finals, where the Empire attacks our heroes with Grizzlies. May Lucas (and the big anthropomorphic mouse) have mercy on our Spurs.

A long time ago in a town far, far away...

Tony SkyParker has returned to his home planet of San Antooine in an attempt to rescue his friend Manu Solo, who was frozen in carbonite at the end of Round 2, from the clutches of the vile gangster, JabBo the Hutt. Little does Tony know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE has secretly begun construction on a new armored space station even more powerful than the dreaded Lake Star, which had been destroyed in Round 1. When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of Spurs struggling to restore freedom to the league...

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Tony SkyParker sends C3-Kleo and D2-B2 with a holographic message to JabBo the Hutt, requesting the release of Manu Solo. The grizzled criminal refuses, instead taking the droids captive and making them slaves on his floating FedEx Forum. That evening while entertaining, JabBo is captivated with the graceful ball playing of the slave point guard, Coola. However, when Coola refuses to share the ball with JabBo, he orders her to be thrown into the pit to be devoured by the Marcor beast.

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Suddenly, Princess Tia (disguised as a bounty hunter) arrives with "prisoner" Diawbacca to collect the long-standing bounty from when JabBo had originally put a price on Solo's head. JabBo sends Diawbacca below to the prisons.

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That night, still disguised, the bounty hunter releases Manu Solo from his carbonite coffin and then reveals himself to be Princess Tia. As Manu and Tia prepare to escape, they are caught by JabBo and his annoying minions.

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Both Manu Solo and Princess Tia are captured. Solo is sent to the prison cells where Diawbacca waits, while JabBo takes Leia to replace the recently devoured Coola. Tia is chained to the paint, forced to serve the hulking behemoth in a humiliating slave girl outfit.

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At dawn, Tony SkyParker arrives and uses a Spurs Knight mind trick to convince Bib Tayshauna to let him enter the Palace, which only serves to enrage his master, who spits out his mouthguard in consternation.

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Tony makes a single plea to JabBo for Solo's release, but JabBo rejects the offer. Tony uses the Zone to pull a nearby blaster into his hand, and tries to shoot the big man with a floater. During the skirmish, SkyParker falls into the Marcor pit as Salacious T Allen hurls insults down on him, and all those in attendance gather to watch the beast devour the enemy.

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SkyParker must face the Marcor alone, and even though he's initially caught in its humongous claw, he is able to avoid its massive maw, squirm out of the irresistible grasp and maneuver for an attack. Tony lures the Marcor under the entrance gate to the pit, which he triggers by heaving a one-hander, and crushes the creature. Yet SkyParker is unable to escape from the FedEx Palace.

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JabBo, furious with the destruction of the Most Fearsome Beast Of The Year, commands that Tony and the others be destroyed by the man-eating Sarlacc. Only Tia is not sentenced to death, for JabBo is entranced with her Sparkling personality.

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But before the rebels are thrown into the Pit of Mempkoon, D2-B2 launches something that arcs high, higher, ever higher into the air.

It's SkyParker's lightsaber! Tony retrieves his signature weapon and begins the liberation of his motley band.

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During the ensuing battle, Manu Solo, still blinded from the effects of carbonization, can't seem to shoot straight, yet finds a way to send Boba Steph careening down the pit to his apparent doom. Princess Tia, really upset about the bikini, strangles JabBo with the chain meant to enslave her. C3-Kleo and D2-B2 free themselves, jump off the ship and land in the San Antooine sand.

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SkyParker and McGradian mop up the remainder of JabBo's forces. Tony rescues Tia, aims a shot at the heart of JabBo's ship, and escapes before it explodes. The majority of the team departs San Antooine for the rendezvous point where the rest of the rebels are assembling. Tony and D2-B2 head back to SanAnbah to fulfill his earlier promise to YodaPop.

SkyParker and D2=B2 arrive to find the aged YodaPop at death's door. Tony has returned to complete his Spur training, but YodaPop declares no further training is required. All that remains is for Tony to confront the Dark Lord. With his last breath, the old coach reminds the poing guard that his power comes from the fundamentals of The Zone. As SkyParker leaves, the spirit of Obi-Tim appears to Tony and warns the Spur Knight to bury his feelings, for they could in time "serve the Emperor".

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Emperor Palpastern really, really hates the Small Market battle.

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Credits:

Story - CapHill and JRW (with no apologies to George Lucas)

Concepts - DrumsInTheDeep and JRW

Photoshop Images - Drums and Aaron Preine

Special thanks to Wiki and Wookieepedia

Disclaimer for the legal eagles: "Star Wars," the Star Wars logo, its characters and creations are the property of Lucasfilm and the Walt Disney Company. Purchase the original trilogy on Blu Ray!

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