Hello denizens of PtR, you thought I was gone didn't you? Happy to be rid of the Kaiser of Sunkist weren't you? Well you can't keep a good Kaiser down! After a long offseason of me
being overly lazy and caught up in video games I mean, hanging with my girlfriend (9 months strong!), I mean having an epic quest of awesomeness, I have returned!
So I shall now attempt to recollect my epic odyssey of my departure and return. Prepare for the bizarre.
My grand ship, the Orange Wave, sailed through the foamy orange sea. I had just slain the Pepsi Squid with my valiant Sunkist Sailors, and was heading home. Out of nowhere, a massive Mountain Dew storm came from nowhere and blew my ship horribly off course.
I estimated my ship to have been adrift near the coast Arginobilitina. We had to dock and make a run for supplies. This would be a difficult task as powerful warrior tribes would be awaiting my travels through their jungles in search of food and wood for repairs. The Oberto tribe welcomed me with great hostility. The long-haired giants would become peaceful once I offered a drink of orange tranquility.
However the next tribe would prove most formidable. The Ginos ambushed from nowhere with blazing speed and serpent-like agility. My crew, blinded by their bald spots, were quickly surrounded. It was all I could do to fight them back with my shape-shifting beard and Sunkist Saber. The Ginos offered me the supplies I needed as I showed them the fine art of extracting Sunkist Sap from the Orange Palm Tree.
So from Arginobilitina I sailed with new friends and a repaired ship. However, things wouldn't go smoothly. A group of crafty saboteurs had followed us from Arginobilitina. Known as the Parkettes, they proceeded to race throughout the ship raiding my Sunkist kegs. Such crimes are equal to mutiny. My beard successfully entangled them as they attempted to race past, and I proceeded to dump them into the orange sea.
Hoping I had seen the end of it all, I would find myself in yet another grim situation. The Mountain Dew storm arrived again. Just as it was about to hit, I concocted a brilliant plan. I ordered the crew to turn the cannons toward the storm and load them with the Sunkist kegs. In a desperate move, I ordered my crew to fire.
The chain reaction of pure Sunkist energy against the Mountain Dew hurricane force resulted in the creation of the internet, chainsaws, the birth of Mr. T, the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, a time rift known as the 80's, the creation of Communism, the event of the first Super Bowl, the creation of the Ford automobile company, the founding of the Pistols for Pandas (Homestar reference) organization and a monsoon of the purest Sunkist. Basking in the sweet orange rain, my crew pointed towards land.
The Orange Wave docked its orange stained elm body in America. With the newly found internet, I was able to return to Pounding the Rock at last. My long odyssey finally over (currently hosting a bidding war for the movie rights and TV spin-off), I can now relax and knock back can after can of my sweet orange nectar with you fine folks.
So what have I missed over my great journey? Any new lexicon stuff? Any inside jokes i should know so i won't be lost? What Spurs news has there been? And how have you all been as of late? I've missed my family at PtR and am here to say I'll be back for a good long while. However I may be absent as I do work as a moderator/front page author on the Raiders SBNation site (yay me!)
Drink Sunkist and be merry!
So says your resident Sunkist KA1Z3R.
P.S. Kids don't play wit' too many knives
An Important Rap by Crack Stuntman (via angi8inek)