NBA Survivor Series: Lakers/Nuggets and Sixers/Bulls Terminate

The Ultimate Playoffs (of Ultimate Destiny)

Here is the next step in the saga as the first round comes to an end. With each passing contest, we draw closer to the claiming of the final prize, and the casualties continue to mount as the strong crush the weak.

Here is the backstory, for those who missed the introduction to the first battles, the resolution of Heat/Knicks & Pacers/Magic, the conclusion of Thunder/Mavericks &Spurs/Jazz.

Survivor Series ground rules: I chose a different group from literature, cinema or pop culture for every playoff team, based on the qualities inherent to that team, and now I'm bending genres to create a single, unified story woven together from these fictitious groups battling it out at the same time the NBA teams they mirror are competing. The playoff results will dictate the plot of each story, and I'll continue this until the champion is crowned, and the characters representing that team will be the last to survive.

Today's characters are:

Philadelphia 76ers = The Scooby-Doo Gang

The machine that got them this far is something of a mystery. These meddling kids have somehow discovered a secret entrance to the Playoffs, but what will happen if that scary monster isn't just Old Man Withers in a rubber mask?

VERSUS

Chicago Bulls = 300 Spartans

The strength of the team is not the individual soldier, but the discipline of the whole. They can survive anything - even the loss of key players - if they keep their shields locked together ... but if you can shake apart that wall, what remains will crumble.

IN THE SECOND INSTALLMENT OF...

Those Meddling Spartans

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Slowly, deliberately, Leonidas approached the five cowering figures. There had been no battle - the contest had been decided before it had begun. The king of Sparta drew back the arm that held his spear ... then paused. Instead of striking, he weighed the weapon in his hand.

"Do you know what this is?" the mighty warrior asked his quivering prey. "You! Speak!"

The gangly hobo in the green shirt whimpered, arms raised to shield his face. "Like ... like, I don't know, man. A spear?"

"Wrong," thundered the bearded patriarch. "This ... is a Spartan spear!"

A cheer burst from the soldiers, whose own spears formed a serried ring around their captives. The hippie stereotype promptly swooned, and the blond in the ascot appeared close to following suit. The redhead stared blankly into the middle distance, while the bespectacled brunette stroked the jowls of the monstrous Great Dane. "Psst. Shaggy," she whispered. "You carrying? I think Scooby is starting to come down."

"A Spartan spear!" Leonidas brandished it triumphantly. "And what is a Spartan spear?"

The soldiers responded on cue. "Balanced!"

"It is balanced," declared the king, "like a society that treats agriculture, commerce, and anything else other than dying in battle with abject contempt!"

"Strong!" yelled the soldiers.

"It is strong," the king continued, "like a population of only a few thousand that is too consumed with its own purity to interbreed with outsiders, and which coincidentally has a special cliff just for punting mutant babies!"

"Straight!" yelled the soldiers.

"It is straight," bellowed the king, "like three hundred guys in leather hot pants who split their time between doing crunches and obsessing about their masculinity!"

As Leonidas spoke, the brunette rifled frantically through the pockets of the unconscious hippie. The Great Dane had begun to twitch, and now sat abruptly upright. "Shcooby shnacks?" it asked.

"There is no spear like a Spartan spear!" concluded the king. "There is no weapon to match it! It has killed princes! It has slain gods! You, craven worms that you are, are hardly worthy of so fine a death! But see, how Sparta is generous! Prepare to receive this incomparable shaft!"

The redhead glared sidelong at the blond prisoner, who bristled with indignation. "What? I didn't say anything!" Then the brunette interrupted the spat, whispering something that caused the others to glance hurriedly at their canine companion. Then, in unison, they flung themselves to the ground just as the Great Dane - its eyes now wide and dilated, thick ropes of slaver dripping from its maw - stood erect on its hind legs. It stared madly into the face of Leonidas.

"Shcooby shnacks," it said.

What happened over the next few minutes convinced the forthcoming generation of Spartans to become vegetarian pacifists, and inspired the thrash-metal hit ‘Blood Sausage in a Lawn Mower'.

The green-shirted scruff regained consciousness just as the last of the screams ended in a moist gurgle. "Like, what happened?" His faithful hound-demon, evidently pacified, trotted over and dropped a present in his lap. "I was having, like, the craziest dream. We were looking for this trophy, and then we were in East Lansing, and ... is this a kneecap?"

... to be continued

* * *

The Los Angeles Lakers as The Corleone Family

The old Don used to run this town. Now, people say that the family has lost its guts, and that the Corleones are not the force they once were. It's not personal, it's just business ... but it's personal. Also, this allows everyone to make all the "put a hit on" jokes they want.

VERSUS

The Denver Nuggets as Pokemon

Denver has collected a diverse assortment of players with interesting and unique skills ... but have they evolved enough to battle elite teams?

IN CHAPTER TWO OF...

The Pokéfather:

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The old Don stood as Brasi entered the room. The big man's face was a mass of purple bruises, and he could not suppress a groan of agony when he bent to kiss the Godfather's ring.

"Luca. Luca, what happened?" Don Corleone laid a paternal hand upon his enforcer's shoulder, then withdrew it when he saw Luca Brasi wince. "The first round of the tournament was today. Please, sit. Tell me, tell me what happened."

Slowly Brasi lowered himself into a chair. "Don Corleone, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to represent the family in the Pokemon tournament, and I am glad to say that we have won the first round. Here you will find a report of the goings on that went on."

Brasi extended a folded sheet of paper. As Don Corleone took it the big man was wracked with a coughing fit; the Don busied himself with the note, pretending not to notice the thin trickle of blood that Brasi hastily dabbed from the corner of his mouth.

FINAL REPORT - TROPHY TOURNEY

ROUND ONE:

  • Kobe used Chuck
  • McGee used ThrowItInTheOcean, but it missed!
  • Koufos used Invisibility
  • Bynum used Blocksploitation. It's super-effective!
  • Nuggets fainted

ROUND TWO:

  • Kobe used Chuck. It's super-effective!
  • TyLaw used Breakout
  • Miller used Invisibility
  • Bynum used Beatdown
  • Nuggets fainted

ROUND THREE:

  • Kobe used Chuck. It's not very effective...
  • TyLaw used Explode
  • Blake used Suck
  • Hill used Invisibility
  • Faried used Boardbang
  • McGee used Boardbang
  • Lakers fainted

ROUND FOUR

  • Kobe used Chuck
  • Bynum used Efficiency
  • Denver used Hangtough
  • Pau used Cheapshot. It's super-effective!
  • McGee used Hulkmom. It's highly amusing!
  • Kobe used Manlove
  • Nuggets fainted

ROUND FIVE

  • Kobe used Chuck
  • Bynum used Bigmouth. It's not very professional...
  • Nuggets used Disrespected
  • McGee used Explode
  • Lakers used TakeCareOfBusiness, but it failed!
  • Lakers fainted

ROUND SIX

  • Kobe used Chuck
  • Nuggets used Energy. It's super-effective!
  • Gasol used BuyABucket, but it failed!
  • Brewer used HotStreak
  • Lakers fainted

ROUND SEVEN

  • Kobe used BallShare. It's super-effective!
  • Nuggets used ReturnToForm
  • TyLaw used FutureStar
  • Lakers used AvoidEmbarassment
  • Nuggets fainted

Quietly the old Don tucked the note into his pocket. "You are a loyal soldier, Luca," he said at last. "You have served the family well. Still, I am deeply troubled. We must-"

The door slammed open, and Sonny burst into the room. "Pop!" His face was flush with excitement as he waved a newspaper. "We did it! It's all over the TV too, the trophy is as good as ours!"

The old Don sighed.

... to be continued

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