FanPost

Game 5 Recap: Another Thrilling Win For The San Antonio Warriors


Game 5, Vs. Houston: Spurs 124-121 (OT)     (Record 4-1)          RAGE: 0

You'll forgive me if I'm a little ornery tonight. I've spent the past week writing about 21,000 more words about a terrible football team than I would if I didn't get paid to do so. Each month it gets more difficult and I find more and distractions and my procrastination levels reach new heights (depths?). I can feel the motivation sapping out of my body like a particularly sticky poop.

Whenever I finish an issue I tell myself, "It won't be like that next month. I'm gonna get on top of it sooner so I won't have to kill myself."

And each month it gets worse. I keep pushing it more and more to deadline. I keep finding a new answer to the question, "What is the fewest number of days I can commit to this month's issue while not doing a *completely* half-assed job?"

Apparently the current answer is seven. Maybe the next month it will be six. Eventually there will come a time where I will write, "All running plays and no passing plays makes Alex Smith a bad boy" over and over again until I hit my word count. It's coming.

I keep telling myself the problem is that I'm writing for a dated publication, where whatever I put out there will be three weeks old by the time anyone gets it in their mailbox.  I  tell myself that I receive almost no feedback from my bosses and that I have no idea how many people, if any, actually subscribe to this thing. I tell myself I would do a better job if they paid more.

Honestly I don't know if I want to know the answers to any of those questions.

I need to find a better job.

If that wasn't enough, I keep finding things that annoy me everywhere I look. I thought the Giants winning the World Series would put me in a better mood, and it did for like a minute, but I've been so stressed out with work that I haven't had the time to properly appreciate it. Maybe in January.

For one thing, I was at my mom's house doing laundry the other day and she asked how dinner with my dad and his new family went, specifically mentioning my step-sister. I paraphrased a joke by Brian Posehn, one of my favorite comedians, and told her that it's annoying to be near my step-sister because she's so unattainably hot that it physically makes me angry. Mom comes back with, "I know, I can't believe you wrote that about thing about her."

Uh, what thing, mom?

"You know, on that Spurs thing you write for. You put it up on Facebook."

You read that?

"I skim through it."

That's absolutely horrifying. Good thing Aysegul hates sports.

Then there was this Facebook gem from idiot-boy Roh, a simpleton of unfathomable proportions whom I can't get to stop being friends with me no matter how much I ask:

So what's the big deal with horse racing? It's just a 4 ft midget wearing a bright girly outfit whipping a horse around a track for 1 lap.

As one would expect, some kind soul (definitely not me) patiently replies to him...

"You can bet on said midget-driven quadrupeds."

Here's Roh's reply...

"ah the gambling rationalization."

Ah the gambling rationalization? Ah the gambling rationalization?

YOU GOD DAMN BOX TURTLE! THAT'S THE WHOLE EFFING REASON FOR THE EXISTENCE OF THE SPORT. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GAMBLING. THERE IS NO OTHER REASON. ::STAB STAB STAB I HATE YOU DIE DIE DIE::

It's like asking, "Why do guys like strip clubs, what's the point?"

"Well, really hot chicks get naked like inches away from you and for a reasonable sum of money they rub their privates on your privates and their boobs on your face."

"Ah the naked hot girls rubbing their privates rubbing on your privates and their boobs on your face for a reasonable sum of money rationalization."

One day I am going to prison for doing something violent to Roh. It's fait accompli.

Finally, I did something I rarely do while working the other night. I heard Giants closer Brian Wilson was going to be on The Tonight Show, so I tuned in. It turned out I was mistaken and that Wilson would be on the next night, so accidentally I discovered a band (well not really a band, more like a musical act, even though that doesn't seem like an accurate description either) called "Far East Movement."

Here you go...

Far East Movement - Like A G6 - The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (via dorik28)

As Mr. Leno said, THIS IS THE #1 SONG IN THE COUNTRY.

Really, America? Really? I mean, I get that the girl is smokin'. I totally would not kick her out of bed. But I defy anyone here to tell me this isn't one of the ten stupidest songs ever recorded, including all of Tony Parker's raps. Is this what we've lowered ourselves to as a country? THEY'RE JUST MAKING UP WORDS BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO LAZY TO FIND ONES THAT RHYME.

See? Compared to all that the Spurs defense isn't all that troublesome.

But yeah, it's still pretty awful. The Rox were without their best player (Yao) for the whole game, their third best player (Aaron Brooks) for half the game and their fourth best player (Kevin Martin) for about a third of the game. The Spurs on the other hand were missing Matt Bonner (ankle) and James Anderson (baby), plus their usual handicaps with Manu (old), Tim (slow) and Tony (French). You'd think this would've been an easy dub.

 

Ha.

No, instead we needed Courtney Lee to brick two late free throws (revenge for Elliott in '95, Rockets, who's laughing now?) late and for somebody named Ishmael Smith - who DOES NOT look particularly Amish to me - to miss a bunch of shots in overtime because absolutely no one else would for Houston.

The Spurs played exactly *one* quarter of defense in this one and did not deserve to win in any shape or form. Their bench made last year's bench look like the '96 Bulls starters. Gary Neal? Awful. Tiago? Mostly awful. Hill and Dice? Awful on defense.

And the starters... holy shit fellas, at least look like you give a damn out there. Whatever improvements Richard Jefferson has made on offense has not carried over to the other side of the court like we were hoping. He's still a sieve, just like he was with the Bucks. His rotations are crap. I don't know if I've ever seen so many open three point shooters in my life. Not only did Shane Battier knock down two long balls on RJ, but he drove past him for two (TWO!) layups. Battier averages like two layups a month.

Tony and Manu weren't fighting through screens at all and kept gambling for backside steals like they're LeBron and Wade. Trust me guys, no matter how many you swipe, you're not gonna get "The Spurs Index" on ESPN.com. It ain't happening. Tim was a statue, content to let Houston dominate him on the glass for second chances. None of the bigs looked like they had any idea who Luis Scola was or that he can make wide open 16-footers.

In a way, I can understand their thought progression.

1. Our organization drafted that guy.

2. Our organization is supposed to be smart.

3. Surely, if they thought he was any good at all they would've kept him.

4. Therefore he must not be any good.

Just an abomination defensively, letting Lee and Battier and Chuck Hayes whup your tails for an entire fourth quarter on the road. That shouldn't happen even if you're up 25, which the starters apparently thought they were until looking up at the scoreboard and realizing it was 113-109 Houston with 1:23 to go.

The Spurs' lone saving grace, besides the choke jobs from Lee and Smith late, was their outside shooting, especially from the long two, which was uncommonly good. Tony (4-of-7), Manu (5-of-7), Dice (4-of-6), Hill (2-of-2) and RJ (2-of-4) were a combined 17-of-26 (65.3%) on perimeter jumpers by my count, though I'm fully aware that whatever resemblance that ESPN's shot chart has to reality is purely coincidental.

I've never been a proponent of the long two, I consider it the sacrifice bunt of the basketball world, a tool that's outlived its usefulness by at least a decade and something that only a dinosaur would still advocate. But when Manu knocks 'em down, especially with nine seconds to go in the friggin' game, then suddenly I don't hate them as much.

Will an over-reliance on the long two by this team lead to certain doom? Without a doubt. But it's moot anyway since our defense is so terrible anyway that it really doesn't matter in the long run if we start losing games by 10 or 30. Literally the only good thing about this game, besides the shooting and the fortune we had in avoiding the injuries the Rockets suffered, was that our turnovers were relatively low compared to our recent games. Tony and Manu had eight of our 11, and guess what, boys and girls? Your guards tend to have more turnovers when they have to initiate the offense on every possession since you have no low post game to speak of.

Hey Timmy ::winks::

Y'all can give the team credit for fighting back and persevering and all that mumbo jumbo if you want, but I'm not gonna. I repeat: Four of the five guys on the floor for Houston down the stretch were Chuck Hayes, Shane Battier, Courtney Lee and Ishmael Smith. That's god damn awful.

On the bright side, it was a win, and one less we'll have to get in April, when we're fighting for that eighth seed and certain annihilation by the Lakers.

Your Three Stars (Such as they were):

3. Antonio McDyess - His jumper looked better and at least he grabbed 10 boards in 35 minutes. We're playing him way too much already.

2. Manu Ginobili - Brilliant early (sweet dunk!), then bad, then brilliant again, then bad, some juevos grandes late, then dog tired in overtime, and then he did a Manu Ginobili thing on defense to win the game and made some free throws. We're playing him way too much already.

1. Tony Parker - When I dog a guy's selfishness and defense as much as I do and he comes up with 14 assists and 5 steals, I'm contractually obligated to make him the first star. Huge in overtime. We're playing him too much already.

Up Next: Monday @ Charlotte (1-5). A road game against old pals Nazr Mohammad, crazy-ass Stephen Jackson and Larry Brown. The Bobcats usually don't score a ton (in fact they're dead last at 90.0 points per game) but Jackson and Gerald Wallace are bad match-ups for us and I'm sure we'll let that fat French bastard Boris Diaw score 30 too as long as he lets Timmy get his, so it should be another tough one that comes down to the wire. It would be nice if the bench showed up considering I'm not so sure how inspired the starters will be playing on a Monday afternoon in a gym populated almost entirely by the Bobcats' families and mistresses. We do have a considerable advantage at point guard, however, so no RAGE credit for a win. Also, I would appreciate it if between now and then we practiced some defense, but who the hell am I to tell Tim Duncan he doesn't deserve to watch Jay Cutler throw four interceptions tomorrow?

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