Watch this before jumping, please.

He wobbles into the room and you immediately detect an odor. He has red hair and freckles, (Red Rocket)

You move closer to confirm the odor's origin and he begins to speak of lockouts and his new BFF, Derek Fisher, (Red Rocket)

He plays for your favorite team and is often a point of frustration. He can't jump very high but he's not quick, either," (Red Rocket)

He doesn't sprint often, but when he does, a pregnant duck comes to mind, and you think, "I'd rather have the pregnant duck suit up," (Red Rocket)

He's great when the team is up by 20 during the regular season, but always disappears in the playoffs. I mean, ALWAYS, (Red Rocket)

Teams choose to leave him open because he sucks. Sir Charles' quote, "You're open for a reason, stupid," always comes to mind, (Red Rocket)

You can find him hovering around the top of the key. The paint is not his favorite place to be. I mean, you don't want your power forward under the rim, right? (Red Rocket)

The person he guards always becomes the center-point of our opponent's offense. As soon as Bonner checks in, pay attention to the next three plays. The guy he's guarding will get a clear out, (Red Rocket)

Cartman is pretty sure that he does not have a soul. I'm inclined to believe him. Cartman jumped like 40 homeless one time, (Red Rocket)

His arms are disproportionately short relative to his body. 6'3" with a wingspan of 6'7"? Try 6'10" with a wingspan of 6'8.75", (Red Rocket)

He is the pride of New Hampshire. I went to school in New Hampshire. Trust me, they are not known for basketball, or sports, or anything. (Red Rocket)

He has two hitches in his shot. His own body attempts to ice him every time he attempts a three. It's like he is the Cowboys and his brain is controlled by Jason Garret. (Red Rocket)

I'm not always right, but when I am, it's because of him. Stay hateful, my friends, (Red Rocket)

(I thought I could do better.)