Bill Simmons sucks. If I had a tumor, I would name it Bill Simmons.

by Sabrewulf on May 1, 2008 7:50 PM CDT

The Sports Guy's Latest ...

Maybe the Suns didn't win a championship, but we'll remember them 100 times more fondly than the brutally efficient and hopelessly bland Spurs, who taught everyone over the years that the regular season doesn't matter, transformed the NBA Playoffs into a flopathon, revived the vile and fan-unfriendly Hack-A-Shaq strategy and did everything short of sending Bruce Bowen out on the court with a chain saw and a taser. If the Spurs were the Team of the Decade, no wonder ratings dwindled until the league's big comeback this season. The real shame is that all the mugging, acting, eye-rolling, flopping, rule-bending and hysterical shrugging obscured what should have been remembered as a throwback sports team, a shrewdly assembled roster of well-coached guys who played beautifully together, didn't care about credit and revolved around the best power forward who ever played. Instead, we'll remember them as the team that turned the NBA Playoffs into the World Cup. Congratulations, fellas.

I will now translate, point by point.

1) The Suns never won because teams that I dislike often beat the Suns like red-headed stepchildren ... we're talking game margins of 4-1 or 4-2.

2) Despite this, I still have their balls in my mouth.

3) The team that wins the most games during the regular season should win the championship, right? We should just eliminate the playoffs altogether and give the trophy to the team with the best record, or better yet, the team that I, Bill Simmons, like best.

4) The Spurs punish teams like Phoenix who often lead the league in turnovers and fouls comitted. The Spurs also punish professional players who cannot shoot free throws, a skill many middle school basketball players have mastered.

5) The Spurs are at fault for lowering ratings. Other teams are not at fault for neglecting their fundamentals and getting dominated. I, Bill Simmons, see no connection between the new, league-wide focus on DEFENSE and the extremely competitive '08 playoffs. The Lakers, the Jazz, and my beloved Celtics are contenders because people like them, not because all three teams improved defensively this year.

6) I subconsciously know why the Spurs are good, but I refuse to respect them for it.

7) The Spurs are a slow, dull, boring team. Except for Tony Parker, the most agile and exciting pointguard besides Chris Paul, and Manu Ginobili, the most clutch shooter in the NBA and the most fearless international player to ever dribble a ball. They are not worth watching.

Alright, I'm done emasculating his article. Bill Simmons jumped on the Suns bandwagon years ago because the Celtics weren't any fun to root for, and now he's too stupid to get off.

If you would like to see Bill Simmons humiliated further, go here. http://theenemiesofbillsimmons.blogspot.com/2007_02_01_archive.html

"When doctors circumsized Bill Simmons, they threw away the wrong piece." ~ Me.

Sabre

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Yep, he’s a douche.

Welcome aboard.

Did you know flopping is contagious? Apparently, because the Spurs turned the playoffs into a flop-a-thon and everybody is doing it now. I’m no epidemiologist but the vector on this here epidemic is clear.

by Wayne Vore (ATS) on May 1, 2008 8:00 PM CDT reply actions

i hope the celtics make it to the finals so he can get sick and have technical difficulties again when they lose (like the undeniable pats). not only is the dude completely biased, he has no idea that he’s the only person that does not know it. he’s like the king with no clothes, except there isn’t a cell of royalty in him.

dave mcnulla
spurs fan

by dmcnulla on May 1, 2008 9:27 PM CDT reply actions

I am fine with Simmons’ Boston biases, its how he got this gig, being a fan. I’m also fine with someone not liking flopping and hack-a-shaq.

What I don’t get is why he doesn’t call out Derek Fisher and Raja Bell and Nash and all the countless other players in the playoffs who flop. Oh well.

by JamesR on May 1, 2008 9:34 PM CDT reply actions

Ditto on that JamesR, well said. I’ve always felt the same way- yeah, BS is a douche. Yeah, he’s a homer. I’m fine as well with these things and fine with him pimping out his own theories and own teams (as long as it’s not weekly, which he’s recently grown reliant on). But to completely ignore similar tactics/plays from teams that he roots for? Complete and utter hypocracy, and if he had any journalistic or intellectual credibility left I would say that this behavior hurts it.

Regardless, I stopped reading Simmons long ago because of this type of stuff. If I wanted to read phx or boston based biased editorials, I’d just log onto the Arizona Republic or Boston Globe and read what those clowns have to say. He did lose me long ago after his 74th straight Boston sports column, in spite of his contradictions and ineptitude at objective basketball analysis. Even when his articles are “new” and “general,” he brings nothing insightful or new to the table of ideas and opinions anymore, and is not worth reading. I want to read good writing, and he once had that. Nowadays, I have Powell and Stampler because their writing is infinately better and they promote MY team, but with objective and fair analysis. Bill Simmons is dead to me, and will continue to be.

On the other hand, great post and great thoughts, Sabre!! Welcome to PtR, looking forward to more from you.

by SgtinManusArmy on May 1, 2008 9:59 PM CDT up reply actions

a 1/2 hearted defense for Billy

Simmons is saying what they WILL be remembered for, not what they SHOULD be remembered for. He seems to be saying it’s a shame their good qualities will go unnoticed by many fans

by Gino20 on May 1, 2008 9:52 PM CDT reply actions

nah, hes just a douche

who are you who can summon fire without flint or tinder? there are some who call me ... tim.

by ptruser on May 1, 2008 10:55 PM CDT up reply actions

Ditto ptruser.

by LatinD on May 2, 2008 12:02 AM CDT up reply actions

But I think he is wrong there. They won’t be remembered for that just because some douche who obsesses over the real world, 90210, and the OC wants them to be remembered that way.

by VWolf on May 2, 2008 11:50 AM CDT up reply actions

Please Don't Defend Billy

Gino20, I got the opposite impression. Simmons seems to say the Suns will be remembered as the better team, while the Spurs will be remembered as the team that won. Same argument people in Arizona have been making for years, barely concealed under all the extra adjectives. Subtle as a train wreck, this guy.

In the immortal words of Matt Powell, the better team is the team that won seven games. I personally find winning more entertaining that a few fast breaks … funny thing is, Spurs outscored the suns on fast breaks by about a 20-point margin every game but number 4.

Also, Simmons is not paid to be a fan. He’s paid (too much) to be a sportswriter. Of course, Mark Stein and John Hollinger probably feel lessened by Simmons … sort of like Jack Ramsey when he has to do a broadcast with Stephen A. Smith.

Sabre

PS Manu’s Army and AusTech, thanks for the shoutouts, and yeah, I am a die-hard San Antonio fan. Went to my first game when I was like, 12. Go Spurs.

by Sabrewulf on May 1, 2008 11:03 PM CDT reply actions

I think even the Sons' fans (whose your daddy, PHX?!!!) know who is the better team

I’ve taken a few peeps at the BSotS blog, and I think most PHX fans realize the better team won the series. I think the Spurs took it personally that ppl thought last year’s victory over the Sons was tainted. However, when you beat the team in the playoffs in 5 games in 2005, then meet again in the playoffs and beat them in 6 in ‘07, then again this year in 5, it can’t be coincidence or luck. The Spurs wanted to show last year was no fluke, regardless of suspensions. Case closed (and I finally think MOST ppl recongnize SAS are better than PHX…but a few delusional folks still don’t get it. BTW, we Spurs fans are waaayyy too sensitive about what fans/media/etc. think about our team. Yeah it sucks when they hate us for being boring/floppers/dirty and other ridiculous stuff, but I’ll take the banners and “shiny stuff” anyday.)

Next!

by Gino20 on May 3, 2008 3:51 PM CDT up reply actions

not to defend him as well, but the next paragraph does read:

(Important note: I don’t hate the Spurs nearly that much; I’m trying to work up a proper level amount of hatred for them for the inevitable Celtics-Spurs Finals that’s going to happen unless Doc Rivers screws it up … which is exceedingly possible. The Spurs are a difficult team to dislike but you can do it if you try hard enough. I’ve made some huge strides in the past week. Just indulge me. Thanks.)

i’m not saying he’s not a dick for writing that though, because it just reinforces every negative stereotype associated with the spurs, and will make every moran out there feel vindicated for thinking the same things.

you keep saying a team is boring, flops, cheats, whines enough times (no matter how many times you try to qualify it by saying you sort of don’t mean it), and a lot of people will take it as gospel. thanks bill you tard.

by sleep research facility on May 1, 2008 11:49 PM CDT reply actions

Don’t confuse us with your facts, srf!

by LatinD on May 2, 2008 12:04 AM CDT up reply actions

You know when a PTRer is meant for big things when his first posts lambasts Simmons. Welcome aboard, Sabrewulf.

by LatinD on May 2, 2008 12:03 AM CDT reply actions

I want his job. Only difference between what I write and what he writes and is he gets paid and gets free passes to games. I have to pay.

None of his work should be taken as serious journalism. Not his funny stuff thats a good read or his crappy Spurs hatin – Suns lovin nonsense. Its all bullshit at the end of the day.

by r21x on May 2, 2008 12:12 AM CDT reply actions