The offseason is on its last days. And thank goodness. There are only a finite amount of movies where vintage JCVD totally clobbers the s*** out some poor sap whose name escapes me (and really doesn’t matter anyways). Since there is nothing else to do, I decided then to spy on various teams that look to be a
threat road block in the way of the Spurs having the first ever perfect record. Jump for an exclusive look at the OKC Thunder during the offseason.
The Wormy Dog Saloon
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Perry: This place is banging dude.
James: Yeah but to be honest I get the idea that all these women are not interested in us.
James: See what I’m saying?
Perry: You have a point, let me call those guys up so things can really start moving.
James: Call?! Are you crazy man? Those guys only respond to tweets. Can you hit them up on twitter?
Perry: Oh um well there’s this one problem…
James: Oh I forgot that your salary consists of 5 dollars a year until you prove that you can contribute to the team. So there is no way you can afford a smart phone.
Perry: Yeah f***ing small market teams man. My phone is from 1989. (Pulls out the same cellular phone that Gordon Gekko used in the original Wall Street.)
James: (Laughs) Alright bro give me a moment.
(James types in a tweet to @russwest44 and @KDTrey5. In five seconds, a portal opens up right next to the bar as things get real sci-fi like.)
ENTER Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant.
Kevin: What’s up guys?
Perry: What’s up Kevin and Russell?
Russell: Huh when did Kenneth Faried join our team?
Perry: Huh I don’t look anything like…. nevermind. Let’s get drunk!
Random Hussies: Yay let’s get totally drunk!
Kevin: Cool (Kevin goes up to the bar and orders a round of chocolate milk.)
(Perry looks at James with a very quizzical look, and James makes a gesture indicating that he will explain later.)
Random Hussy: That is a really cool outfit you are wearing Russ are those um giraffes on your suspenders?
Russell: Yes they are! No one seems to notice that kind of stuff! What’s your name?
Russell: Oh no seems like Kevin is not enjoying himself as much as I am.
(Kevin is looking very depressed and is blowing bubbles in his chocolate milk.)
Laura: Maybe he doesn’t like this bar. To be honest this spot is a little played out.
Russell: Exactly we should go to Chucky Chesses!
Laura: What the …. That’s not what I …..
(Kevin stops blowing bubbles in his chocolate milk and looks up very brightly.)
Kevin: Let’s go to Chucky Cheeses!
Russell: Are you coming James and Kenneth?
Perry: My name is not….
James: Nah man we just got back from the arcade so we are out of quarters. You know how it is. But you three have fun.
EXIT Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and a very confused Laura
Perry: What the f***k?
James: Don’t worry this happens every week man. Welcome to the Oklahoma City Thunder.
(They proceed to drink and dance for hours like proper adults in their prime.)
Chucky Cheeses on the Northwest Expressway
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Kevin: Man Mr. Bunch is killing it tonight.
Laura: Are you guys serious?
Russell: Yeah well I like Jasper Jowels most myself but they are all banging.
Larua: You two are out of your f**king minds! You do know they are f****king animatronic robots. These things became lame back in the nineteen motherf**king eighties!
Security Guards arrive and politely tell Laura to leave the premises for cussing. She happily obliges.
(Kevin and Russell are so transfixed on the stage that they did not notice Laura’s exit)
Kevin: Man it would be so awesome to be in the house band.
Russell: Tell me about it bro. I would give anything to play on the same stage as these legends.
A strange black and silver smoke forms a circle and a cloaked figure manifests amidst the smoke.
ENTER Bruce Bowen
Bruce: Good evening Kevin and Russell. I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. Did you say you would give anything to be a member of the Chucky Cheese band?
Kevin: Yeah Bruce B. that is what we said. By the way, nice pencil thin mustache and top hat.
Bruce: Thank you (represses a sneer) so what if I had an um ability to make your wish come true.
Russ: Nice man.
Kevin: Yeah wow that would be nice. Would you like some Yoo-hoo?
Bruce: I am good, so sign this contract, and poof you will be a member of the Chucky Cheese um house band.
Kevin and Russell look really excited and start dancing in an incredibly goofy manner.
Russell: Oh man can I play the guitar?
Bruce: No problem. (Bruce claps his hands)
EXIT Jasper T. Jowels
Kevin: No disrespect to Chuck E. Cheese himself but can I sing lead vocals?
Bruce: It will be a difficult task but I am sure you are up to it. (Bruce claps his hands again)
EXIT Chuck E. Cheese
Bruce: Now all you gotta do is sign and your wish will come true.
(Kevin and Russell sign the contract and run to the stage. Russell grabs the guitar and starts wailing away, while Kevin starts to sing. Little do they know that wires are creeping up their legs as they become a permanent fixture to the restaurant. Patrons to the restaurant do not notice that the creepy mechanical puppets are actually the former stars of the Thunder. But the adult patrons do have an inexplicable urge to talk about “the Thunder’s good days” before Durant and Westbrook suddenly disappeared.)
Bruce: My work here is done. (Laughs in a way remniscent of a James Bond villain and disappears in a cloud of silver and black smoke.)
EXIT Bruce Bowen