I don't think anyone signed up for this one, and for once I actually saw the game, so I thought I'd write it up. Any objections? I didn't hear any, sitting alone in my underwear in front of my computer at 6 a.m., though honestly it would be pretty creepy if someone did manage to object. Besides, I WILL PUT YOU IN THE GROUND if you object.
So the Spurs came out, and they played like gods amongst mortal men. If they had traveled back in time 5000 years and indigenous peoples had witnessed them play this way, they would have immediately begun to build pyramids and temples in their honor. Instead of hieroglyphs, or petroglyphs, we would have Spuroglyphs. Instead of worshipping feathered serpents, they would worship a mighty bearded serpent as their god of wisdom.
He is called "Popovichcoatlus"
Chief among the Spurs' awesomeness was former PtR member Matt Bonner. He hasn't posted much lately since he's busy actually playing in games, but I have it on good authority that he got totally pissed when I said that he wasn't an NBA quality player. He started crying and stuff, and curled up in his room and started to console himself by eating brownies and reading his favorite Archie and Jughead comics. In the back, he saw an ad that reminded him of all of us saying mean things about him:
And so he was like dude, what's Charles Atlas' secret? I got to get me some of that. So it arrived, and he took some, and it increased his awesomeness, but it had the side effect of making him like 15 feet tall. He was like, what the f*ck, I got to get out of the house, because he kept bumping his head on the ceiling and stuff. But he accidentally left some of the Atlas secret stuff out, and his wife took some, and she grew to be like 12 feet tall. Things were totally f*cked up at the Bonner household.
So his wife comes out of the house, and they're standing there, a couple of f*cking giants in the backyard, and they're like, WTF are we going to do? But then Matty has a genius idea and phones up his best friend Chuck Norris. If anyone knows what to do, it'll be Chuck Norris.
So Chuck Norris comes over and coolly assesses the situation like the bad ass motherf*cker that he is. And he's like, I know, I'll roundhouse kick you guys back to the right height (Chuck Norris's solutions ALWAYS involve roundhouse kicks). So he does, and Matty's right back down to 6'10". But the thing is, he still has all the awesomeness of a 15 foot tall Matt Bonner, which, granted, isn't as much awesomeness as a 6'11" Tim Duncan or a 6'6" Manu Ginobili, but it's still pretty f#cking awesome.
So he shows up at the game, and he's grabbing rebounds and knocking down three balls and Pop strokes his beard, takes a sip of ATS's wine using only the awesome power of his mind, and thinks "What happened to Matt Bonner? How did he get so f*cking awesome?" But he accidentally uses the mental channel that he usually uses to telepathically broadcast kick-ass plays to the team, and Bonner hears him, and smiles to Chuck Norris (watching the game on his huge HDTV in the den of his round house) and thinks "that'll be our little secret."
Then the second quarter started, and the Spurs were so far ahead that Pop thought he might get Ian Mahinmi into the game. But Mahinmi had been out late the night before with Tony eating croissants, wearing berets, not bathing, and surrendering to Germans (you know, typical French stuff), and he hadn't studied the playbook and didn't know what the f&ck was going on.
For Tony it didn't matter, 'cause as far as he's concerned there's only one play, and it goes "i dreeble zee ball up zee court, tres vite, and zen I drive at zee basket and throw zee ball off zee glass, zen fall down under zee basket while yelling "hey" in my funny french accent. Sometimes I meess zee layup and my man scores while I am laying on zee ground. Sometimes a funny homme avec un spotte balde asks for zee ball, and I am like, who eez zees man? I do not pass him zee ball, non, because I think eet may be a treeck."
But for Mahinmi it does matter, and he doesn't know a single damn play. You know that one play the Spurs run, where the guard passes to Timmy in the post, and then cuts right next to Tim, and you think there's going to be a handoff and the guard is going to finish with an awesome dunk, but there NEVER EVER is a handoff, and the guard just runs to the opposite corner, leaving you feeling strangely unfulfilled? Like when you're a kid and you're watching the windshield wipers, and they just won't get those little triangles in the corner, and you're like "come on wipers!" Well anyways, Mahinmi DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT PLAY.
I believe that play is called "Four Down"
So he convinces everyone to cover his ass and play super crappy defense so he doesn't have to play. And they do, and the Thunder make a run. It never feels like they're going to catch up, because their best player is Kevin Durant, and he totally sucks. I mean, he may be the 15th worst player in basketball (numbers 14 through 1 being the rest of the players on the Thunder's roster). I think every rookie in the NBA this year is at least six times better, some as much as ten or eleven times better (George Hill is nine times better). But out of nowhere "Jeff Green" (I think that might be an alias for Roger Mason Jr., who Pop told to switch teams just for this game to try to make it more competitive) is throwing in crazy shots as well, and they eventually cut it to four with under a minute to go.
So then they foul Manu intentionally, and he misses BOTH FREE THROWS. The only possible explanation is that he was told by acting president Barack Obama that it was in national security interests to miss the FTs. Really B.O. was just messing with Gino, but the sarcasm gets lost in translation due to the language barrier, so Gino goes ahead and misses them, then the totally sucky Kevin Durant makes another sucky basket, with his sucky left hand, to cut the lead to two.
Obama's Transition Team
Then Obama's like Manu, I'm bombing Argentina unless you pull your head out of your ass and make some free throws. And Manu is like "but you told me to miss the last two!" And Obama's like "I was kidding," and Manu is like "You didn't seem like you were kidding." But then they make up and Obama appoints Manu the special envoy of making and-1s with under 30 seconds to go. Manu confirms the appointment by making an and-1 with under 30 seconds to go.
I must point out made SiMA very angry for no good reason; he claimed Manu should have just dribbled around instead of making a layup and a free throw. One can only surmise that he was offended by Manu's newfound political associations. What did you expect? He's an atheist, and he's always going LEFT.
So then the Spurs were up 5, at which point Jeff Green threw up a heavily contested three that ricocheted off the glass into the waiting arms of the Spurs. They passed to Findog, who held the ball for the last 15 seconds of the game. I remember Findog trying to run out the clock that way one time, but the ball got stolen from him. It was pretty embarrassing.
Anyways, your three stars:
3. Matt Bonner (17 and 8--that's what we're talking about!)
2. Tony Parker
1. Franchise Duncan
Honorable mention to the JV for keeping his suckiness on the bench, and to Manu for putting the final nail in the coffin.