What if the Spurs cared about alley-oops?

Soobum Im-USA TODAY Sports

The players wanted to be more exciting for the kids so they started an Alley Oop club. And we all know that rule number one of the club is you don't talk about the club.

Meeting Minutes from November 30th, 2013

Location: Media Cafeteria in the AT&T Center

Scheduled start time: After the Rockets game

Actual start time: After the Rockets game

Quorum: A quorum was declared based on the presence of all the Spurs players.

Agenda Item Number I: Security

Kawhi Leonard called the meeting to order and asked that Nando de Colo and Aron Baynes stand guard at the front door. Everyone knows that the last place Pop would ever venture is anywhere near the media cafeteria, but you can never be too sure so both were stationed at the door. To increase security, Kawhi insisted that Nando carry Baynes on his shoulders as the pair stood guard at the door, and the motion passed unanimously. Nando objected and asked why he couldn't ride on Baynes' shoulders instead, but the objection was overruled. Kawhi told Nando he was out of his element and he was expected do his job. Nando said he felt dizzy carrying a giant with granite slabs for shoulders. He was again overruled.

Agenda Item Number II: Recognize

Kawhi officially recognized Marco Belinelli, Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili and Jeff Ayres as the first official members of the club in 2013. He presented each with a black satin jacket adorned with a dragon sewn on the back and the words "Spurs Alley-Oop Club" stitched across the left breast in red. All Spurs rose and clapped backwards, a requirement laid out in the club bylaws.

Tim said his jacket was too small and tried to demonstrate that the sleeves of his jacket barely reached past his elbows but Kawhi overruled him. He told him that if made it to Level 3 (or Hunter's Apprentice) of the club, he could request a new jacket. For now though, this was his jacket and he is to wear it proudly. Tim agreed but pushed the sleeves up higher in an attempt to appear more comfortable and hip.

Agenda Item Number III: Tiago Splitter.

Tiago desperately wanted to be in the club so he was granted 3 minutes to plead his case. He deferred his minutes and instead presented this video evidence as proof that he's ready to join.

Tiago_fail_oop

His motion was promptly dismissed.

Agenda Item Number IV: Renaming the play.

Kawhi yielded the floor to Matt Bonner who said that he wanted to rename the play. His contention is that the words "Alley-Oop" remind him of a Dagwood sandwich and he gets hungry and thinks about simpler times. He had a few suggestions and promised he could make them go viral. He suggested calling the play a "Spurdoo" and discussed how much the Coyote could promote a Spurdoo. He asked everyone in the room to close their eyes and envision kids on the playgrounds in the Bronx or out on their lonely homemade baskets in Indiana doing the Spurdoo. It was difficult for those in attendance to imagine.

He then suggested the play be named a "Junk Dunk" because whenever you get that high and somebody passes you the ball and you slam it down everybody knows you've got the junk and then he did a weird WWE type X motion with his arms and some pelvic thrusts and everyone started laughing and cupping their hands over their mouths and jumping around and slamming into each other and Bonner turned red. He meekly sat and slowly, as if by instinct, did another X gesture with his arms before awkwardly shoving his hands in his pockets.

But Bonner's presentation was rudely interrupted when Nando asked if he could have some water because he couldn't really breathe and his legs hurt. Kawhi granted the motion to give Nando a cup of water but he had to share it with Baynes way up high on his shoulders. Neither could take a drink before confirming that Pop wasn't coming down the hall though, which they did.

Agenda Item Number V: Who else wants to join the club?

Kawhi, as is customary, then took time to read several chapters from Steinbeck's East of Eden aloud and somehow tied that story of struggle in Central California during the 1930's into a request for volunteers to join the Junk Dunk club. When he finished, most wiped tears from their eyes and looked around the room, hoping someone would volunteer. Splitter raised his hand, but was ignored.  He then stood on his chair and waved his arms wildly, but couldn't get anyone's attention.  He then began clucking like a chicken, but no one would look his way, so he sat back down dejectedly.

Boris Diaw was off in the corner, tossing softballs underhanded into a bucket with his good hand. The room turned their attention to him and asked why he's suddenly into practicing softball. Boris said that his CPA told him to prepare for life after the NBA so he wanted to be ready to dominate the softball leagues of San Antonio.

The group then asked if he was interested in joining their new Junk Dunk club. Tim even held up his jacket to show Boris the perks. Boris asked if he had to jump in order to join. Kawhi affirmed that this was the case. Boris declined, stating that wasn't his bag.

Agenda Item Number VI: Next meeting

Kawhi made a motion to adjourn the meeting and schedule the next meeting after a new member of the Spurs joined the club. Tony Parker objected, suggesting that the next meeting should be held after Manu completed a bounce pass Junk Dunk to Matt Bonner. Tony's motion passed and everyone was happy.

And then suddenly Pop walked into the room, stepping over Nando and Baynes who had fallen to the floor in a pile of exhaustion and embarrassment. Pop said they should all go eat pasta. He told Tim to take that ridiculous jacket off and asked what happened to Nando and Baynes.

Honoring club rules, no one said a word.

Tim_alley-oop_part_2

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