FanPost

The 2012 Offseason in an Alternate Dimension

The Spurs had a great season this year. No f*** that, it was a fantastic season. The team went on a rampage late in the season and at one point a championship seemed like an inevitably. They were two wins from making the Finals. On top of that they have several players who only look to improve next year. Compare that to teams like the Wizards and the Mavericks, and we are indeed lucky. But of course the Spurs didn’t win it all. Whenever a team doesn’t win it all, the media begins trade speculations. Cue all kinds of columns about "what should the Spurs do next year?" The Spurs showed that they could in fact bleed, and so the sharks begin their circling. However the acronym is not TMATFO (The Media and The Front Office). And the Spur’s faithful know that the front office will make calm and measured decisions for the future. The general consensus from what it is being said in PtR threads is that a few role players might be traded (cough Anderson cough) and that is about it. In fact even if nothing happens and all these players are resigned, this team plus a full training camp is going to be awesome next year. We know that and of course PATFO knows that. But not everybody knows that. So what if in some alternate reality David Stern decided that our front office was unfairly clever and he mandated that someone else take their place? Well, prepare to enter the Spur’s 2012 offseason in five alternate realities:

MCATFO( Mark Cuban and the Front Office)

Summary: Everyone but Manu Ginobili is gone.

Details:

Even when his team wins it all, everyone but the franchise player and a random towel boy gets the boot. So what would happen if Marky Mark (no one calls him that) was in charge? Timmy refuses to work for Mr. Crazypants so he retires. He and Pop enjoy the rest of the year swimming somewhere in the Virgin Islands. That leaves MCATFO with a choice. Which player do they keep? Obviously TP is awesome, but he is a point guard therefore he is expendable. So Manu is the "winner". MCATFO trade everybody else for Dwight Howard. However on the flight over Dwight realizes that he doesn’t want to play basketball anymore, and instead becomes a standup comedian. So MCATFO signs a bunch of cagey veterans and commence the season with all tanks on deck. However "tanking" and Manu do not mix. So Manu and a bunch of scrubs somehow win the west. On the other hand the new look Orlando Magic dominate the east. The two teams meet in the NBA finals and it goes to seven games. It is game seven with thirty seconds left and Orlando is up by one point. Manu has a pretty good chance to hit a three pointer but instead he sees Tony Parker wide friggen open and passes to him. Manu celebrates for a full day before he realizes that Tony has been on a different team for seven months.

ITATFO (Isaiah Thomas and the Front Office)

Summary: Isaiah Thomas

Details:

What could be worse than Mark Cuban owning the Spurs? How about Isaiah "Rome is Burning, so I will Throw Volatile Chemicals on the Flames" Thomas. He makes a series of "wtf" moves. First he trades Tony Parker for Anthony Parker. He warrants this by saying "that Frenchie is still young and has a lot of potential so he is obviously a good fit for us." When confronted with the fact that Anthony Parker is in fact 36 and from Naperville, Illinois it becomes obvious that Isaiah confused the two players. ITATFO’s next move is to trade Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobili to Philadelphia for Steve Francis. When confronted with the fact that Steve Francis is retired and in fact has never played for the 76ers it becomes obvious that Isaiah Thomas hasn’t watched a basketball game since 2007. The Spurs trade all of their draft picks until the 2031 draft for a new pretzel stand.

TMATFO ( Tony Montana And The Front Office)

Summary: "Say Hello to My Little Friend"

Details: Poor Tony doesn’t know how he got here. I mean one minute it was 1983 and Gina was real pissed about something. Now he is in San Antonio and in charge of a professional basketball team. So he does what he can. He hires one of his cigarette boat captains as head coach. Because if you can move a ton of Colombian gold past the U.S. Coast Guard than you can helm an NBA team. He keeps all the players because he is too preoccupied with his other business to make any moves. The exception here is Matt Bonner. Poor Matty B. learned what a grenade launcher can do after he missed a three pointer in practice. Bonner was replaced by Alberto Colon (A seven time convicted murderer.) During Alberto’s first NBA game, he killed a man. But that man was Joey Crawford so people just turned a blind eye. The Spurs win the 2013 NBA Championship primarily because Joey Crawford was not officiating any games during the playoffs.

MSATFO ( Michael Sorrentino and the Front Office.)

Summary: F***

Details: Michael " The Situation" Sorrentino is not a basketball mind. Heck to call him that would be an insult to basketball and minds. But he is someone who likes to party. Particularly he is someone who likes to party in New Jersey. The Garden State lost their only pro hoops team to Brooklyn this year. The Situation will remedy this um situation by moving the Spurs to Seaside Heights New Jersey. The team will play in a brand new arena that suspiciously looks like a giant night club. Of course this takes a lot of cash, and Mr. Sorrentino is not exactly financially wise. So what he does is trade all the players to the first bidder. (Not the highest bidder) Nevertheless the Spurs manage to obtain enough cash to build the new arena. However MSATFO do not have enough money to pay anybody to play there. So the new look Seaside Heights Spurs are composed of junior varsity players from the Manasquan High School Big Blue Warriors.They somehow avoid going 0-82 by beating the Miami Heat.

OWKATFO (Obi Wan Kenobi and the Front Office.)

Summary: The Force + The Big Three = Trophy

Details: A lot has been said about the evil empireness of The Miami Heat. It doesn’t help matters that Miami’s uniform is now pitch black, and that Pat Riley physically resembles Emperor Palpatine. So in order to restore balance to the force, the Jedi council ordered Obi Wan Kenobi to help the Spurs. Of course the big three don’t need much training. Tim Duncan’s midi-chlorian count alone is off the charts. Obi Wan focuses on players like Danny Green who needs help with consistency, and Stephen Jackson who needs to not turn towards the dark side of the force. Obi Wan does trade Tiago Splitter for a Wookie. Interestingly enough no one notices for three weeks. And more interestingly the Wookie becomes the league leader in rebounds, and "number of arms ripped off". The Spurs go through the 2013 NBA playoffs with ease until they go against the Sith led Miami Heat. This turns out to be a six episode epic. In which the Spurs win. For some reason the last three games are played first and those games were way much better than the first three games. In the summer of 2013 these games are all re shown in 3D. Some people go to the theater, but most people just want to watch new games.

This is fan-created content on PoundingtheRock.com. The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff at Pounding the Rock.

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