When I look in the mirror, I can't believe what I see.

Tell me, who's that funky dude, staring back at me?

"Funky?"  I'm the least funky person you know, Rivers.  I'm 31, bald, plainly-bearded, divorced, have a M.S. in structural engineering from Berkeley and just started pharmacy school at UT-Austin.  I am as funkless as I am (occasionally) feckless.  I am the anti-funk.  Though I do have a suede couch.  Holla.

Broken, beaten down can't even get around
Without an old-man cane, I fall and hit the ground

Oh piss the hell off, Rivers.  I'm just sore from playing flag football.  Yeah, I know, yesterday I had trouble walking at a brisk pace.  All that sprinting messed up my "I'm-used-to-running-at-moderate-to-slow-speeds-for-long-periods-of-time" leg muscles.  And yes, I nearly ripped my both of my big toenails off due to cleats that were a half-size too small and toenails that I guess needed trimming.  And yes, I'm older than all but 2 of the 125 people in my class, but I don't walk with a cane.  So blow me.

Excuse the bitchin, I shouldn't complain
I should have no feeling, 'cause feeling is pain

I'll hand it to you, Rivers, you got this part right.  I shouldn't complain.  My life is easy.  But I don't think I bitch all that much, except to my therapist.  But I pay him, so that's different.  God, I would kill for some rigatoni right now.  You ever feel that way, Rivers?  Like you would kill for pasta?

Everything I need, is denied me
And everything i want, is taken away from me
But who do I got to blame? Nobody but me

Speaking of my therapist, have you been talking to him?  'Cause I do blame myself for everything.  Right again, old chap.

…And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor

ok, you lost me hear.  I don't dance.  I've never danced.  Once, at the eighth grade dance, I did a single jumping jack on the dance floor as a joke.  And that fucker Jimmy Redacted never let me live it down.  Cocksucker, that one.  That and the fact my upper and lower extremities are separated by a derhythmatized zone have rendered me danceless.  And you know this, Rivers.  You know this.

Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the Good Life

Dude, whatever.  Even if I ever did or could, you know I am not the type of guy to talk about it.

It's time i got back, it's time i got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track

Actually, I do know how I got off track.  I'm in therapy, remember?  We talk about these things.  Maybe you should stick to writing songs about yourself.  And maybe it was more like 3 jumping jacks, but he still could have let it go.

I wanna go back…Yeah!

Everyone wants to go back.  Everyone.  You sing it like it's a weakness in me.  If you don't want to go back it means you've never been any place worth staying, and that's much more damning that pining for the past.  I miss a little bit of many times of my life.  You wouldn't know which parts I'm talking about because you never really listen.  You're too busy writing the same song over and over again.  ok.  I'm sorry Rivers.  That was mean.

Screw this crap, I've had it! (I've had it!) I ain't no Mr. Cool.

Yes!  You got that God damn right, Rivers.  I ain't no Mr. Cool.  Who gives a shit?  Right now I don't.  Some time tomorrow I will.  Multitudes and such.  One day I'll get to Whitman, I promise.  And Hemingway.  I've never read Hemingway.  I know!

I'm a pig, I'm a dog, so 'scuse me if I drool

What?  A pig?  You're just fucking with me, right?

I ain't gonna hurt nobody, ain't gonna 'cause a scene

Yeah, I'm not too fond of hurting people.  It's under the false pretense that if I never hurt any one then I will never get hurt.  Turns out this isn't true.  So it goes.  And yes, I've read that one, Rivers.  God, you are such a condescending prick sometimes.

I just need to admit that I want sugar in my tea.
Hear me!  Hear me!  I want sugar in my tea!

Wait, what?  Could you know think of another word that rhymes with "scene?"  What about "I just need to admit that I have a crush on Charlie Sheen."  Or "I wear Maybelline."  Or "boop boop boo boo weeee!"  And you drink green tea, anyways.  Who puts sugar in green tea?  Oh wait, this is about me... I forgot.  But I don't drink tea.  Never have.  That shit is the gross.