The offseason is on its last days. And thank goodness. There are only a finite amount of movies where vintage JCVD totally clobbers the s*** out some poor sap whose name escapes me (and really doesn’t matter anyways). Since there is nothing else to do, I decided then to spy on various teams that look to be a
threat road block in the way of the Spurs having the first ever perfect record. Jump for an exclusive look at the L.A. Clippers during the offseason.
The scene takes place at an Applebees on 10th street in Palmdale, California.
Cast: Caron Butler
Lamar: Man I like these practices. Much better than what I had to previously endure.
Caron: Practice? You call that a practice? All we did was run around with our hands tied as Prince Paul passed “lobs” to Duke Griffin. It is not right that they are the only ones that have the ability to us their hands during practice.
Lamar: Perhaps but we didn’t have to do anything!
Caron: That is the problem! The only people who are going to be prepared for the season are Prince Paul and Duke Griffin!
Lamar: Oh I see your point. (Looks about in a guilty manner)
Grant: The problem is not our level of preparation. The problem is our lack of guidance.
Lamar: Well isn’t that why they hired you Sir Hill?
Grant: Aye kind sir, yes and no. See I am not the one who designs the plays. That job belongs to our leader King Vinny of Negro. And when it comes to designing plays, well… excuse me for my lack of confidence in the man who is supposed to be our coach.
Caron: Are you talking of treason Sir Hill?
Grant: Talk? Aye unfortunately that is all it is. For we are chained to our doomed franchise by our own attraction to fame and fortune.
Caron: That we are. But action can be done to ensure that we win the championship.
Lamar: What kind of action are ye talking about? For my thirst of gold is unquenchable. ( Hunches over, and rubs hands together as if he is a certain character from The Lord of the Rings.)
Grant: Aye he is talking about, oh what is the phrase? “Taking the matters into our own hands.”
Lamar: You are saying we should not listen to King Vinny of Negro?
Caron: For that is exactly what I am saying just play our game as if his tongue hath been severed.
Grant: Enough of this treasonous talk. For our kinsman approaches and unfortunately his tongue hath not been severed.
ENTER Matt Barnes who is clearly intoxicated.
Matt: What’s up mother f***ers!? (Looks around) Man this place is more busted than Sir Hill’s wife. Let’s get out of here and look for some b***hes!
Grant: Ah Matt while you are young at heart, perhaps you should take this time for rest. Battle approaches soon enough.
Matt: F**k that you old son of a b***h. I got one million and nine hundred thousand reasons why I should not listen to you, and get totally hammered. (Buys a bottle of Whiskey from the barkeep and downs a sizable portion.)
Matt: What I wanted to say is that King Vinny of Negro is a bad f***ing coach!
(Caron and Lamar look at each other suspiciously; Grant meets their gaze and gives them a reassuring nod. Silently saying “I got this” )
Grant: If we were to agree in your assessment of King Vinny of Negro, what actions do you suggest we take in order to remedy our team of this affliction?
Matt: Actions? What other actions are there? Let’s kill the incompetent mother f***er!
(Caron and Lamar’s eyes indicate much shock, but Grant’s eyes are calm as ever.)
Grant: Unfortunately I fear that our vulgar friend poses a necessary course of action.
Caron: Yeah but even if we wanted to kill King Vinny of Negro, how could we? And let us not forgot about Prince Paul and Duke Griffin. They would never allow for such a mutinous deed to take place.
Grant: It is a perilous course. For this we need the guidance of Sir Big Shot.
(Grant picks up his phone and types a message)
ENTER A cloaked Chauncey Billups
Grant: Sir Big Shot thank you for answering my summons.
(Chauncey removes his cowl revealing such a shiny head that it temporary blinds the three men. Caron and Grant give a bow to Chauncey, while Lamar seems stunned and unable to move.)
Chauncey: No bother, I heard you need my assistance in a matter of delicacy.
Caron: Yes that be exactly what we require of you.
Chauncey: Then have no fear for I devised a flawless plan after my first meeting with that so called coach.
Lamar: And it doesn’t involve Prince Paul or Duke Griffin?
Chancey: No it only involves Trey Thompkins.
(The three men exchanged very puzzled glances)
Grant: Who is Trey Thompkins?
Chanucey: (sneers) Exactly.
The scene takes place at a TGI Friday’s on Florence Avenue, Bellvue California.
Cast: Matt Barnes
Caron: Man…. and the plan was going so well.
(Chauncey orders five glasses of whiskey, distributing three and leaving two on the bar)
Chauncey: Here is to a new era and our two fallen comrades.
(They clink glasses)
Matt: That old mother f***er is crazy. How could someone who practically lives in a nursing home just snap like that? I didn’t even know you could do that with a piece of chalk!
Chauncey: (Looks gloomy) I guess it is true what they say “still waters run deep”. Sir Hill will undoubtedly be imprisoned for some time. It is a pity Lamar and young Trey had to give their lives for the cause. But at least the king is dead.
Matt and Caron: True that.