Stampler's Exhaustive Spurs-Nuggets Recap

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Pop: Gee whiz Kenny, what the fuck do I have to say to get ejected so I can take the night off too? How about if I tell you I did your wife? You see me pointing to her in the stands? Yeah, I'm totally boning her. She can't get enough of this beard. There, will that do it? Can I go to my room now?

Ken Mauer: Well if I eject you, wouldn't you just go sleep with her again while I'm stuck here reffing this stupid game? Screw you, Pop, you're stuck here.

Pop: Oh god dammit.

(AP Photo/David Zalubowski)

Nuggets 104, Spurs 96 SA: 33-15 (1st in Southwest)

I'm going to put as much effort into recapping the game as Tim, Manu, Tony, Fin, and most importantly, Pop put in to win it.

And I will do so in the Japanese form of Haiku:

Pop sat the big three

Made smartass comments to press

Hairston didn't suck

There, I'm done. That was your recap. And if any of you bastards call me lazy, just remember that I'm at least as vital to your enjoyment of the Spurs as Findog is (if not more so) and if he can take the game off, then so can I.

However, just so I won't completely waste your time, here's something I call

"The 2009 NBA All-Star Game if John Hollinger Ran the World"

We're going to choose both rosters strictly by using PER.

First here are the actual rosters:

East Starters: Overall PER Conf. PER Rank by Position

F Kevin Garnett Bos 18 2

F LeBron James Cle 1 1

C Dwight Howard Orl 4 1

G Dwyane Wade Mia 3 1

G Allen Iverson Det 98 22

One of these is not like the other. By my count Iverson is the 22nd ranked guard in the Eastern conference in PER. Unfortunately fans vote for starters. At least they got four out of five right, sort of (will explain below).

East Reserves:

F Danny Granger Ind 19 3

F Rashard Lewis Orl 50 8

F Paul Pierce Bos 53 9

F-C Chris Bosh Tor 13 2*

G Devin Harris NJ 14 2

G Joe Johnson Atl 54 11

G Jameer Nelson Orl 20 3

The East is calling Bosh a center to suit their roster needs. He deserves to be on the team, but not at a position he doesn't truly play. There is as another bigman East of the Mississippi who belongs in Phoenix.That issue aside, there are three glaring mistakes on the East bench. Toss in AI and four of the twelve "Stars" are frauds.

West Starters:

F Tim Duncan SA 6 1

F Amare Stoudemire Phx 21 6

C Yao Ming Hou 10 1

G Kobe Bryant LA 5 2

G Chris Paul NO 2 1

As with Iverson the voters chose one guy in the starting lineup who doesn't belong but they got the other four right.

West Reserves:

F Pau Gasol LA 16 5

F Dirk Nowitzki Dal 9 3

F David West NO 55 15

C Shaquille O'Neal Phx 15 2

G Chauncey Billups Den 33 7

G Tony Parker SA 17 5

G Brandon Roy Por 8 3

Only one glaring error here, though Billups also is getting by more on reputation than merit. The guy has struggled to shoot above 40% his whole career and has made his living by being fortunate enough to be playing with other talented players.

Now let's look at the real deserving rosters:

Eastern Starters

F Chris Bosh Tor 13 2

F LeBron James Cle 1 1

C Dwight Howard Orl 4 1

G Dwyane Wade Mia 3 1

G Devin Harris NJ 14 2

Harris, who has been a revelation in New Jersey, has made a mockery of his trade for Jason Kidd and is more of a true point guard than AI anyway. The East could use his pressuring defense on Paul to take away his lobs and pick-and-rolls to the West's many dominating bigs. Bosh is a power forward and he, unlike Garnett, is his team's main option.

Eastern Reserves

F Kevin Garnett Bos 18 3

F Danny Granger Ind 19 4

F Antawn Jamison Was 28 5

C Zydrunas Ilgouskas Cle 31 2

G Jameer Nelson Orl 20 3

G Vince Carter NJ 21 4

G Jose Calderon Tor 36 5

G Rajon Rondo Bos* 38 6

It's not Jamison's fault the rest of his team is beat up and awful; he's having the 2nd best season of his career and has had more consistent performances than Pierce or Lewis, both of whom can afford to have off-games playing with so many talented teammates. Ilgouskas has always been a quality player and gives whiny Cleveland fans a second Cav on the roster. Calderon is shooting 50% from the field, 45% from three and has missed only one FT the whole year, while continuing to keep his assists-to-turnover ratio at an elite level for a Toronto team short on swingmen. Carter's outperformed Johnson and Boston's Ray Allen and seems to have embraced a leadership role in NJ away from Kidd's shadow. With Nelson hurt for the rest of the year, Rondo gives the Celtics a truly deserving second player and he's been their only indispensable guy all season long.

Western Starters

F Tim Duncan SA 6 1

F Dirk Nowitzki Dal 9 3

C Yao Ming Hou 10 1

G Kobe Bryant LA 5 2

G Chris Paul NO 2 1

Carlos Boozer has the 2nd highest PER among Western forwards, but he's barely played and still injured. Dirk therefore takes his spot as the next highest guy and he's more of a small forward than Amare anyway.

Western Reserves

F Al Jefferson Min 12 3

F Pau Gasol LA 16 5

F Amare Stoudemire* 22 6

C Shaquille O'Neal Phx 15 2

G Brandon Roy Por 8 3

G Manu Ginobili SA 11 4

G Tony Parker SA 17 5

Jefferson is a far, far better player than David West and we can't use the "he doesn't play defense" excuse to exclude him because neither does West. It's really a joke he made the squad over so many more deserving forwards. Speaking of defensive liabilities, Amare gets in as the injury replacement for Boozer. I despite The Big Mumble, but he has had a pretty good year for his age and deserves his spot (man, all these guys suck out loud defensively). Roy has made "the leap" this year as Simmons would put it and his spot is secure. Tony's been the second best Western point guard all season so no complaints there. Finally, we gotta give Manu some love and let him sneak in as the 5th guard, for three reasons: A) He got hosed last year B) Billups wasn't even in the Western Conference the whole season and hasn't even been as good as Jason freakin' Terry and C) Manu's way more entertaining and unpredictable than Billups.

Seriously, name one memorable Billups play in his whole career. What exciting thing is he gonna do in Phoenix, make some three pointer? Oooh, I never saw that before. Manu might try to complete a pass through the entire Eastern front line, he might try to cram one on LeBron's head, he might swat Herp Wade again just to show the first one wasn't a fluke, or he might even take a charge. Imagine if he took a charge on like KG. The Big Ticket would go ballistic, and flip out. He'd scream, "I HATE THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!" to the refs, who in turn would have to decide whether to "T" him up or not. Now that'd be an All-Star game I'd like to watch.

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