DTOUR: An Appreciation of Improvement

Years ago when I was a 18 and attending college with a friend of mine, Andrew, we were still quite immature. During class we’d chat, doodle funny things and on one particular day we threw things at each other. Pieces of dismembered pens, shreds of paper, crumbs we found at the bottom of our backpack etc… This went on intermittently through out the class and because we were so sly, the professor never noticed.

I had gotten the last laugh in by shooting a spit wad in Andrew’s ear. When class had ended I thought the games with it had ended too, however Andrew had different ideas. As we got into my car to head home Andrew grabbed a water bottle, less than a quarter filled, and flung the remaining water in it at me. Naturally I was pissed off.

“What the hell, man?” I said. “You can’t carry on the games inside my car! Fucker…”

“Now we’re even” he laughed.

In my mind we were so not even. To use a sports analogy it’s like in water polo; there are a lot of vicious and dirty things that go on under the water but hey it’s part of the rough sport. But if someone outside of playing water polo tried to kick me in the testis or bend my arm behind my back I’d flip out and fight. Or if the person were much larger than me I’d run away. Needless to say I had designs on getting Andrew back.

Before we got on our way home we had to get some gas and it so happened that my car, a 1996 green Honda civic, was filthy. After I had filled her up I purchased a car wash and pulled up to the wash and put my car in neutral as the robot instructed me to do. Andrew and I sat quietly, for everyone knows that, like an elevator, you do not talk during a car wash.

My car was half way through the wash when I had the most genius idea. Using my power window controls on my driver’s side I could roll down the passenger window, Andrews window. The soap and pressured water would rush in and all over Andrews stupid ass. It was perfect. So I did it but it backfired. As soon as I hit the button Andrew was quick to jump into the back seat (perhaps he sensed the attack) and with his long arms reached around to my side and rolled down my window! The bright green and blue and pink soaps sprayed all over my face and clothes and steering consol. I had gotten royally served.

After I cleaned up car and myself and cursed Andrew while he laughed at me we got on the road. We lived about 20 minutes from the campus and took the highway. The highway was kind of scenic and as we drove Andrew stared off out the window and became entranced with the trees and green hills. He was paying no attention to me. I was brewing and plotting for revenge when suddenly a very strange idea came over me.

There is no good way to preface what came next. All I can tell you is that I swear I’m a normal guy mostly. Ask swgeek or LatinD and hopefully they can vouch for me and maybe ya’ll won’t think too low of me.

With Andrew not paying attention I unzipped my pants and still he did not turn away from the window. So I proceeded with my retarded plan. I drew out my wiener, aimed and fired. At first Andrew thought I had found another water bottle or something. He turned toward me and began to mumble something and then noticed the source of the liquid. The yellow warm liquid sprayed on his left shoulder and when he turned, his chest. Take that fucker. After what seemed to be minutes I pinched it off. I was laughing frantically and Andrew was cursing and screaming. It was not over though.

I still had a good amount of piss left in me and it was stinging. With one hand I was driving and the other pinching it off. With no free hands I couldn’t get the empty water bottle so I told Andrew to grab it. He cursed and refused so I had to threaten him.

“If you don’t get the water bottle I’m gonna piss all over you again.” I said.

“Fuck you! Fine, here!” he said and motioned towards me with the bottle.

I didn’t have any free hands and why he didn’t grab the wheel and let me hold the bottle while I pissed, who knows. At any rate Andrew held the empty water bottle up to my wiener and I began to relieve myself. The bottle continued to fill and fill until fill it could no longer. If you have ever put your thumb on a garden hose then you can perfectly picture the trajectory of the spraying urine. Every which way the yellow liquid sprayed until I was all finished. And by then all three of us, me, Andrew and my car were covered in piss.

We are still friends to this day, how he forgave me I will never understand. And the greatest part about the story is a few years after the incident I sold him that car. He still owns it.