On March 25th 2009, at approximately 11:28 PM EST, The New York Port Authority responds to a disturbance at Pier 18-A. A large black man, referring to himself only as "The GIST" is photographed breaking free from a storage container aboard a freighter of european origins. Despite combined efforts by the NYPD and Homeland Security, the man was unable to be detained and easily managed to escape the harbor area.
Once outside in the city, "The GIST" quickly commandeered a yellow cab, and threw it at pursuing police. Unable to pursue past state lines, the NYPD was forced to relent and hope that the federal agents could bring the man in.
The chase lasted for only five minutes, as The GIST used his blinding speed to make his way south, soon losing the tailing Feds. By 10 AM the next morning, The GIST was sighted in San Antonio Texas, climbing the AT&T Center. Once atop the structure, he let out a bone chilling howl, and finished the baby he had begun to eat only moments before.
Disgusted and ashamed by their inability to arraign The GIST, deputy director of the FBI Roland Garriott was left with only one choice. Though they had not spoken since Popovich had lain with his wife and sired an heir by her, appealing to the coach's mercy seemed to be the only option left.
After hours of searching the city, Popovich was conveniently found INSIDE the AT&T Center, where he had been conducting team practice. Angered by his team's lack of passion and will to win, Pop had launched into a fiery tirade, and was unable to hear the disturbance outside. After an awkward silence during which Popovich smiled menacingly at Garriott while making pelvic thrusts into the air, Garriott managed to explain the situation. Reluctantly, Popovich scaled the building to confront the menace.
Atop the structure, circling news choppers caught a live feed of Popovich and Gist standing toe to toe, their steel eyed gazes not breaking from the other. Though the feed contained no audio, the duo appeared to discuss something briefly, before embracing each other in a masculine, non gay way.
When the two safely reached the ground, they were quickly surrounded by reporters wanting to know what had transpired atop the stadium. The GIST responded by slapping the nearest reporter and quickly retired into the building. Left alone with the throng of media, Popovich raised his hands to quiet the masses before he spoke.
"My son.... has returned..." stated Popovich, before uncorking a bottle of expensive wine and toasting the nearby Garriott, asking him how he liked "them apples".
With the confusion apparently settled, Popovich withdrew into the confines of the AT&T center, where he found Gist already suited up and ready to join the team. Noting that his son was wearing Jaque Vaughn's uniform, Gist simply responded "...hungry...". Popovich laughed while stroking his beard, remarking that the meal had resulted in an available roster spot. The personnel problem solved, the team resumed their practice.
As the season came to a conclusion, any doubts that the media had about The GIST's ability to gel with the team were quickly dismissed as the Spurs won all of their remaining games, squeaking into the playoffs with the seventh seed.
During the first round against the in state rival Dallas Mavericks, the team was caught laughing on the bench as The GIST singlehandedly dismantled their opponents, winning the series in four straight games.
Advancing to the second round, the Spurs met a Phoenix team who had been riding a wave of confidence after sweeping their own first round opponent. Prior to the tip off in game one, Suns center Shaquille O'Neal mocked suggestions that the Spurs' had seemingly overnight become the team to beat. His words were quickly eaten as the Spurs easily won the first game 285-7, with The GIST easily eclipsing Wilt Chamberlain's 100 point record by scoring 283 points (the remaining two points were chipped in by way of Tim Duncan free throws). The series continued in much the same way, only briefly pausing for a brief scuffle in Game 3 in which The GIST decided he wanted to leave the bench to eat Leandro Barbosa. No penalties were assessed and the Spurs swept the Suns out of the playoffs in Phoenix. Riding an emotional high, Gregg Popovich had to be restrained by his team, preventing him from asking Shaq how his ass tasted.
The Spurs, having steamrolled their first two opponents, were granted a layoff as they waited to see whether their next opponent would be the Los Angeles Lakers or the New Orleans Hornets. Their question was answered when the Lakers dispatched the Hornets in a sloppy game 7 four nights later.
Eager to pay back the Lakers, the Spurs quickly made their feelings known as they punished the Lakers in game 1, with the GIST scoring 87 points in the first quarter before being put back into his cage for the remainder of the game by his proud papa. The tone of the series took an interesting turn when the media alleged that the only reason the aging Spurs had come this far was because they were employing the services of "a wookiee". Angered, yet oddly humored, Popovich laughed and announced that he would finish the sweep of the Lakers without the GIST.
Despite assertions that the team could perform as well without The GIST available, Popovich was nearly forced to eat some crow in game 4. Down by 4 with just under 10 seconds, Manu Ginobili hit a three while Lamar Odom assaulted him. Favoring his left shoulder when he got up, Ginobili was unable to tie the game at the line. When Laker guard Kobe Bryant came down with the rebound, many figured the game to be over, as Bryant had not missed a free throw all postseason. Stepping to line on the other end however, Bryant appeared to be shaken. The entire Spurs team had manufactured large diamond rings from the bench area, and were checking their authenticity around the painted area. The Los Angeles crowd had quieted for Bryant, but that may have backfired as he was then able to hear the cries of disdain from Spurs players as they discovered their $4 million dollar rings were indeed, fake. "What the fuck!?" cried a startled Bruce Bowen, who made just enough of a distraction to startle Bryant, causing him to miss the first free throw. "This some busta shit!" Shouted an excited Matt Bonner, who had managed to sneak onto the floor, his red hair not catching the usually keen eye of Popovich. The strategy worked however, as Bryant missed the second. Out of timeouts, the Spurs saved Popovich's guarantee as Tim Duncan hit a full court heave at the buzzer, and immediately went courtside to claim Bryant's wife, Vanessa, as his own.
Their perfect record intact, the Spurs waited once more to discover the identity of their finals opponent. The Celtics and Bobcats were locked in yet another battle, as the home team had not yet lost. With the series returning to Charlotte for game 7, the Celtics managed to stun the home crowd as Kevin Garnett exploded for 3 points, enough to ensure another finals appearance for the defending champions.
As the media began to hype the finals matchup immediately after the final buzzer sounded, pundits across the nation began to mention the impending matchup between Duncan and Garnett. Finally, it seemed, the questions would be answered.
The answer however, would have to wait until another season. During a game 1 altercation between Spurs rookie George Hill and Ray Allen, The GIST, back from his imposed suspension, used Garnett to club Brian Scalabrine to death, just like Jason in "Friday the 13th". Garnett suffered a major concussion as a result and was unable to finish the series. The absence of Garnett and their favorite cheerleader, Scalabrine, deflated the Celics, who went meekly into the night as the Spurs once again swept the series, becoming the first team to finish the postseason undefeated.
Relishing the moment with yet another expensive bottle of wine, Popovich recalled his team's struggles during the regular season, and applauded them for their resiliency. When asked where The GIST had gone, Popovich told reporters that he had frozen him in carbonite, and was saving him for next season. Just then, an elated Manu Ginobili, wearing a pair of women's panties on his head with "Eva Longoria's panties" scrawled on them in sharpie marker, grabbed the microphone. Before he could say anything, the cameras quickly switched back to an unintelligible Stephen A. Smith, who said something about the game that no one really understood.
Somewhere, a jaded Matthew Powell smiled....