A National Media Spurs-Analysis Template:

It's become so expected of the national media to neglect the Spurs that I thought I would put down a universal template for all national organizations to use when discussing the league. That way no one gets confused and starts saying things like the Spurs will lose it all because the Oklahoma City Thunder swept their opponent in the first round. Swap the Dallas Mavericks with an opponent from women's tennis and that statement would be just as logical. I'm here to help.

I'll do the show prep, your prompter readouts even--just copy and paste, copy and pasters.

Spurs have a game tonight and here are our thoughts: "The Spurs are just old. Like don't corpses play for the Spurs right now?" and then laugh that fake laugh you save only for your great uncle's jokes. "Is this AMC's The Walking Dead? Where's Deputy Rick to shoot us down some zombies and then ruminate about leadership for 45 minutes, yikes! I mean Duncan is what, 36? He is the MVP of the ARP and I don't like him because he does not beat his chest and bark at people, nor does he play in a market where I'd like to get a job so I'll just keep spouting nonsense until that little magical red light goes dark above the words that I'm supposed to read and nod approvingly to when read by others."

Work in "Remember last year?" a bafazillion times to the power of aw crap did he really just say that again?

Also, repeat the following as often as you are pointed to by other men in suits: "Tony Parker should be in the conversation of the MVP race." (Because this means nothing). Don't ever actually say Tony Parker should be MVP. (It helps you look like you realize great basketball when you see it without committing to an actual opinion.) "Tony Parker should be in the conversation."; "Pork Rinds should be in the conversation."; "My doctor should be in the conversation because my right eyelid rolls upward like old timey-window blind." None of this makes any sense but just keep saying it because others do the same. It is now a part of the template.

The last part of the template is the easiest. Just say nothing at all. That way, when the Spurs get to the NBA Finals, it will be sort of creepy. It'll be like a family member who just got out of prison, and then they show up to the toddler's birthday and everyone's like, did he have Facebook in prison? How did he even know how to be here today? And that will be fun too.

Enjoy. I only charge your soul.