FanPost

Pudgy White Guy Makes Open Three in Pick-Up Game

 

Austin, TEXAS- 23 year old Robert Elliot, a senior at the University of Texas, has been reported to have made an open three point shot during his most recent pickup game at Gregory Gym, the campus’ area fitness center. Questions about the number of dimensions which comprised Elliot’s overall “game” were quickly brought under the microscope, though witnesses to the event seem to agree that it was a knee jerk reaction to the play of 21 year old Alex Benetton, the individual last suspected to have been checking Elliot.

“I mean, sometimes the games down here can get pretty heated.” Exclaimed a friend of Benetton’s who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “It doesn’t help that most people are wearing the same ratty, torn gym shirt. Still, Alex should’ve known where his man was. It’s like watching a moon bounce running wind sprints.”

Though other witnesses, most of them similarly aged males waiting on the sidelines to play the winner, were quick to support claims of Elliot’s substantial corpulence, the general consensus seemed to focus more on his style of play. “All three pointers, all the time.” Junior Rodrigo Lopez ascertained. “I’ve played with him before, and I don’t think he’s ever shot a single lay-up. There was one time he posted up, I think, but he never runs the break. He’s always trailing, calling for the three ball, so when there was a turnover, he was pretty much standing right underneath the basket. He tried to take it back outside, but he got caught up. It honestly looked like a bunch of drunk cowboys trying to corral a wild cow.  It’s whatever.”

Elliot himself seemed unfazed by his critics claims, speaking confidently in a noticeably out of place hip hop vernacular. “I mean, hey, dudes be hatin’ my J all up and down this piece.” Elliot annoyingly informed, before asking if he could be called “E.T.” “Yo, I’m gonna be the first to tell you ‘bout my range, baby. Wide open? Hand in my face? It don’t matter, mane. Trey all day, baby!” Elliot then proceeded to make what are assumed to be meaningless hand gestures, while barking like a dog and straightening his shooting sleeve.

Elliot eventually returned to another game, coming in as an injury sub for Heinrich Schweitzer, a 19 yr old Engineering Major from Germany. “This guy is beyond frustrating to play with.” Heinrich said, wincing as he rubbed his ankle. “The worst is when he stays here over the summer. That’s when he’ll show up wearing jerseys. He has like 19 different ones, so whoever won in the playoffs the night before, he’ll be wearing that one. It’s just an iss-SOMEBODY GUARD HIM! THAT’S ALL HE DOES! See what I mean?” Schweitzer sighed, pointing in the direction of Elliot, who was backpedaling up the court, making the “You Can’t See Me” gesture while humming “Summer Madness” by Kool and The Gang.

Despite Elliot’s insistence that his “game” was indeed multi-faceted, it was unknown as of press time whether or not he ever “went hard in the paint”, or “hit the turnaround like a broken record.” 

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