D-TOUR 2, Higher Body Count

I enjoyed the first Thread of Utter Randomness so much that I thought I would start my own.

I don't even know if I have permission to do this. But logical thinking has never saved me before. There's a lot of randomness after the jump:

I wrote a book last year. I mainly did it to have something to talk about. The absence of any success in my life led me to write a book for children. That way, when a friend would be like: I just closed a deal on some ranch land, cleared 200,000 dollars with a stroke of a pen, I could be like: I wrote a book about talking animals.

No one wanted to publish the thing either. I heard a lot of "Sorry, I just don't know who to market this to," from agents--which I can only assume is double-talk for "this manuscript is not toilet paper-worthy." So I'm just a dude who wrote a kid's book no one wanted to read. That's a real conversation piece at parties. Oh, you wrote a book? Nice, and no one wanted to spend a dime on it? Wonderful. Could you park my car now please?

I even bought special software for writers. Another scheme profiting on my idiocy. Why does every program you buy now have to get all cozy and familiar with everything else in your computer? Have you noticed this? You install your camera's software, and three weeks later you're trying to log on the Internet and you see some weird icon dancing in the corner. --perform strange dance-- What the...? Oh, the camera is just checking stock prices on the Internet. That's normal. That's what I thought I bought, another computer user in the house. Thanks, Kodak.

These little programs are like weird relatives who come over only once a year and perform random functions in your house. Do you know what I'm talking about? "Hey Justin, can I use your microwave to warm up some pee?" "Sure Ted, glad you got out of prison, please let me help you pass your drug test."

"Yes, you can use my garage to shoot your music video. Have you met my wife? Please, Ted; it's been at least five years, make yourself at home."

Who can blame him? Trying to make a dime with every second you got. It's hard to tell someone no when they're just trying to make some money. Like, with pyramid schemes: I have such a hard time telling friends 'no'. Instead, I go off grid, change cell phone numbers. I jump and hide in the nearest bush like some old cartoon. My head poking out. It's like they ask me to join the mafia--I don't even want to hear it. But I can't man up and say "no, I'm not interested in the vitamin lotion business." I just run away like Benny Hill. Yakety Sax starts playing in the background. And it's always fun to note that years later, when I accidentally run into the friend again, they always have that guilty look saying: No, I didn't make a million dollars selling tofu bird seed. It just didn't work out. "What ...really? I thought you were going to do so well with that. The brochure looked so promising."

So, I've created my own multi-level marketing program that I only break out in response to others:

I need to talk to you. Please sit down, this will only take a second. I know I asked you over for a game of Canasta, but just give me a few seconds of your time. 30 minutes, max.

I see potential in you. You working for me would really send my business places that it could never go before. What business, you ask? I thought you would ask that. That’s why I want you to watch this DVD.

(I put DVD in and sit back--the video shows people sailing off the coast of Guam, wind blowing through their hair, and drinking Sunny Delight from a glass made of an ancient redwood.)

(The next scene shows a man sitting on the deck of a marvelous palace, overlooking a city below with what appear to be his workers working in the streets. He smiles at himself and goes to the bathroom, where there is a toilet made of bald eagle bones.)

The DVD is finished. What was that, you ask? I'm glad you did ask, because I have some note cards here to explain. This is our potential--what we could be doing if you are willing to work with me.

I’m not going to fluff it up for you and tuck you in here, I need your money. This is a program where you give me 400 dollars and I in turn give you paperwork and your own DVD so that you can have your friends give you 400 dollars.

And those friends who give you 400 dollars will also be paying me by giving me 10 percent of that 400 dollars; just like I paid a guy named Eyeball out behind the bowling alley for mine.

And then your friends get paid by their friends, etc, etc. Eventually some guy in Toledo, Ohio makes me a millionaire. That’s how this works.

I know that most of these programs have some kind of lotion or cream and I nearly made some of my own by putting some Suave in a pepper shaker, but I didn't want to insult your intelligence.

There is no product. Maybe I can make one up, like a punch to the face. How about a punch to the face? You’ll get one if you don’t give me my 400 dollars. What I am selling you is a chance not to get punched in the face. You can’t put a price on that.

Maybe you can: 400 dollars.

If you don’t join you are just ruining my dreams and my chances at financial security. Don’t forget about my children. They need to eat. Well, they’re over 30, but they will eat better knowing I have your 400 dollars.

Will you at least think about it? Please take this brochure. It’s free after you pay me the 400 dollars.

This is fan-created content on The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff at Pounding the Rock.

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