Way to go, Lebron. After holding the NBA hostage for months, you finally allowed us to witness your free agency decision in the form of an orgasmic hour-long viewing experience. Would you settle for the money and fame and run to the Knicks? Would you follow in Michael Jordan’s footsteps and turn the Chicago Bulls back into a championship-caliber team? Or would you show some appreciation and loyalty for the organization that drafted you and spent the last few years bending over backward to acquire the parts necessary to win you a ring and convince you to remain a Cleveland Cavalier?
Instead, the King chose to sign with the Miami Heat, joining new signee Chris Bosh and veteran Heat leader Dwayne Wade. Wow, Lebron, maybe you really don’t care about the money. Maybe you are all about winning. Surely, the next three seasons will see the raising of three new championship banners in the Miama arena, joining the one Wade already earned back in 2006. The All-Star studded lineup will dominate the media, and give David Stern a new team to pit against his pet Laker squad. Since the Chosen One couldn’t face Kobe in a final with the Cavs, he’ll grab a couple of sidekicks in Wade and Bosh and really raise the NBA’s revenue as part of its newest headline machine: Miami’s Bigger Three!!!
Let me be the first to congratulate you, Lebron. This wheeze is a genius way to start your ring hunt off. It’s guaranteed to win you a championship faster than Gollum can croak “My precious.” However, it isn’t a long-term option, as I’m sure you understand. It’s not possible for two dominant personalities to co-exist happily for long, so when the inevitable Kobe-Shaq mama drama begins the Heat will side with you because, after all, you're the "face of the NBA." Oops, sorry Dwayne. You've gone and destroyed Wade's future in Miami, but what did he ever do for them anyway? Sticking with the organization that drafted you and winning them a championship with a team whose chemistry you helped build is an old-fashioned idea in these modern times. Winning IS everything, as you point out. The only team that still holds team values and leadership is San Antonio, and everyone knows that little backwater hasn’t produced a compelling team in its entire history as a franchise. Hopefully, Wade will have the sense to respect your majestic ideals and continue his homage from whatever dark corner of the NBA he inhabits three years from now.
Here, let me dust off this throne for you. Oh, you wanted to write a thank you note to the Cleveland organization? I’d suggest something along these lines: “I’d like to thank the Cleveland fans and management for a great start to my career. I couldn’t have become the best player in the NBA without you guys. Thanks to you too, Akron. My feigned loyalty to you helped build my credibility and brand, allowing me to build a reputation as not only the best player in the NBA, but also as a small-town kid who will always return to his roots. I’d like to extend my gratitude to Coach Brown. His firing allowed me to avoid the blame for the lack of championships I’ve brought the Cavaliers, and instead scapegoated him as the coach who couldn’t win the big one, even with the best player in the NBA under his instruction. But the time now is for me to fulfill my destiny, and become the biggest and best thing that’s ever happened to basketball. I’m going beyond being the best player in the NBA, as my second MVP trophy proved that topic to be SO last year. In Miami, I’m going to teach Dwayne Wade how to win. I’m going to lead him and Bosh to a few rings. Then I’m going to survey the league, locate the hottest talent, and go win a few more rings. I mean, the best player in the NBA should have at least eight rings. I figure that if I finish my career on an eight straight championship win streak, I’ll be the best NBA player OF ALL TIME. Thanks again, bros, and the best of luck to Cleveland in the upcoming NBA season.” That way, your heartfelt appreciation is made clear, and your net worth might go up a few million into the bargain.
Lebron James for President!!
An NBA fan