FanPost

THE LEGEND OF BLAIR… A TRUE TEXAN TALL TALE

This is the real story of how the legend of Blair came to be.

From his humble beginnings to the annals of NBA history…

 

 

The baby descended from a lost tribe in Africa that inhabited Mt. Kilimanjaro, the Nephilim.

The Nephilim were on the earth in those days – when the sons of God went to the daughters of men and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown. (His father was an immortal who took a human wife)

 

It was said that when his mother was conceiving, she had a craving for mammoth meat. So when the baby was born, the baby’s cry was like the collective blaring of wooly mammoths on a rampaging stampede. The midwife sadly went deaf . From that point on, he was called Blair.

 

On the day of his christening. the greatest powerful freakin' (PF) sorcerer ever Merlin prophesied that the baby is “The Chosen One” who will establish a new version of cball called bball that would lead to the formation of the National Blair Association. He was given the name “DEJUAN”. (Btw, cball is coconutball, invented by Naismith to lessen bloody tribal warfare).

 

The chiefs of the other 29 tribes had a blast at this and preferred to listen to the dire pronouncements of their own witch doctors. This was later on re-enacted on camera, making a killing on box-office, “The Blairwitch project” (screaming like a tween out of nothin really). This incident caused the baby to have a chip on his ginormous shoulders. He swore to get even one day…

 

One midday morning his biological mother left him in his crib to gather coconuts by just reaching up even without climbing. It's from her, he inherited his wingspan. While baby Blair was sleeping soundly, the dreaded black mamba that has killed many infant giants slithered in. But before it can sink its deadly pangs, the baby's monstrous right hand (the left was ripping open a coconut) went into action. He grabbed it by the neck and shook it gleefully, mistaking it for his toy rattle. Luckily for the snake, the mom came back and took it away from the baby's deathly grasp. Lo and behold, the mamba turned into a purple and yellow worm - the first gay creature. The yellow and purple stripped worm had to go into Zen therapy with Dr. Phil who celebrated its gayness.

 

As soon as the baby could crawl, he was taught how to play cball with his giant cousins. The little runt made up for the size differential with his great leaping ability, big hands, long arms and nose for the ball. He would leap on the tree tops with a single bound to dunk the ball in with the shout, “It’s Clobberin' Time!” Some local artists rendered this on cave walls which molded over time. It was discovered in modern times and translated into comics hence incredible hulk (blair’s baby pix).

 

Because of too much tribal wars, God saw how great man's wickedness on earth has become. So the Lord said, I will wipe man off the face of the earth – but “The Admiral” found favor in the eyes of the Lord. He was instructed to build an ark and put two pairs of each creature. So it rained for forty days and forty nights. Everyone of the Nephilim tribe perished, except for little Blair for he had an inborn floatation behind. (His biological father had to withdraw into space for it was the Head honcho’s call)

 

After the waters had subsided, The Admiral opened the doors of the ark to let go of the animals in what is now America. The Baby Blair also washed up on its shores. Some hungry hyenas found the infant Blair thinking they had a free meal. When the babe heard the hyenas' laugh, he remembered how the 29 chiefs mocked him and got so pissed that it formed a lake that drowned the poor hyenas. The lake is now called Lake Arthur (in Greater Pittsburgh area). This is where the lady of the lake appeared to King Arthur and instructed him to drink thereby gaining the strength to pull up the sword Excalibur. Because of the water's unworldly power, it's been diluted in 1 is to 10 gazillion parts water and now sold as your energy/sports drink called gatorine short for alligator’s urine and endorsed by MJ (a stronger brew was called Red pee).

 

Fortunately, the orphan was found by panthers who took a liking to the youngin and raised him as their own cub. The infant grew strong, suckling on his mother panther's bosom. It was his adoptive mom who taught him how to hunt. At an early age, he developed a liking for tearing games from limb to limb such as Mammoth, saber tooth, TREX, ad infinitum. He felt like an animal, so he killed.

 

One day while out on the field, the baby came across the great man-killing Grizzly Bear. And the great death match was on. They fought for one whole season (NBA time) which was just a couple of minutes in immortal years. The young child would pound the bear like some rag doll which eventually broke all its limbs. This scene will be replayed numerous times in the future NBA. Finally after getting tired of playin, the kid grabbed hold of the grizzly under his arms and turned it into ground beef. Later some nasty punk tribe of mohawks found it, fried it and called it burger (roughly translated, “from Blair's armpits comes bear grounded”). To commemorate this event the place was named Pittsburgh.  Later on, when the University formed their team, they named it in honor of Blair’s adoptive mother. 

 

The legend continues...

 

(Now you can continue the adventures of Blair. Using your fertile imagination, add stories of his exploits referencing his prodigious talents and background. Like how he gained revenge over the 29 other tribes whose memory still lingered. Also, how he encountered Pop, Manu. TP, Bowen, etc. Add in the comments.)  

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