The Five Stages Of Grief.

In High School, I took a Psychology class. It was taught by a coach who happened to also teach psychology, and it contained many falsehoods, myths and misconceptions. The standards were low, and I wowed everyone doing a presentation on mental disorders that looked good because all the other presentations were pathetic.

Therefore, I am exceptionally qualified to speak in psychological matters.

Pretend I'm wearing a soft, woolly turtleneck, sipping some organic fair traded tea, and let me guide you through this difficult time.

Join me after the jump.

via nerdapproved.com

Oh hey, you're here. You made it safely. How do you feel about that? Wow, really? You're one fucked up individual.

The Kübler-Ross model, more commonly known as The Five Stages of Grief, was first introduced in the 1969 book, "On Death and Dying".  A kindergarten favorite, the book became a success and introduced the world to the Five Stages.

In the following paragraphs, I will explain each stage to you so that you might better understand how to deal with your feelings and reach a synergy infused forward looking win-win approach to outside of the box thinking 20% off on all merchandise.

The Five Stages Of Grief

1. Suicide

Unfortunately most people are unable to move on from this first stage.

It is characterized by a general lack of breathing. Family members are often prejudiced against people in this stage, and they will make disparaging comments. It is important to remember that while at the moment that  it might seem like you won't be able to go past this stage, only your weakness and your pathetic sense of self worth got you here. Get over it, you effing pansy.

2. Anger

OH SO YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET ANGRY AT ME?? I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON ME. NOT MY FAULT BONNER COULDN'T MAKE THREES, HILL REVERTED TO ROOKIE MODE, AND JEFFERSON WAS THE WORST PURCHASE IN HISTORY SINCE THE UNITED STATES BOUGHT ALASKA AND NOW WE'RE STUCK WITH IT!!!

YOU FUCKER, I DIDN'T PLAN FOR MANU TO GET HIS NOSE SHIFTED ABOUT 3 INCHES AND FOR TONY TO BE HURT AND FOR POP TO BE DEFEATED BY THE PICK AND ROLL. THE FUCKING PICK AND ROLL!!! IT'S LIKE THE MOST BASIC PLAY THERE IS!!!!!!!!WHEN SIR FUCKING WHATEVER THE THIRD INVENTED BASKETBALL THE SECOND THING HE MUST'VE FIGURED OUT AFTER "TALL PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE GOOD AT THIS GAME" WAS THE MOTHERFUCKING PICK AND ROLL!!!

YOU CALM DOWN!!! I SWEAR I WILL FUCKING TWITTER ALL YOUR CONFIDENTIAL FILES!! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT HUH?????!!!! WHO HAS THE POWER NOW, FEMALE DOG?!!!! THEY'RE GONNA BE READING IN 140 CHARACTERS OR LESS HOW YOU SUCK YOUR THUMB WHEN YOU SLEEP BECAUSE YOUR DAD CRUSHED THE SKULL OF YOU PET BUNNY "SNUGGLES MAXIMUS" IN FRONT OF YOU WHEN YOU WERE A KID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL FUCKING END YOU!!!!

3. Gingivitis

As Freud once said, "Cocaine if a hell of a drug". Unfortunately, due to the socio-fascists in government, we can no longer use this wonderful drug to treat patients. I have some news for you government people, masturbation is addictive too, and yet you don't ban it. And if you try, it will have to take it away from my warm, sweaty hands.

Anyway, as feelings on helplessness set in, it is quite common for patients to stop performing even the most basics act of hygiene. As teeth stop being brushed, tartar accumulates and this sets the stage for gingivitis, the silent killer, to attack. It is of utmost importance to continue washing your flabby body and your yellow, crooked teeth. If not, gingivitis, the oral ninja, will attack. And that's just nasty.

Although it might seems weird to include this, if it's on the list is because the authors decided this was extremely important.

It's not like I'm making this up.

4. Depression

What's the point of this list anyway? It's not like any of you are you gonna read it. Why would you? I've been in this country for 10 years and my writing sucks. I have a fucking High School educations for god's sake, most people here are engineers.

I mean what's the point. Really, what's the point of it all? You work all your fucking life for what? So you can enjoy things when you're old and hate the world anyway? Life is a fucking joke. When you should be enjoying your life you work, and when you're bored out of your mind you have all the time in the world.

Yeah it's nice to live in a neat little house with your spouse and have a fucking white picket fence, but you know it's not gonna last. She's probably gonna cheat on you anyway, she's too good for you. Don't you always manage to fuck it up? And when you're 45 and your wife leaves you for an alpaca farmer and you go, hey cool, now all those girls that I looked at before, I can hook up with them. Well, guess what? You fucking don't exercise, you're a mass of flab and broken dreams, and you wouldn't know how to carry an interesting conversation with a younger female if your pathetic life depended on it. So now you go and do what you never thought you would do, and you pay. You pay for affection. Guess what? You got caught. I told you you couldn't do anything right. Your children will be really proud of this.  My god you have failed at life.

What's the point? There isn't one. It's all just fucking pointless. Might as well go back to step one.

Manu and Timmeh are only getting older... * sigh *

5. Fuckittude

This last step represents a general attitude of " Fuck it". The person finally admits that the problem isn't as painful anymore, and besides, fuck it. Now, this is not to say that all that say "fuck it" really mean it. Many will say "fuck it" when they're still in the anger stage. This is known as False Fuckittude.

It is important to be honest with yourself, loser, and admit whether you have stopped caring because enough time has passed, or because you want to make it seem that everything is okay.

Fuckittude is the closing stage and with this the cycle of grief ends, if it doesn't, then fuck it. It is important to allow this process to run its natural curse. It is okay to feel anger, depression, or gingivitis. If you try to rush this process, you might end up being stuck in a permanent state of False Fuckittiude or calling for ludicrous trades.

An easy to test to confirm you're in this last stage is for a friend to ask you about a painful episode of your life, say...The Suns sweep of the Spurs in this years Playoffs. If you try to defend the loss using wall of texts arguments and incredible complex logic, you're not there yet. If you keep saying the Spurs were the best team but lost due to a set of circumstances which you have helpfully diagrammed in a giant wall-sized chart, you're not there yet. If you give credit to the Suns' play and admit they deserved to win, you're almost there. If you say, " Bromigo, why are you asking me about that? Fuck that shit", congratulations, you have reached the final stage.

I hope this has been helpful to all those who have read it. It was my pleasure to accompany you in this journey of self discovery and little white doves and soothing music.

Remember that you cannot love others until you love yourself, and from what you have told me, you're probably never gonna experience true love. Tough break.