Fanpost For Things That Are [ED]Reallly Awesome: Matthew Powell Tribute Edition

Matthew Powell is leaving: That is most decidedly NOT fucking awesome. Still, I have a feeling he wouldn't want us to grieve in the wake of his departure. Matthew Powell was, and will always be, fucking awesome.

How Fucking Awesome Is He!? Just read these fucking awesome testimonials from people that fucking KNOW HIM!

"Well, the one thing I think of when I think of Matthew Powell, is that one time when we got trapped in a collapsed tunnel. I was really scared, and wasn't sure we were gonna make it out alive. I mean, all we had with us were the office supplies we had been going door to door with, trying to sell. Well, long story short, I started having panic attacks and hyperventilating like a hibernating bear with a clogged artery. Matthew set about finding a way for us to escape using only the stuff we had with us. It was a struggle, but sure enough, three rubber bands, five paperclips, two staplers, and one pencil sharpener later, he had made enough C4 to blow us right the heck out of that tunnel. Matthew just sort of walked off into the sunset after that, but I want him to know that, wherever he is, he really changed my life. Thank You, Matthew."    

                                                                                                                      -MacGyver

Verdict: Ingenuity and Life Saving Skillz: Fucking Awesome!

"I remember when I was a small boy in Austria, I was constantly picked on because I was so tiny. I was bullied, and worse yet, girls didn't like me. Every day when I would walk to school, I would hear things like: "There goes the girly man", and "Don't take your shirt off! There might be a flabberlanche!" I didn't have many friends, so I had nobody to tell how much these words hurt me. Then, one day, I was walking back from school and the local bullies started to chase me and throw rocks. I ran around the corner into an alleyway and ran right into a brick wall. When I got up though, I discovered that it was no brick wall, but a man! He had the most impressive physique I had ever seen, even to this day. He picked me up and put me on his shoulder, and then proceed to stomp the bullies into the ground. I didn't care that this was a full grown man beating up small children. I wanted this kind of power. When it was all over, he set me down and told me that if I wanted everything he had and more, I had to start pumping iron at the local gym. Rest assured, I was never the same. Thank You, Matthew. You helped me terminate my insecurities!"

                                                                                                            -Ahhhhhhhhhnold

Verdict: Hot Physique: Fucking Awesome!

"Well, Matthew came into my life at a point when I was just really down in the dumps. I had been through a rough breakup, and my self esteem was really low. He showed me, among other things (wink), that I was beautiful in mind as well as body. I had never been loved by a man so truly and completely. I only wish that his Warrior Spirit hadn't made him so restless. It seemed like no matter how much I yearned for his touch, he yearned for the battle more. It's been years since I've seen him, and I'm married now. My husband and I have a beautiful child and a good life, but I would give it all up to spend one more day with him. Matthew, if you read this, I still love you, and will always be yours alone."

                                                                                                             -Jessica Alba

Verdict: Lover AND Fighter: Fucking Awesome!

"When they came to me and asked me what I remember most about Matthew Powell, I was initially shocked. Not that I had been asked about him, but that I had been asked to cite simply ONE thing. I thought about it long and hard, and then it hit me! I wouldn't have even been in this kind of position if it weren't for Matthew. I mean, just thinking about the life I had made for myself... None of it would've been possible without that chance meeting we had back in college. I had been unhappy with how things were turning out, as far as school was concerned, and my unhappiness was slowly carrying over into my passion. I had been trying to design a newer kind of coffee bean grinder, and things hadn't been working out the way I'd envisioned. I was just about ready to give up when, out of sheer despair, I threw one of my components out of my window. That's when I met him. Apparently, in my rage, I hadn't checked to see if I'd given my throw the proper trajectory, and I ended up hitting Matthew right in the melon! Well, you could color me shocked when I discovered that he wasn't angered in the slightest. In fact, he turned out to be sort of a techie himself. We talked for a bit about things and, before long, he ended up showing me that my true talent lay elsewhere. We set the groundwork in place for a new operating system that day. I wanted to call it Hot Sex, but Matthew suggested I call it Windows, after the window I threw my component out of. Fast forward almost thirty years later, and I'm just completely indebted to him. Matthew, my fortune is your fortune. Have your people call mine."

                                                                                                                            -Bill Gates

Verdict: Tech Savvy: Fucking Awesome!

"A lot of people have really come down on me over the past year or so. They say I "tainted the game" or whatever. The things is, all of these haters are so quick to just ASSUME I used steroids or HGH or what have you, to get better, that they never just asked me. I mean, I'm a fucking human being, man! I've got feelings, just the same as you. The only difference is, I'm rich. But money doesn't change the fact that people can still put a few chinks in this knight's armor, so to speak. They said such rotten things about me, and all they had to do was ask. I guess I kind of brought some of this on myself though, what with my stand-offish attitude and all. I feel like, given this new platform, I should finally just come clean. I had recently cheated on my wife for the thirtieth time or so, and for some reason, I just felt terrible about this one. Guilt ridden, I decided to take a walk. I didn't really know where I was going, and I probably should've worn something reflective at the very least. It was dark outside, and I was walking around a blind corner when POW! I got hit by a truck. I was laying on the ground, thinking that this was divine retribution for my infidelities. As I was making peace with the fact that my career, and probably my life were over, I discovered that I hadn't been hit by a truck at all. This guy, I didn't know who at the time, had been out for a jog, and had just SLAMMED right into me. He apologized as he helped me. He had a cell phone on him and rang for the paramedics, but then realized that they wouldn't make it in time. He sutured my wounds and gave me a blood transfusion right on the spot. I can't overstate how much better I felt literally RIGHT THAT SECOND. I mean, I got up and WALKED home. The man had introduced himself as Matthew before continuing on with his jog. Anyways, the next day, at BP, I was just straight ripping these balls into the stands! I mean, I knew I was good then, but now? Forget about it, son. The rest is just history. Matthew... Where do I start? Thanks buddy... 756 was all for you..."

                                                                                                                         -Barry Bonds

Verdict: Probably Superhuman Blood: Fucking Awesome!

"Matthew stole both my and Jason's women when we went to Mexico last year. I have to admit, I was pretty mad at that. Mad enough to where I let it affect my game. I mean, who does that to a guy? Especially when that guy is me!? Still, I've had a lot of time to think about what happened, and I feel like I kind of allowed it to happen, you know? I mean, who am I to think I could just show up at one of the most romantic vacation spots in the world and not expect the possibility that somebody THAT jaggedly handsome and debonair might also be there, too? I couldn't get it off my mind that next week to be sure, and I ended up taking my girl back, because I never did have much self esteem anyways. I just got really good at hiding it behind my boyishly enthusiastic smile and backwards hats...  Still, I learned a valuable lesson, and anytime that happens, I guess you can only be mad at yourself... Thanks for teaching me about my own limits and destructability..."

                                                                                                                            -Tony Romo

Verdict: Jet Setting Womanizer: Fucking Awesome!

"Matthew, the next time you're in the Big Apple, I still owe you for taking that trip down to Mexico. Never could've pulled that one out without you. Thanks again, bro!"

                                                                                                                            -Eli Manning

Verdict: International Espionage: Fucking Awesome!

"All I have to say about that A-Hole is that I'm glad he's gone. I mean, I'm a freaking nationally syndicated frontrunner that generally has nothing useful to say, and this pissant upstart comes along and starts raining on my parade. Let's forget for a second that nobody cares about the Spurs. I mean, the only the thing anybody likes about that team is how much they love to hate them. But I digress... Matthew Powell, I hate your stinking guts! You are scuuuuuuum between my toes! Go Sawx! Go Pats! SportsGuy Out!"

                                                                         -Bill Simmons (as dictated to The SportsGal)

Verdict: Inspiring Deep Seeded Hatred Through Insecurity Towards Personal Inadequacy: Fucking Awesome!

"I mean, let's forget for a second all the allure surrounding just the name. People hear that name, and they think greatness. Opposing players hear that name, and they get nervous. Let's forget all about that. The only thing you need to remember about this guy is that no other athlete in his or her respective field, has the ability to single handedly dominate and change the outcome of a game like Kobe can. And- huh? We're not talking about Kobe? Matthew Powell? Who the fuck is that? Whatever..."

                                                                                                                      -J.A. Adande

Verdict: Ability to Get Adande To Mention Someone Other Than Kobe Or Lebron: Fucking Awesome!

"He STILL needs to try Jim Jim's Water Ice..." 

                                                                                                                          -Tomasito

Verdict: Non-conformity in the Face Of Severe Brand Loyalty: Fucking Awesome!

"He came to my funeral!!!!"

                                                                                                                            -Michael Finley

Verdict: If Not Actual Affection, Then Respect For (Un)Dead Homies: Fucking Awesome!

"BILLY MAYS HERE FOR MATTHEW POWELL! I DON'T THINK IT'S ANY SECRET THAT MOST OF US ARE TIRED OF THE ALSO RAN BLOGGING THAT'S GOING ON IN THE SPORTS JOURNALISM UNIVERSE. BY NOW, THE CHOICES ARE EITHER THAT, OR BIASED INEPTITUDE FROM THE LARGE MARKET SPORTS SITES. THAT'S WHY I'M HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT MATTHEW POWELLS!! JUST INSERT A MATTHEW POWELL INTO ANY BLOG OR SITE, AND WATCH AS THE SUBJECT MATTER BECOMES INFINITELY MORE TOLERABLE! NOTICE A HIKE IN FEMALE SITE TRAFFIC, A DIRECT RESULT OF HIS PERSONAL CHIVALRY! WHY, YOU MIGHT BE ASKING YOURSELF THIS VERY SECOND "JUST HOW SPECIAL IS THIS MATTHEW POWELL?" WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, I HAD TO KILL AND EAT THE SHAM WOW GUY JUST TO BE ABLE TO SELL THIS GUY. ME?! BILLY FUCKING GODDAMNED MAYS!! I COULD SELL CRACKROCK TO A NUN! BUY THIS GUY NOW! NOW!!!!! WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING AT YOUR COMPUTER!?!?! GO!!!!!!"

Verdict: Billy Fucking Goddamned Mays is Hawking You: Fucking Awesome! 

So you see, Matthew. It wasn't just all of us here at PtR that thought, and will continue to think that you're fucking awesome. I'm relatively new here, at least out of all us guys that have been around prior to the influx of newbies who already no doubt appreciated you. That doesn't change anything though. I take my (real) writing very seriously, and from one to another, I respect your skill with the written word, and will miss it around here.

Scrappy "Justin Biehle" Doo: PtR Grammar Maestro, out!