First Ever(?) PtR Dumb Joke Contest

A man was invited to a friend’s home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, etc. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 50 years.

While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names.”

His buddy shrugged, lowered his voice and said, “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”

A man was on the phone, and his girlfriend was hearing the conversation:

Guy: " Hello? Heeeeey what’s up dude? No, really? No way, that’s so funny. Yeah yeah, she was at that one party, the one that um…that Brazilian dude, it was at his house. I know! Yeah, can’t believe that. Good times, good times. Alright man, I’ll catch up with your later. Yeah, we should do Starbucks. Alright, hahaha, yeah. See ya dude."

Girlfriend:" What was that all about honey?"

Guy:" His niece was murdered".

Three men walk into a pub. Rubbing their foreheads, they sit down at the bar. These three men all work for breweries: one from Budweiser, one from Miller, and the third from Guinness. They convene every couple of months to talk shop and trade stories.
The Bud man gets the bartender’s attention and proudly says, "I’ll have a Budweiser, the king of beers!" The Miller man, not to be outdone, says, "I’ll have a Miller Lite, best American-style light lager in the world!" The bartender gets to the Guinness man and asks him for his order. "Oh, I’ll just have a Coke." His comrades look at him with shock. "Aren’t you going to order a Guinness?" they ask.
The Guinness man replies, "Well, if you two aren’t drinking, then neither am I."

How about this—I’ll give you the punchlines, y’all see if you can provide the joke in the comments. NESTED comments (just for you, LD).

1. “A pig like that—well, you don’t eat him all at once.”

2. “You idiot! It’s Eduard Shevardnadze!”

3. “All right, you can come in. Just don’t start anything!”

4. “Is there anyone ELSE up there?”

5. “Make me one with everything.”

OK, I think I am running out of ones clean enough to post.

Q: What should you do if you’re attacked by a gang of clowns?
A: Go for the juggler.

OK, I just added the word “Dumb” to the title. No reflection on previous posts. I did it so I could post jokes like:

Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
A: Fo’ drizzle.

Guy 1: Did you hear about the new Pirate movie?

Guy 2: No…

Guy 1: It’s rated Arrrrggh

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

Did y’all hear about the Lakers fan who was found dead in his jail cell with 12 bumps on his head?

He tried to hang himself with a rubber band.

Saw this one on Reader’s Digest—I’ve made it more Spurs centric, but credit the creater Herman M. below. "It was the first day of basketball practice at the Spurs practice facility for training camp, Coach Pop handed a ball to each player. “Fellas,” he said, “I want you to practice shooting from the spots you might expect to be in during the game.”

Ian Mahinmi immediately sat down on the bench and began arcing the ball toward the basket. — Herman L. Masin

     A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, ‘Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’
     The rabbi responded, ‘Yes, that is still one of our laws.’
     The priest then asked, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’
     To which the rabbi replied, ‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.’ The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
     A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?’
     The priest replied, ‘Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.’
     The rabbi then asked him, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?’
     The priest replied, ‘Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.’
     The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, ‘Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?’

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’

The woman turned to Ms. Walters, and without hesitation said, ‘Land Mines.’

Lottsa good ones up there but I notice the only the Laker-related ones are green. That’s OK. As they say in Brittan, “Why don’t you all go f’ coffee.” :)

Here’s another joke:

Q: What’s the most successful pickup line ever?
A: “Does this smell like chloroform?”

A pastor was making his routine visit to a local nursing home and went into the room of an elderly woman named Ida, whom he’d become friends with. As he was sitting there talking with Ida and hearing his stomach growl, he noticed a jar of peanuts on her dresser.

Pointing to the jar he asked, "Ida, do you mind?". "Not at all", replied Ida.

After several minutes of discussion and prayer, the pastor stood up to leave and realized he had emptied the jar.

"Ida, I’m afraid I’ve eaten all your peanuts while we were talking", said the pastor.

"That’s okay", said Ida. "With my false teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them and put them back in the jar!"

A three legged dog walk into a bar and said “I’m looking for the man who shot my pa.”

Okay, another bar joke…

A string walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and tells him, "We don’t serve strings in here." The string walks out of the bar and ties knots all up and down himself, and frays his ends. He then walks back in and sits up to the bar. The bartender asks, "Aren’t you that string that was in here before?"

"Nope, I’m afraid not."

Bubba goes to the tent revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks for anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba slowly rises from his chair and gets in line.

When it’s his turn the preacher asks, "Bubba, what do you want me to pray about?"
Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts his right finger in Bubba’s right ear and his left hand on top of his head and prays a while. Then the preacher puts his left finger in Bubba’s left ear and his right hand on top of his head and prays some more.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how’s your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don’t know, preacher – it’s not until next Wednesday."

a mushroom walks into a bar, and orders a drink.
bartender says, “I’m sorry we don’t serve food here”.
mushroom says, “aw, why not? I’m a fun guy”.

what do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

what did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

“damn!”

why do you call a deer with no eyes?

“I have no i deer”

why don’t roosters wear pants?

because its pecker is in its head.

Last one for today…

Bob was in trouble – he’d forgotten his wedding anniversary and his wife was extremely upset. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds!"

The next morning Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing ever since…

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The other says, "Go home dad you’re drunk."

Oh yeah, here’s a riddle for you:

Q: Why do scuba divers always go off the boat backwards?
A: Because if they went forwards they’d still be on the boat.
(OK, it helps if you’ve had a couple of beers first.)

A principal calls the mother of one of his students and says, "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that your son thinks he’s a frog."

Mother: "Well, what’s the good news?"

Principal: "The good news is that I think we’ve licked the fly problem in the cafeteria."

THE HAIRCUT

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ‘Thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and afterward when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop there is a ‘Thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and afterward when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a ‘Thank you’ card and several different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and afterward when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

::Hoping that olf has already retired for the night…::

Five people are on a plane. The pilot, a woman, a man and his son, and a Laker fan who considers himself to be the smartest man in the world. The plane’s engines have all failed, but they find out that there are only four parachutes on board. The pilot says "I’m the pilot, so I should be able to go." He then grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The woman does the same thing, taking the second parachute. The Laker fan then grabs (what he thinks is) the third parachute and jumps out. This leaves only the man and his son, and the father doesn’t know what to do, but his son tells him "Dad, don’t worry. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

OK, how about this one:

A woman divorcing her husband casually tells him, “I’m going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free.”

To which he replies, “I’m coming with you, I want to see you live on $800 a year.”

A new missionary went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn’t understand a whole lot of what was going on. When he visited a local church for the first time, he arrived late, and the church was already packed. Therefore, he had to sit in the first row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to imitate the man sitting next to him. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the new missionary clapped, too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary also stood up. When the man sat down, he sat down. During the preaching, the missionary didn’t understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the pastor was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the missionary also clapped. Then the pastor said some words that he didn’t understand, and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up, too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. The missionary looked around and saw that nobody else was standing, so he sat down.

After the service ended, the pastor stood at the door shaking the hands of people as they were leaving. When the missionary stretched out his hand to greet the pastor, the pastor said (in English), "I take it that you don’t speak Spanish." The missionary replied, "No, I don’t. Is it that obvious?" "Well, yes", said the pastor. "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby and would the proud father please stand up."

A husband and wife go to a therapist for counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She goes on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, he embraces her and gives her a long passionate kiss as her husband watches with a raised eyebrow. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down as though in a daze.

The therapist turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Hey, it is kind of surprising that there are no Tiger Woods jokes posted so far.

Three people, a Cavalierss fan, a Nuggets fan , and a Lakers fan went on a hunting trip.

The first night, the Cavs guy comes back to their cabin with a big deer. The others ask him how he did it, and he cooly replies: “I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!”

The next night, the Denver fancomes back, also with a big deer. “I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!” was the Nuggets guy’s story.

So the Lakers fan decides to try it himself. But the next night, as he drags himself back to the cabin, his two companions find him bruised and bloody all over. “What happened?” they ask? “Well,” replies the Lakers guy, “I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! A train hit me.”

4Him, has clearly been dominating this joke thread. Here’s one more.

A guy, who loved his cat, was leaving town for a week of meetings. So, he called his brother and asked him to watch his cat. He could not express enough to his brother how important the cat was to him. The brother knowingly agreed to watch the cat while his brother left town.

The guy arrives at his destination and goes through his meetings. A few days later he calls his brother to check in. “How’s the cat” he asked. The brother told him that the cat had gotten on the roof and had fallen off and died. The guy was furious! He got very mad his brother for not taking better care of the cat, he cursed his brother and yelled and finally slammed the phone down and stormed off.

After several hours the guy had calmed down. He called his brother and apologized. He told him that next time to let him down slowly. “Maybe tell me that the cat is on the roof, but the fire department is coming to get him down. Then the next day tell me that there was an accident, but the vet has the cat in surgery and he might make it. Then the next day let me know that the cat didn’t make, but you did all you could.” he said. So the brother agreed to do better with bad news. So the guy sighs, and asks his brother, “So, how is mom doing?”

The brother replies, “She’s on the roof.”

A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to have been forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man’s curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn’t seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting items. The man found himself strangely interested in a rather ugly brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. Ugly it was, but he had never seen anything like it – it was so incredibly detailed, and life-like. He asked the shopkeeper for a price.

The man was pleased to learn that he could acquire the rat for only $5, and he handed the shopkeeper the money. But, before giving the man the rat, the shopkeeper sternly warned him, “This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won’t take it back under any circumstances.”

The man thought the warning was curious, given that the rat only cost $5. Even if he decided that he hated the rat, it was hardly an amount worth worrying about. He agreed to the shopkeeper’s terms, and left with the rat.

At first, everything seemed perfectly normal. But as he walked back toward his car, the man started to hear strange rustling noises around him. Then he saw a live rat scurry out of an alley, and start to follow him. Suddenly, rats seemed to be appearing all around him, streaming out of sewers and dumpsters, all following him and milling about his feet.

The man began to run, but the rats kept up in increasing numbers. The man realized that he was being chased by literally tens of thousands of rats. The ground came alive, as the rats swarmed behind him.

The man suddenly realized the significance of the shopkeeper’s warning, and knew what he had to do. He turned toward the bay, and ran as quickly as he could toward the water. When he reached the waterfront, he threw the brass rat as far as he could into the bay. The rats raced past him, following the brass rat into the water, where they drowned.

The man returned to the curio shop, and upon seeing him enter the shopkeeper shouted, “I told you, no refunds. I don’t want trouble here. The sale was final, and you can’t return the merchandise.”

The man smiled, and replied, “Oh, I don’t want to return the brass rat. I just want to know – do you have a brass Lakers fan in stock?”

I refuse to use dual climate air conditioning due to fear of a tornado birth.

a blind man walks into a drug store and starts knocking stuff off the shelves with his cane. the drug store worker comes up to him and says “can i help you sir?” the blind man replies “no thanks, i’m just looking.”

During a game, Artest was trash-talking Bowen, “You’re defense is an overrated piece of shit. You can’t do anything else on the court besides kicking true basketball players smokin’ your sorry little dinkie.” Artest continued blabbering until Bowen retorts, “Dude, if I want to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.”

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.” “No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

Eve: “Do you love me?”
Adam: “Who else?”