It's another DTOUR. Here's my author forward for Achieve! Success without Being Successful, my self-published, self-help guide.
I was sitting and eating buffalo chicken tenders one Tuesday afternoon when I realized something profound and soul-enlightening: iced tea is amazing. It’s better than any hot beverage out there or soda or malt or even a spirit. Now, how could I make a million dollars off of this? I wasn’t sure. But maybe I could do what I had been talking about for years: go around on the lecture circuit just motivating people to do whatever people tend to do; to be a motivational speaker. But then I realized that this would take up way too much time and later I also realized that people don’t want you to be their motivational speaker unless you yourself have been motivated to do something but that begs the question: what if a person was born to be motivated to be a motivated speaker? What leprous rags this person must bare! I want to speak to people, rooms filled with important and good looking people. But so far I have not met any.
And that’s when it hit me like a sock filled with pennies from a juvenile detention center: write a book, bring the speech to their faces, their bedrooms, their pc's: become motivation in the written form. That was 7 years ago, and I wrote all this down last month and now you get to reap the fruit of my brain-labor, all of it contained in these pages that follow. This is no small thing and no small book. What are contained in these pages are items that will change the way you look at other people, including me. I’m offering you a paradigm shift, a way for you to bring about that dream you’ve been keeping in your nook and cranny for the last 16 years. Consider this book your nook and cranny sweeper! Touching you in places you would not allow any other book to even get a peep at. This book is a way to ooze my genius onto your brain, seep it in and allow it to create genius babies in your sub-conscious.
As an author, I run into many people with many different dreams, goals and haircuts. Some people even stop me even in the streets, and they suggest that I try wearing a more loose-fitting jean. Some people stop me in the streets with a certain desire. They say: give me your money you tourist...and all your electronics! But do you know what I do? I reach into my backpack and I pull out a copy of my book and I say: the information held within is a treasure more rich than any available currency or technology. And on at least one occasion, that I can remember, my book has been used as a blunt force object to cause me numerous subdural hematomas and a fractured skull. So, that brings me to the point of my forward: what can I do with this book besides read it?
First we have to rule out using Achieve! Success without Being Successful as a doorstop, because the book simply isn’t big enough. I do suppose it’s possible, however, if you have wafer-thin doors. Or doors on the moon. Secondly, you could use this book to start up a small group/reading group to pour over all the treasure-nuggets written inside. There are also secret nuggets printed in white ink along the margins that can only be seen with cyber enhanced eyes--I was thinking of the future, one of my steps to being successful without success. So even in your reading group you can feed off the mystery of words that aren’t even there. And that is something that is sexy.
How else can you use this book that is worth its weight in other books? Well, I can tell you how I'm going to use it and the proceeds to motivate others and motivate some people to love me.
I plan on using the income to send my daughter to college. That may not be one of the best schools in the nation but perhaps I can afford Ed's Barber College, down the street. Well, I just googled that and it looks as if that will not be an option either, so maybe we can look into some type of home-schooling college and I can print out a diploma at the library, and that will be worth something. Hopefully the proceeds will cover the print by the page charge.
I also plan on buying something for my wife: like possibly a star or something? I've seen the star commercials that allow you to buy your own stars, or at least the certificate of those stars and that way if economic space travel becomes a thing in our lifetime we can go and visit our star together, walk around on it, maybe see if it has any beaches or indigenous populations we could exploit. I don't think there could be a better gift, now that I think about it.
So, to wrap this up: this is probably the part of the forward where I go around thanking all those who helped me write this book, gave feedback, held me when I cried, and pumped my stomach after I drank too many diet energy drinks. But I will not. Because to thank them would be a disservice to them, I believe. To thank them and even you, dear reader, would take away from the wealth of treasure-juice contained within the pages. No, I won't take away from your future or your children's children's future. So instead I say simply this:
You're welcome. All of you.